Playing your way to better behavior - Ways to avoid the fight

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I'm confessing to you today that I'm not a big sports fan.  I align myself with a team and root for them mainly because that is what my husband does.  When I watch sports, I am often puzzled by the behavior I see. I see coaches that preach discipline and self-control be very OUT of control.  The very people that are demanding discipline from their players are the ones who seem to need the help themselves.  Forgive me.  I know many are saying to me right now..."they are just passionate!" Yeah...yeah....I get it.  Passionate.

But, before I judge too harshly, I really have to take a long look in the mirror.  Sometimes what I am expecting as a parent is something I am struggling to deliver myself.   I did always find it difficult to teach the lesson of "not hitting your sister" while I was swatting a little brother's bottom.  And, I will be hard pressed to demand that  my teenage kids "get along better" when I am battling irritability myself. Being the example is tough!  We know as parents that we are far from perfect, but setting the example is what we are called to do.  If we keep things in the area of "play" then we might find we are teaching without having to join in a battle.  Here are a few ways to teach your children through lightheartedness and play:

1) Want to try that again with respect?  I am a huge fan of Trust Based Relational Intervention and a fan of  one of the researchers, Dr. Karyn Purvis.  This is a phrase she often uses when a child comes back with a response laced with attitude.  She gives a playful smile and simply gives the child another chance. No anger.  No hair on end...just a chance to try again.  Another way Dr. Purvis responds to a child who refuses to do what they have been asked to do is to say "If you are looking for a compromise, you might want to try asking again with respect." Then, the child can calmly say, "would you please allow me to finish the last 5 minutes of this show before I clean my room?"  You are teaching the child that they can occasionally have it their way but they have to learn to vocalize their wishes in a respectful way.  Sometimes we might not be able to meet their compromise but many, many times, we can give them a voice and meet their needs...all the while getting what we want as well.  

2) Dancing around homework. I don't know about your family, but homework in ours always seemed to bring out the nasty in our personalities.  I loathed it as a parent and I'm pretty sure my kids picked up on that.  Subtlety is not my strong suit.  Had I approached it with a little more "fun" mixed in, we might have avoided the crying fest that took place 30 minutes into it. (Both from the child and from me)  Why not have sour candy ready to be snacked on while doing homework?  The sourness can spur the mind and keep the energy a little higher.  How about a dance party every 10 minutes?  If the child is able to get up and dance like there's no tomorrow  every few minutes, they will be more equipped to sit and focus again.  You will see a little energy used up and some good endorphins flowing in the brain.  The best part is mom or dad dancing with them.  Music energizes us.  I used to think that my kids surely were lying to me about being able to focus more with music playing but I've come to realize that it likely is a calming factor for them.  Parents, this seems like such a simple thing to do.  And, I'm writing this as if it is for the child's benefit.  But, we are in need of a dose of something to squelch our frustrations too.  Doing a rendition of our old friend, M.C. Hammer might be just the thing to get us back on track as well.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplas

3) Major on the majors.  If there is a way to literally beat a dead horse, I'm on it.  I wouldn't be a blogger if I didn't just LOVE words.  I like to use them, craft them, and bless others with my long prose.  Yeah....blessing might be stretching it. I hate throwing away my 3 point sermon on "how to clean the bathroom floor".  I love that message.  But, there is absolutely nothing wrong with picking your battles and leaving some on the cutting room floor. .  Lighthearted interaction that doesn't pull you into the grey cloud of irritability is the path around the fight. Your child comes home from school in a grumpy mood... Simply acknowledge  that the day didn't go as well as your child had hoped.  "Awe honey, I'm sorry you had a rough day.  Why don't you have a little snack and go relax on the porch swing a little." The point is, by offering sympathy for the struggle rather than not allowing the child to have the feelings in the first place allows the child to feel heard.  Ignore the slight eye roll and the less than chipper responses. We all have bad days.  My mood will not be made better simply because someone told me I shouldn't have the sour mood.  But, someone sympathizing with what lead me down this path, offering a little chocolate and a time to regroup?  Yep...I'll be well on my way to a return to sanity. 

As with most things, the behavior has to be decided on before the moment arises.  We as parents have to decide that this is the way we will react when little Tommy does this.  Many a mornings my husband and I have pinky promised on this point.  It's like a football huddle.  Ok, so when Junior does this, here is what we will do... We feel ready and able then to be more playful with our response having planned it out a little beforehand.  Probably not a good idea to solely rely on the "me" in the moment. But, thankfully. when I mess up, I am often offered forgiveness and a "redo" from my family. The old hymn was right..grace truly is amazing. 

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.