My eyes, My eyes! Reasons we look away

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This has always been a phrase we use in our family when we can't "unsee" something.  MY EYES, MY EYES!!  It is said in good humor...usually after we have seen someone run through in a bath towel or walked in on someone accidentally.   There might be a variation involving "yikes" or OHHH, or some other exclamation of surprise when we are forced to get a glance of something shocking....I produce that sort of response just from my bedhead alone!

There is a great problem that I just can't "unsee".  It is shocking and ugly and I want to shout "MY EYES, MY EYES"!! I've already taken a look now, though.  I turned my head and stared. No turning back. My awareness is forever set.  I cannot look away.  I guess if you have read my blogs before or know me personally, you know this "thing" of which I speak.  Kids.  I can't turn away.  Nope.  Just keep looking.  Watching.  Crying.


I've thought of a few possible reasons we  might choose to  look the other way:


1) We look away because we don't want to know.  Ignorance is truly bliss.  If we don't know that there are thousands of children who enter the foster  system who are victims of horrendous crimes against them, then, well, we don't feel the need to help.  If as pastors and community leaders, we don't mention the problem, then maybe it will go away, or maybe there will be no expectation on us to make a difference.  Let's not mention it.  It makes people feel uncomfortable.  People are over burdened as it is, so let's not make it worse.

2) We look away because we feel helpless.  The problem is so insurmountable, we can't possibly make a difference.  It certainly feels that way sometime.  I guarantee those who work in the foster care field most definitely will feel that way on a daily basis.  It is a helpless feeling to see such great need and to know your time, resources, people, energy, and power to help are all limited.  Why is the turn over so great among case workers who work within the system to help children?  This.  They start out with a desire to help children and after a while, the daily grind of NOT being able to meet their needs wears on their very being and they decide they too have to look away.  Or at least pretend they didn't see.

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3) We look away because we are broken ourselves.  Hurting people, hurt people.  Heard that before?  It's true.   All of us have baggage;  things that we need to work through, forgive...heal.  Those  who have been hurt by others might have a hard time helping someone else heal. We have to work on healing and patching our own wounds so that we will be able to bandage up the wounds of others.  Hard to pour anything out from a vessel full of holes.

4) We look away because we are too busy looking at ourselves.  Oh how I would love to "nice" this up a bit.  I hate pointing out the negatives of our culture and would so prefer to relish in what we are doing RIGHT.  But, for the sake of kids, I'm going to put this out there.  We are a selfie generation.  It is hard to point the camera lens at other things when it is always zoomed at ourselves.  Hard to broaden the scope of what we see as our own family's needs to include others.

Looking into the lens of the camera and choosing to turn it towards those in need takes courage.  Really seeing the real picture and choosing to not look away takes strength.  I am surrounded by
people who have chosen to look.
To stare into the face of children and NOT turn their backs.
To glare back at the insurmountable problem and while, still feeling incredibly overwhelmed, trust that there has to be a way to make a difference.
To look and to care.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Re-writing your story

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I am old enough to remember typing on a typewriter.  Back then, we used whiteout and had to erase or cover up our mistakes and then retype. I can still hear the sound it would make as I would pull the paper up enough to correct the typo, and then the clicking sound as I would wind it back around to begin typing again. Technology has made this process so easy.  Not sure any of our younger people can fully appreciate how easy it is to just make corrections!

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Wouldn't it be nice if we could do life "redo's" just as easily?  Wow...make a horrible choice, hit back arrow, and BAM!  It's gone.  That would be amazing!  But, as we all know, it is not that easy.  My pastor says often that "everybody has a story."  And, we do. We all have a story to tell and our lives are all pages in a book featuring each of us as the main character.  Parts of our "books" are boring, some pages suspenseful, throw in some drama, a love story....we all have the makings of a wonderful story! 

While we all have our own story, much of it has yet to be written.  There is still a lot to be determined about how the rest of the story will go. Many of the children we serve have had an opportunity to rewrite their stories.  I absolutely love hearing my children, who have come from hard places, talk about the possibilities for their future.  There was a time when they didn't see much for their futures.  Bringing them out of an abusive, neglectful home has given them hope!  They now get to see a future that is bright, full of happiness, and possibilities!!

Your story is not fully written either.  Many reading this have probably thought about fostering or adoption at one time or another.  You have dreamed of making a difference in the life of a child. Good news: It's not too late! Fulfilling that dream, re-writing how your story goes as well as how a child's story turns out can still happen.  In fact, it has to happen.

So much depends on our response to this.  It is easy to never look back on the "what could have been" scenarios.  You don't respond, you really don't know what you miss.  But, I see it now from both sides.  I see all of the HUGE blessings I would have missed out on if my husband and I had ignored this call.  I see all of the personal growth and tremendous faith I would not have obtained.  I see all of the giving and unselfish living that my biological kids might not have learned.
I see
hope,
dreams, 
integrity, 
educations,
healthy relationships,
careers,
LIVING,
all happening in the lives of the kids we adopted through foster care and I just shake my head.  How could I have not been witness to this?  How could I not give thanks everyday for the Lord allowing us to be a part of something so much greater than ourselves?

Your story is yours. You can decide what goes on each page. So far your book has pages filled with raising biological kids, taking vacations, watching a new Netflix series, and eating out (oh the eating out!!). This story can absolutely continue with the plot that you have set in place.  Or,  enjoy all of that while changing someone's life.  How will you end your book?  What changes need to be made to the script?

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Oh friends, I implore you, write a new chapter!  

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Walk this way

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I remember as a child walking behind someone and imitating every move they made.  If they jumped three times, so did I.  If they took four leaps, I took four leaps as well.  It was so much fun trying to duplicate their every move.

Life is not so far off from this little game of "do as I do".  Whether we realize it or not, people follow us.  They look to your life and mine, and imitate the steps, jumps, and nuances of our movements.  In the position I'm in, I am asking people to follow me.  I literally am saying, "hey friends, walk this way!".

Granted, my leadership is not perfect.  I'm sure because of my humanness, I lead folks into some potholes, maybe walk directly into a brick wall every now and then, or slide down a grassy hill.  My intentions are to lead people in a positive way, even if I'm distracted or take detours!

It is not an easy thing to ask people to follow in the area of foster care.  No one knows the pitfalls, struggles, and muddiness of foster care better than someone, like me, who has been in the trenches of this ministry.  And yet, many of us in this role persist.  We continue to take children into our home and continue to insist that others do the same.  Talk to many of us and it's almost like a sickness we can't cure...this desire to rescue one more child. It eats at you to the point of madness!

For me, it's always been fairly simple.  Children deserve a safe, nurturing environment.  Period.  No further discussion needed.  If I am capable of providing that, then, in my mind, there is no choice in the matter.  The child gets a safe, happy home.  Badda bing, badda boom. Done.

Granted, that is slightly over simplified.  Or is it?  When you boil it down to those last statements, it really is that simple.  We move over, we make room and we adjust our lives in order to rescue a child.  While how that is done might be complicated and involve complex decisions, heartache, and struggles,  the decision TO do it remains fairly simple.

So friends, I'm inviting you to play "follow the leader".  I get it that, as a leader, I'm putting myself in a position to lead you into a wall, one in which might bruise you as you bang your head against it.  I understand that where I'm leading you will most definitely challenge your very being.  I am so painfully aware that to follow me, you will have to walk away from many things that make your life very comfortable, enjoyable, and, well, ...easy.  Follow me anyway.

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Follow me to the joy of watching a child blossom into who they were meant to be.  Step in my steps and get a view of a child beginning to see a future for themselves where before there was only
sadness and hopelessness.  Get front row seats to a child's heartache beginning to heal, and watch trust begin to develop in a little heart that was once so filled with fear.   Oh the privilege!  It is almost too glorious to bear!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Tips for self-care while fostering

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Foster parents are accustomed to pouring out on a daily basis.  Let's face it, our kids come to us not having had many of their needs met and we willingly take on the task of patching up, repairing, restoring, and most of all, parenting. It is probably the hardest, and if done well, the most unselfish job I know.  But, learning to take care of yourself in the midst of pouring into  another human being is vital.  There is not much that is going to be poured out of an empty vessel.  How do we give unselfishly, respond patiently, and still take care of ourselves in the process?  It is not an easy balance to strike but essential nonetheless.

Let's look at few things that are at risk when you are giving  all you got in the parenting department.

Your marriage still needs to be pampered.  While bringing kids into your home is a wonderful thing to do and sacrifices have to be made to give the love and attention needed to children of trauma, the marriage can't be on the chopping block of your time ...all the time.  Nothing can make a couple more on edge than to have every ounce of their energy, attention, and loving interactions used up.  My husband and I make it a priority to actually go on dates and we have done this since we started parenting 30 years ago.  I remember even during the early years with our first batch of kids, the whines and whimpers when we would walk out the door and leave them with a sitter.  Later, however, they confessed that although they were sad when we would leave, they truly felt happy that we wanted to be with each other.  As older teens and adults, they were able to look back on those days and be grateful for the security they felt when they saw that mom and dad were happy with each other and wanted to spend time together. They felt relief.  They might not have been able to verbalize it at those younger ages, but they felt it nevertheless.

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Our foster kids are the same way.  Even if they can't express it, a mother and father who take time to love each other makes them feel more secure.; An "all is right with the world" sort of feeling that will permeate throughout the home.
One thing we did when our youngest four entered our home was to enforce the "everyone off of this floor at 9:00 PM rule".  Our house has three levels and our bedroom is the only one on the main level.  Kids could go to their own bedroom or downstairs but we were going to spend that hour from 9:00-10:00 with each other.  We could watch a show without interruption or just talk.  We knew it was important to unwind from the day and we protected that time.  You might be thinking that seems sort of self-centered.  I would disagree. We found that if we didn't keep the communication and attention flowing with each other, ultimately everyone would suffer.  Taking care of your marriage is actually the most  unselfish thing you can do for your family.

You still need time alone.  I am the type of person that really has a hard time doing things just for myself.  As I mentioned earlier, fostering itself demands that we come with a willingness to pour out ourselves for others.  But, even those that enjoy doing for others will find themselves resentful and bitter if  they are not taking care of themselves.  Take time to have coffee with a friend.  Enjoy a pedicure or massage every now and then.  Or, do as I do and when things have become a little too stressful and my reactions are a little too sharp: put yourself in time out.  I can feel the tension in my spirit when I have had enough.  My "no's" become a little more pronounced and my obviously annoyed  responses are coming out too often.  I simply let my husband know that I am going to have to check out for a little while and I retreat back to my bedroom.  I might lounge in the bath for a while, watch a chick flick or read a book.  I do what I need to do to take care of myself so that I'm not responding out of a dried up well.   I can pour into them much more freely when I have made time to be refilled.

 Other children in the home still need your time too.  Admittedly, when kids come into our home, we don't want there to be any difference in how we treat our new kids vs those who have been with us since birth or just in the house longer.  Everyone needs us and at times you might find yourself stretched about as far as you can go. But in an attempt to make sure Sarah and Jack feel a part of the family, Franklin is feeling neglected.  It is tempting to always give the squeakiest wheel the attention.  Our instinct is to migrate to the child having the most issues.  It might even  feel as if we are always in emergency room mode....just putting out fires and responding to the greatest need.  The fall out from that is that biological kids, or foster or adopted kids who have been in the home longer might get left out.
Children all need time with their parents.  Your foster children will demand that time just because they are so in need.  But, there is nothing wrong with taking time with the kiddo who is NOT demanding your attention.  They need to understand they are valued and your time is still available to them as well.  I remember when our last four children came into our home, a few of our older kids were in college.  For our son, it absolutely overwhelmed him to come home from college  and find the dynamics of his home had undergone so much change..  He needed some time to work through the difference, express himself, and still feel he had access to his parents. We made sure that we gave him some time without the entourage behind us that normally took place.

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Self and family care are so vital to being able to go the long haul with fostering and adoption.  Don't let it be an option or even wait until you are at a desperate point.  PLAN to take care of yourself.  Everyone will be better off when you have taken some time to refill.  We just aren't made to empty out the bank account of our lives but still keep writing checks on it.  Taking time to regroup, relax, and even a little pampering is absolutely essential.  EVERYTHING and EVERYONE will be there when you return and guess what, you will be more present as well.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

So...you want to be a "fun" mom?

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When our youngest four came into our home, I was a teacher at their school.  I have always had a creative side and usually structured my classes at school to involve fun, active, creative activities.  I guess you might say I was known as the "fun" teacher.

One of our kids, Hunter, after being in our home a few months confessed, "I hear everyone at school saying you are the fun teacher, but I'm just not seeing it."  Ouch.  He was right.  I was definitely not being the "fun mom".  But, the stress of bringing four more into our home had me ready to hide under the table, not dance around it.  I was closer to tossing the little  monopoly iron across the room, rather than gently sliding it around the board.

My guess is that some of you reading this can relate.  Especially if you are parenting kids from hard places that are sucking you dry.  My nature, although normally giving, was to suck it all back in and resist.  You can't have my fun, I would think.  You have already taken me for everything I have!!  NOT the most loving, spiritual thought in the world, but how I felt, nevertheless.

One thing I have learned, though, is resisting my playful side really causes more stress than when I embrace it.  The positive feelings I feel about myself and....wait for it....about my kids, far exceed any idea of "reserve" I might be tempted to save back. When I play, the delight I see on my children's faces is proof that trust, loving feelings, admiration, and pure fun, can all come from mama attempting to do the the "floss" dance in the middle of the kitchen.  Fifteen minutes of UNO is so much better spent and produces so many more good feelings than losing myself in my phone, or insisting on quiet while I watch some mindless television program.  Really, it does.

So, let's take it slow.  What are some ways you can add fun to your day?  Here are a few:

1) Practice saying "YES".  Sometimes, when I am in the "you have drained me dry" mood, "no" slips out of my mouth so quickly.  Even if, and I'm just being real here, if "yes" would have been just as easy.  If you need a little help with this, make it a game.  Have a yes day!  Then, on that day, whatever is asked, if it is in your ability to do so, just say YES! Even "No's" can really be yeses when you say it right.  "I would love for Joey to come over!  Tonight we are busy but what about Saturday?!"  You said yes....just at a different time than was suggested.  Or..."of course you can have a cookie!  I'll put it right here by your plate so it is there for you after you eat your dinner."  See what I mean?  You are still able to say yes, even when you are having to delay the request.  And, every now and then could we just have a little cookie before dinner?  I mean, that is so much fun.  Really.

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2) Turn on the music!  Music always lightens the mood and brings out playfulness.  Nothing causes more laughter in our house than me attempting some dance move.  Just the thought of it will bring excitement!  Who cares if you can't accomplish the move?  Who cares if it is awkward?  That awkward moment can release endorphins in the brain that will last for hours.  What about singing a silly song to lighten a heavy moment?  Let's face it, when things are tense, an out of tune version of "Let it Go" will surely put a smile on even the most troubled kid. Playfulness, especially through music,  allows a child to relax and realize their outburst, sour mood, or incessant questions or talking has not turned you away.
It is you being light -hearted and playful and it will yield trust.

3) Let's have some good ol' conversation!  Kids who have come from tough beginnings might struggle with carrying their part of a conversation.  One of the things that produced loads of fun and light- heartedness at our house was conversation starters during dinner.  We had a little jar stocked full of conversation starters like..."if you had one super power, what would it be?  Or, "if you were to be granted a trip to any place in the world, where would it be?"  Simple, fun, good conversation; An exchange of ideas that taught us to laugh at ourselves, listen to others, and honestly avoid the list of things our kids did wrong that day.  Let's enjoy our dinner.  Why muddy the waters right then?  There will be plenty of time for that later.

4) Have fun with your routine!  Sometimes the routine can become mundane. Every parent knows the stress of getting dinner cooked, getting homework done and the chore of making sure everyone has a bath.  Whew!  It is a daily challenge to accomplish it all!  But, routine can be fun when just a few short, unexpected moments are added.  A hip bump in the middle of stirring the spaghetti can be just the playfulness that starts a conversation about the day's events. Does your child struggle with getting  homework done?  Playfully pelt them with a wad of paper or a Nerf gun and things will take a turn.  It will allow energy to flow again and coming back to the task might be a little easier.  I know, you will have to calm them down a bit to get them back on task but will they trust you a little more to guide them through it? Absolutely.

Oh dear mom, I'm with you.  I want to be the "fun" mom too.  Let's vow to give ourselves a redo and at least once a day break out into song like Sandy from Grease.  We still have our moves!  We can still suck our cheeks together and make the best fish face ever.  We still have a game of hide and seek inside of us.  We do...it's there.  Just for today, let it peep out from under the rock of discouragement where it's been hiding. Oh, hello there, fun mom! We've been missing you!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Wanted: Everyday Heroes

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Courage comes in so many different ways.  Recently in the news, watching the divers attempt to rescue the soccer team from the caves in Thailand...wow, THAT was COURAGE!  And the team?  Surviving in a dark cave for two weeks?  The bravest.
All around us we see courage demonstrated in the most dramatic of ways:
Firemen pulling a child from a burning building.
A policeman stepping in front of  a shooter to protect the crowd.
A mom grabbing her baby before oncoming traffic could change everything.

It really is inspiring to see courage displayed so vividly and so selflessly.

Courage can wear a different uniform, however.  It can be in mom jeans and a stained t-shirt as she  answers the same question already asked a thousand times....with patience.  It can be in a three piece suit having solved complex problems all day and then choosing to face the little chocolate stained cheeks inside the front door asking for attention... with a smile

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.   It can also be in the extra large youth jersey, totally unsettled from all of the turmoil in his life, choosing to face his own  challenges and stepping out to confront the demons of his past.  That takes courage.  Big time.

This life presents so many opportunities to witness everyday heroes. I get to watch these miracles take place on a regular basis.  Kids who have been through the worst of beginnings with parents who couldn't or wouldn't take care of even their most basic needs but somehow they  muster up enough courage to trust someone else!!  Or, bravely return to the home they are afraid of to see if the one adult in their life who is supposed to care for them is sincere about their promises.  That takes guts.

Or, I see families bravely step forward  to claim a child, or children as their own.  They take them under their wing, line them up with their own brood and make room for someone who needs them. They go through training, intense scrutiny of their own baggage, background checks and home visits...all to take over the task of raising a child.  Oh friends, I wish you had my view of these heroes.  It is spectacular!!

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Right now we are desperately in need of everyday heroes. Adults who will take on the task of ministering to a child from a hard place.  Sometimes the problem seems overwhelming.  Children come into care each day and those of us who work in this field fret over where they will go.  Who will step up?  But did you know that if only one family from each church in our little area of the world were to foster, then BAM!  The problem is solved.  Children will have a place to call home.  The hurting and belief that they are unwanted can stop.  All can be well with the world...or at least begin to be.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

A letter to those who foster

Dear parents who foster,

You have been called to a special place.  It is a call to take the broken and try to mend.  A call to take the shattered and piece by piece, painstakingly try to put the parts back together again.  NOT an easy calling.
This letter is to say THANK YOU.   Thank you for doing the hard stuff of life for the sake of a child.  Thank you for pushing forward even though you feel inadequate.

I know.  I am one of you.  I'm pretty sure my daily feelings of inadequacy are universal in foster parenting.  NOTHING makes you more keenly aware of your own shortcomings than fostering.  NOTHING makes you more aware of your own needs and wants like pouring out your entire self into someone else. You feel empty and tired and not sure of what might be your next step in combating whatever feeling or behavior your child is now displaying. And if I'm being perfectly honest, combating my own behaviors as well.  Whew.  It's exhausting.

This letter is to let you know you are not alone.  We have all felt that way.  All of us have looked into the mirror and seen the stressed face of inadequacy staring back at us. We have given the proverbial pep talk to ourselves and frankly felt like we were still on the losing team.  We have coached, lectured, disciplined and listened.  We have chauffeured, sat on bleachers, in counseling offices, on a pew, and possibly in the chairs of the Principal's office. We have done all of that and still it feels as if it is not enough.  Not enough to make up for the years of neglect or abuse.  It is never enough. So, we battle.  Battle hard each and every day for the heart and mind of our child.

It is not a fight that is  easily won.  You, my precious friend, took on a battle after much of the war had already raged. You collected the squadron as they were ragged from their fighting and rallied the troops to go at it again. You chose to put yourself on the front lines.  To fight at the most intimate of levels.

Perhaps you are war weary.  Perhaps you have fought and fought and are seeing very few victories. You might be ready to slowly raise the white flag of surrender.  Don't.   But if you need to surrender, surrender these:

Surrender your need to be perfect.  NO ONE operates at 100% everyday.  You will have bad days and so will your kids.  In my experience, after what our kids have already endured, my bad day is
quickly forgiven. So, forgive yourself.  Yesterday is done.  We have been blessed with the sunrise of each new day and the power to make each one better.

Surrender some of your activities.  SLOW DOWN.  Want to add to the drama and stress of foster parenting?  Busy yourself to the point of exhaustion.  Your child will be OK without that extra sport
for the year.  Their career as a gymnast, NFL star, or budding musician might have to wait for the moment.  Keep. it. simple.

Surrender their future.  This is a hard one.  All of us want to think that all of the effort we are making day in and day out will ensure a healthy, productive adult.  There are no guarantees...for ANY of our children.  Our job is to pour into them as many good, healthy, loving things as we can.  But, their future is ultimately up to them.  We can be instruments used by God, but we are not their savior.  Trust their futures to the ONE who is their Savior.

Surrender your need to be right.  Because much of foster parenting is correcting and redirecting behaviors that were ingrained from the beginning, many times we think our way is the only way. I would have saved myself many bad days and feelings of frustration if I would have just let go of something every now and then.  Sure, we know what the correct behavior should be for our child but can we at least understand that is is not going to come overnight? Change takes time.  As one case manager said to me, "It's like trying to turn a battleship around in Fort Loudoun Lake."  Let go.  Every negative, bad behavior does not have to be addressed.  Think big picture.  Choose to walk away every now and then.  Your sanity might depend on it.  Oh, and theirs might too.

Surrender the idea that you can go at this alone.  You have already raised three kids of your own.  You got this, right?  Well, maybe not.  Kids who have come from trauma are different and what worked for junior might be completely opposite of what is needed for your foster child.  Be willing to learn and grow and try new things.  There IS support for you.  Don't be embarrassed to look for it and embrace it!  And if you need a few days of respite, take it!  You will come back refreshed and ready to tackle it again.

Friends, you are doing a noble task.  You are asking of yourself something most people can't or won't muster up.  Thank you.  Whether you realize it or not, you are making a lasting impact on your children.  Their story isn't over!  Each page has not been written yet and their battle isn't finished!  You have provided them with tools and weapons to combat the worst of beginnings and you are equipping them for a lifetime.  Be encouraged, fellow laborer.  You are valued.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

.