Stepping out of the box

Ah, life is so comfortable in the box.  I have my pictures on the wall. I have my food ready to eat.  I've got people around me who I love and who love me back. I have my toys and my pet.  It is all right here- neatly inside my box.
Truth is, I really don't want to leave my box.  If I dare to step outside the box, the wind might blow and my pictures might get tilted. I might accidentally bring in some unwanted leaves from outside.  Food might get a little scarcer and I- well I have just enough.

The box.  We all love the box.  Our own private little world where we hang everything just so and dare anyone to knock it off kilter.
I loved my little box too.

It was
comfortable,
cute,
manageable.

Who in the world would want to go shaking the contents of that box or turning it over on it's side.

Not me.

But then one day, I dared to step outside the box.  I dared to open the door, peer out, and look to see

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things that were hidden when I stayed in my comfortable box.  I opened the window and let a little breeze in.  I left the door open for a few minutes longer and stared.  I eased my way out on to the porch and I looked around and I thought to myself, "maybe there is more I could do with my box."
Now I'm not saying we dispense of the box altogether.  Not at all.  I am however, suggesting that we take the time to look around a little.  We leave, just for a moment, the well placed world we live in, and breath in a few breaths from outside the box.  Go ahead.  Suck in the air a little.  Hmmm...it is not so polluted after all!  Didn't even get choked up!

I talk to people everyday who love their "box" so much, they are afraid to walk outside it.  The view they have is limited to their clean, white walls and they are terrified to allow the color of the outside in. I shutter to think what would have happened if we had not flung the door wide open and taken a gander at the children standing right outside our door.  They were not the neighborhood kids who could quickly scamper back to their own nests.

No.
They were...

Children who were yearning to be invited inside.
Children who prayed that someone would open the door.
Children who would have almost begged to have a place at the table.
Children who needed to be included in the "box".

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The truth is, our boxes have secrets.  Our boxes can expand and we didn't even realize it!  Not only is there more love, room, food, clothing, and "stuff" than we ever thought possible, but,  there is one quality about love that leaves you shaking your head in disbelief:  Love always multiplies, never subtracts.  Don't you remember having your second child and wondering if you could possibly love the new baby like you did your first?  And then, suddenly that second child comes and the love was there...in abundance.  The miracle in this?   Nothing was taken away from child number one. Nothing.  The truth is, it might have even grown. 

Love multiplies.

Boxes...or houses make new rooms

Families set another place at the table.

Children have a home.





Seems so simple. It really doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

Open your door.
Walk out on the porch of your box.
Take a look. A long, deep look and breath in the air.

Children are waiting for their invitation.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Simplify: Not just a cute sign to hang on the wall

I'm not a great multi-tasker.  I realize that women are typically supposed to be gifted at doing multiple things at one time, but I somehow missed out on that gift.  If I am talking on the phone  and a child asks me a question, I lose both conversations!  I have no idea what the child said  or what the person on the phone was saying.  I'm lost.  I've learned I have to keep things simple in order to manage my life and I have to say, some of you might need to follow suit. Simplify is a popular phrase right now, but not so popular in how it actually is done.

I understand wanting your child to have every opportunity life offers.  I get wanting them to become well rounded people with a variety of abilities and skills.  I certainly want that for my kids too.  But, somehow I think we are losing some skills in our effort to skill them in so many areas. We are taking away some essential life skills by trying to fill up each moment of everyday.

There are several things I think we can teach our kids by paring down our lives and deciding to keep things simple.  Let me list for you a few advantages:

1) Your child will learn that life doesn't revolve around them.  If you are spending every night running Sarah to every practice and social activity known to man, then Sarah is for sure believing that it is all about her.  Of course we want our kids to know they are important, but teaching them their value, and having them feel entitled are two different things.  A child can understand they are a valuable person by taking time to listen to them and by allowing them to contribute to the "running" of the house...and by that I mean....chores.  They are fully capable of helping with the cooking, cleaning, helping with groceries, mowing the lawn, washing clothes, and many other things that go into keeping the household running.  When you busy your life with everything "child" then everything else gets put on a back burner.
All chores have to be delayed.
McDonald's employees start calling you by name.
Husbands and wives forget that they are...well....husbands and wives as well as mamas and daddy's.

Teaching your child that there are multiple people in the household, all needing to have their needs met as well will in the long run be healthier.

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2) Success over a few things is better than mediocrity over many.  Anytime I get too many things on my plate, then something or someone is going to suffer.  Although I am working on this flaw, I admit I am a people pleaser.  When I start trying to keep too many people happy, then I usually do nothing with excellence.  I can't help but believe we are all like this to some degree.  If we think we can master the art of 50 plates in the air at one time, most of us will be hit in the head when they come crashing down. There is nothing wrong with having a couple of evenings where everyone is home, and dare I say it, maybe even a little bit bored.  Those are the times when conversation can happen.  That is when the blanket forts are built.  That is when a family movie comes on and popcorn is made. I am one who needs to be a little bit bored in order to think creatively.  If every moment of every day is filled with an agenda, my mind doesn't have time to wander and my creative side is not engaged.

3) Learn to say "I'll get back to you on that".  As I mentioned earlier, being a people pleaser causes me to say "yes" too often and too quickly.  I have just recently vowed to myself to always give people an answer later rather than sooner.  Knowing my tendencies to take on more than I can handle, it is much better for me to take the request back home and think on it, see if I can fulfill it with whatever else I have on my plate, and then give the person my answer.  It might possibly still be yes, but I at least have had the opportunity to think through if it will fit into our routine and schedule.

4) Slow and lazy do not mean the same thing. Productivity is very valuable to me.  I really do not like "lazy".  But, deciding to slow things down and being lazy are not synonymous.  Purposefully keeping things simple, creating time for thought, conversations, and relaxation is healthy, not lazy.

I love to look at houses as I drive down the road.  I see all of these beautiful homes with lovely porches and decks, beautifully manicured yards, and maybe even a relaxing pool in the back yard.  What I don't see are people enjoying them.  Rarely do I see someone with their feet propped up enjoying their comfy porch furniture. I don't hear the splash of the water from the pools too often, and the decks look like they are rarely used.  I want to change that for myself and for my family.

I remember as a child, sitting each evening on the steps of our front porch as the sun went down.

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There was conversation.
There was quiet.
There were crickets chirping and frogs croaking.
And occasionally there was the collecting of firefly's.
There was connection.

A neighbor might come by and sit with us.  My grandfather, who lived behind us would wander to the porch to sit and smoke his cigar.  It was simple and there was time...time to reflect on the day and reconnect as a family. Oh, and I remember the distinct slamming of the screened door as we went in and out.  Just a screen separating the inside and out.  No locks and bolts to have to unravel to move from one to another.  No peep holes to look through to see who was coming.  It was the definition of "simplify".
Perhaps you are trying to figure out how to lesson the stress of life.  Maybe you have brought children into your home who have come from hard places and the hectic schedule you have set up is not working.  Dear friend, slow down.  Breathe.  Inhale the true value of simplifying and exhale the clutter that wants to suck us back in. Simplify is more than a cute sign to display in your living room.  It is a decision.

Resist.
Breathe deeply.
Enjoy.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Dear Child in Foster Care

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Dear Child in Foster Care:

Your path has been so difficult.  You have been through so much more than you have even let on; more than your case workers know; more than your foster parents know; and more than you are even willing to admit to yourself.  Our hearts go out to you in your pain and distress.

We see your downcast face.

We hear your shaky voice.

We understand the slammed door.

All of it, we get.  But, we want you to know that we are here to help you overcome.  We want you to come to a point one day of seeing yourself as we do...someone who is amazing, unbelievably resilient,  and able to soar above all that has happened up to this point.  We want you to have normal, healthy relationships and we work diligently on that now, so one day, when you are a spouse or parent, you know how that works.  We want you to be able to process real feelings so that you can experience life- the good, the bad, the ugly, the incredible.  We don't want you to stay in the valley of bland when there is a smorgasbord of life just waiting for you. Who wants a steady diet of Krystal gut bombers when there is Fillet Mignon on the menu!  There is so much more, sweet child.

So, if you would like this as well, please hear these suggestions. They are written with love from someone who has seen the pain of  your trauma. Please take a moment and see what is before you; what help and resources are at your fingertips and what characteristics you might need to develop.

1) Be teachable.  

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Up until now, you have not had too many invest in how to navigate this life. The adults in your life have let you down and you might resist trusting even now.  We as your foster or adoptive parents want to help change that.  We want to show you how to have real relationships.  We want to show you how to talk about ideas and dreams rather than people and drama.  We want to guide you to a place where you are able to see those dreams for yourself. We want you to learn to trust.  But, all of us, whether in foster care or not, have to assess our own selves.  We have to take a long look in the mirror of our souls and decide who we want to be.  I'm telling you now, if you are moldable and teachable, life will be open to you in a much easier way.  Lessons will be able to be learned without hardship and disaster.  But, if you ignore wise counsel, you might be destined to repeat what has been your teacher thus far.

2) Take responsibility
As a follow up to number one, take responsibility comes in right behind.  Sure you have had a series of horrible life events, none of which have been your fault.  It is unfair.  But, what happens to you from this point on is really up to you.  You, maybe for the first time in your life, have a chance to change the outcome.  You have people and resources to help you along the way and you don't have to battle for food, shelter and education.  You can focus on the healing that needs to take place and begin to change your story.  The path towards that is to take responsibility. Sometimes, true bravery is taking a look at yourself and rather than defending what is, you work towards what could be.  You are navigating a ship that can go in the direction of love, prosperity, and security.  Or, you can steer that thing right into a hurricane.  It truly is yours to choose.

3) Take advantage of resources
While you might not see the advantage of foster care at first, there are some.  You now have medical insurance provided for you up until you are 20. You have access to therapy to help you overcome your trauma.  Depending on when you came into the system and the age you were at the time of adoption, your entire college education could be free for you.  Sweet child, others only dream of that.  It is a real possibility for you but, again...your ship, your course.  I heard recently of a college student who had $80,000 worth of college debt and the major she chose will provide a job with an income that will literally take YEARS to pay that off.  That won't be your story if you choose to apply yourself in school. Education can change your path completely and it will be offered to you in foster care.  Not a bad perk after all you have been through.

4) You have a story that can help others.
I understand that you might not at this moment feel that you can change someone's life, but in your future, you might do just that.  You have a story that is unique to you.

It is one of terrible fear.

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It is one of survival.

It is one of trauma.

But, it can become...

One of hope.

One of peace.

One of thriving

One of power and self-confidence

One of normalcy

Precious one, we are here  for you.  When we talk to you about life and how to navigate it, we want to help you. We want good things for you and any correction is done out of love for you.

You are forever in our hearts.


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

What does it mean to "tuck her in"?

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A few years ago a child was taken away from her mother and was in our care at Childhelp.  The mother (I'll call her Sarah) wanted to do everything she could to ensure she would be able to get her child back.  She quickly bonded with the foster mom and thus began the best of all scenarios:  A foster mom teaching the birth mom how to parent; how to show love to her child.

Seems so simple doesn't it?  I mean, those of us who grew up feeling loved and secure so naturally love our kids in that way.  But, knowing how to show love is not a given and sometimes we actually have to teach parents how to show their children love.  What a blessing to walk along side someone who has made horrible choices but owns up to it and is willing to learn.  I can't think of any quality I admire any more in someone than a teachable spirit.

When it came time for the child to have an unsupervised visit in the birth mom's home, Sarah was nervous.  She called the foster mom and asked her how to do it.  She wanted a list of what her child did everyday and what the foster mom did.  She essentially was asking "how do I mother my child?" The foster mom eagerly made her the list.  She included things like "I give her a snack at 10:00 and she really loves bananas and peanut butter".  Or, "we play outside for 30 minutes at 3:30."

The foster mom was surprised to get a call from Sarah about 8:30 that night.

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Sarah sounded nervous and was anxious about the next item on the list.  "What does it mean to "tuck her in", she asked.  Without judgment, the foster mom explained what it meant to tuck a child in at night.  She calmly taught Sarah how to express love and security through this foreign action called "tucking in".

So much of our own raising is taken for granted.  We often assume everyone knows how to love and that people just naturally know what to do.  Sadly, this is not always the  case.  Many times, parents who were abused or neglected themselves are destined to repeat the abuse apart from an intervention.  Foster care, many times, can be that intervention.  It might possibly be the wake up call a parent needs to change their habits and to finally learn how to love their child.

When I first thought of fostering years ago, this part of the equation intimidated me- this idea of working with birth parents who have done something so bad their children had to be removed.  While sometimes it is necessary for a child to have zero contact with the parents, when contact is allowed, I find myself rooting for that parent to step up.  I see that redemption on all accounts would be the very best scenario.  For this child to not have to question for the rest of her life why her mom or dad didn't do everything in their power to get them back, I think we can all agree, would be best.

So friends, know someone who might need a little assistance in learning to show love?  Are you a foster parent who needs to reach out in compassion to the birth parents of the children in your care?  Are you a birth mom who suffered yourself at the hands of parents who did not know how to show love and now you are repeating what you learned?

We don't escape this life without at some point, crying out for help.  Cry out, dear friends.  There are people who care.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Giving up the crown

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I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel inadequate.

I'm so irritable.

I goofed up.

I just want to stay in bed.

These are thoughts that probably travel through the mind of any foster mom on any given day and really, parents in general.  If you feel you totally have it together as a mom, then please, I need some lessons.  Parenting is hard when you start from scratch and when you begin your parenting journey with kids at ten and twelve, it sort of feels like you are trying to put together a puzzle.  Except that years ago, two 1,000 piece puzzles fell to the floor at one time and the pieces are all jumbled together.  Yep.  That is how it feels. It can all be sorted out, but it is going to take an awful lot of patience and body cramping poses to get it all done.

So, dear mamas...  Could we all just lay aside any crowns? Fathers who are expecting perfection...could you give yourself a break?   Let's put down any pretense that we have this parenting thing down and let's just be real.  Now, I'm not saying "let's accept our shortcomings and not ever try to improve".  No...I so want to improve!  I'm just tired of pretending I have it all together and would prefer, for a moment, to relax.  I would like to, just for a moment, forgive myself for not being perfect and...well, lay down the crown of perfection.

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The fact is, to be a good parent, we do NOT have to be perfect.  I'm going to let you in on a secret. 
Studies have shown that if we as parents do the right thing 30% of the time, then we will be considered a successful parent.  That doesn't seem too difficult, right?  I think my odds might even be a little better than that!!

In this little video, it highlights our parental role of caring for our kids.
https://vimeo.com/228134047?from=outro-embed

It ends with this tidbit: "good enough, is, well, good enough!"  We are going to fail from time to time to meet our children's needs and those of us parenting children from hard places know this all too well.  The needs are so great that there is NO WAY to meet them all.  But we continue to get up everyday and do our best.

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We love.
We fail.
We encourage.
We get frustrated.
We hug.
We turn away.

All of it.  But, precious laborers, if we can continue to push ourselves to meet a little bit more of their needs; to respond with kindness MOST of the time today; to say yes to play when our heart was set on watching a show. You get it...we will be fine and so will they.

At Childhelp we have started a new slogan: "Love is all you need."  Now, in reality, we need a little more than just love.  But, it is the beginning of everything we do...love.  If we know how to offer love then we are way up on the scale of good parenting.  Love is most definitely where it all begins.  It is the foundation of everything else.  So, dear friends, relax.  Sweet mama, lay down that crown of perfection.  You are way more than enough...  and good enough is, well....good enough!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Grace really is amazing

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Grace.  Just the word brings up a comforting feeling of being loved unconditionally.  I find it easy to extend grace but it is a little harder to have to be on the receiving end.
As in....
Messing up.
Being cranky.
Feeling out of sorts.
Being misunderstood.
Forgetting something.
Being irritable with the kids.

All of us, as together as we might appear, stand in need of grace.

This has been a tough season of our life and it seems like it stretches on.  Maybe it is being 54 and having gone through cancer.  Maybe it is because the chemo left some lasting side effects.  Maybe it is because we have nine kids and the seasons may never really be "easy". But, for whatever reason, I find myself in need of grace.

I recently was asked to get a few moms together to talk about parenting.  I listened to those sweet young mamas tell about their experiences with their kids.  They were asking for grace.  They wanted to know that things would be OK and that so far, their parenting had not ruined anyone.  Oh little mamas, I'm with ya.  I'm sort of like those in the medical field who take a vow "to do no harm".  I don't want to harm.

But, because of hormones, life's stresses, and people in general, I might accidentally harm someone.  I can assure you, it would not be my intent.  Friends, oh how I DON"T want to cause anyone harm! But, I might anyway. Oh I would never cause physical harm to my child but..
a harsh word?
I'm not above it.
A critical spirit?
Guilty.

I wonder, though, when we  accidentally sound a little "edgy"....could we simply overlook it? Just pretend we didn't notice.  Could we simply not take offence when we don't get invited to the baby shower?   How about we love anyway when someone purposely or accidentally insults us.  Is it so hard to just let the driver over into your lane?  Or let the family with one item hop in front of you at the grocery store?  Or hug the crying 5 year old instead of scolding them? Could we pinkie promise to just ...extend grace.

Practicing extending grace to others gives me hope that the grace will be there for me when I'm the one standing in need of it.  Oh it will be a hard fall for those who think they are above needing it.  The self made pedestals have a way of tumbling down in unexpected ways. Nice when there is someone to throw down a pillow to lesson the blow.  Real nice.

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Oh believe me friends, when you bring children from hard places into your home, there is a need to extend grace.  Thank God, they have been willing to offer it freely to me!!  Ahhh....and on occasion, I might have the opportunity to generously give a cup of grace to them
.





Loving someone really means that grace will be in the mix of things.  We are all imperfect and if we recognize that from the start then we are more likely to offer that helping hand as someone is sliding down the hill of despair.  We will be more likely to not notice an offence rather than shine a flashlight on it. We will be able to offer grace.  Grace. Even when the struggle is self-infIicted. I'm not sure there is a more beautiful expression of love.  It is easy to love someone when they are....well, lovable.  Oh but to love someone even in the midst of ugly?  Now, that is true love.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Why not me?

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A few weeks ago at church we had an opportunity to give a word of testimony about what God is doing in our lives.  It was such a sweet time to hear different people speak about how God is working in them and through them.  I found myself sharing the tremendous blessing of bringing children into our home and the fact that I shutter to think my husband and I could have missed out on that blessing.  What blessings are sitting there waiting on us and we just can't or won't open the door to receive them?

Earlier in my life I felt a call to the mission field.  I responded to that calling after hearing a Missionary from Zimbabwe speak to my church.  I was sixteen at the time.  I don't recall all that she said that day.  I'm supposing there were stories about her life on the field and her work in that African country.  I do, however, remember how she ended her message.  She talked about the need for missionaries to introduce Christ to many who haven't heard, and then she looked straight at the congregation and asked, "why not YOU?"  It was at that moment, I knew God was calling me. Why NOT me, I said to myself. My husband and I had the privilege of responding to that call to the mission field  later in our life and that question still rings in my ears today.  Why not YOU?

I think the same question could be asked of this calling to foster or adopt.  We feel a little tug, we hear about the need, and then we have to ask ourselves, "why not me?" 

Fostering and adoption have become somewhat in the forefront of people's minds these days.  Most of our churches have had someone to adopt or to respond to the call to foster.  Probably many have thought about it.  At least I hope they have.  But the doors to this messy ministry are not swinging with people flying through them.  In this blog, I want to address some of the possible barriers that might be blocking you from responding with a resounding "YES"!

1)  I am financially strapped already.  I can't afford another mouth to feed.  

With fostering, whether you foster through a state agency like DCS or a private agency like Childhelp, you are given a stipend to help provide for the child or children in your home.  When we were blessed with our youngest four, many things changed.  Our electric bill went up.  We had to change vehicles to accommodate so many kids.  There was a never ending line of fees for school and church trips, clothes, shoes, etc... But, with the stipend we received, we were able to take care of all of those needs and more.

2) I don't think I can handle the behavior of a child from such abuse.

Granted, there are perplexing attitudes and behaviors that are displayed when a child has been taken out of an abusive home.  That is why we require a lot of training.  The way to overcome this barrier is education.  How do I respond to a child who refuses to eat....or one who is eating me out of house and home?  You will encounter some behaviors, no doubt.  But what most people don't realize is that the majority of kids in the system, given a safe, loving environment, have fairly "normal" behavior.  Do they have an attitude every now and then? Uh...yes.  Do they say "mom" a gazillion times?  Oh yes.  Are they struggling at times with school, feelings, life?  Absolutely.  We have the privilege of helping a child navigate all of that...to be a life changing influence on that child and their future.  Nothing you do in this life could matter more.

3) I don't think I can handle more than one child.

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Talk to many of us who have fostered and we will tell you, siblings are probably easier than one solo child.  When you bring a sibling group of 2-3 in your home, they come equipped with someone who is their comfort and knows their shared history.  Also, they are coming in with an automatic playmate.  There are things that I'm good at as a mother...I'm funny and I know how to have a great
time dancing through the kitchen.  But, I despise playing Chutes and Ladders.  I don't want to "ride a little horsey" and the expressions I make while "talking" for Barbie might get a little snarky.  It is an area that I might need to grow in, for sure, but a child coming in with a checker's partner already?  Yep...that's a help.

4) I would have a hard time letting a child go back to their birth parents. 

This is one of the most common arguments for not fostering.  I'm going to address this by saying...it is not easy to do.  But, let's consider a couple of things.  First off, the child might not go back at all and be adopted by you or someone else.  Secondly, we are the adults here.  It is our job to teach a child how to attach and to love them and keep them safe.  PERIOD.  If we have a hard time "handling" parts of this process, imagine the difficulty of the child!  We have to handle it ....for their sake!  Don't let how this ministry might make YOU feel determine whether or not you invest in the life of a child.  It really is not about me...or you.   This ministry is 100% about the child.  Let me add another thought to this as well.  What if you were instrumental in helping that child's parents get their life back on track?  What if you established a life-long relationship with this family and walked along side them to teach them how to love and parent their child? Wow...that is redemption displayed in the most beautiful way possible.

5) What would it do to my biological child(ren)?

You might have heard me address this before. My husband and I certainly worried about this before bringing children into our home.  At Childhelp, we would never want you to feel your child is unsafe or be unduly influenced by negative behavior.  But, having 3 biological children, and bringing 6 older kids into our home, I think the overall response from my first batch is very positive.  They learned that this life is not all about them.  They learned to share their mama and daddy and their  "stuff".  They learned forgiveness and compassion. What possible negative can come from that?  They understand the privileges they have had that other children have dreamed about.  They are adults now and all seem to have a passion for fostering and adoption.  The fact that they would run toward this ministry and not away from it is an indication of how they feel. Were there tough times for them?  Oh yes.  But our kids go through tough times with their biological siblings as well.  Problems might be different but the overall lesson here....we have to learn to get along with people in general.  We have to share and love and forgive and encourage and do all of that over and over again.

You will no doubt encounter problems if you say yes to this ministry.  It will be messy and wonderful.  It will take you to your lowest low but also to your highest high.  It is not for the faint of heart.  My friends, I don`t believe God created us for the sidelines.  I don`t think he has so beautifully formed us and equipped us, just to sit and watch life happen.  He created us for a purpose.  Oh, and guess what...  All the children out there?  He created them for a purpose as well.  I for one want to help them find that.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.