A letter to those who foster

Dear parents who foster,

You have been called to a special place.  It is a call to take the broken and try to mend.  A call to take the shattered and piece by piece, painstakingly try to put the parts back together again.  NOT an easy calling.
This letter is to say THANK YOU.   Thank you for doing the hard stuff of life for the sake of a child.  Thank you for pushing forward even though you feel inadequate.

I know.  I am one of you.  I'm pretty sure my daily feelings of inadequacy are universal in foster parenting.  NOTHING makes you more keenly aware of your own shortcomings than fostering.  NOTHING makes you more aware of your own needs and wants like pouring out your entire self into someone else. You feel empty and tired and not sure of what might be your next step in combating whatever feeling or behavior your child is now displaying. And if I'm being perfectly honest, combating my own behaviors as well.  Whew.  It's exhausting.

This letter is to let you know you are not alone.  We have all felt that way.  All of us have looked into the mirror and seen the stressed face of inadequacy staring back at us. We have given the proverbial pep talk to ourselves and frankly felt like we were still on the losing team.  We have coached, lectured, disciplined and listened.  We have chauffeured, sat on bleachers, in counseling offices, on a pew, and possibly in the chairs of the Principal's office. We have done all of that and still it feels as if it is not enough.  Not enough to make up for the years of neglect or abuse.  It is never enough. So, we battle.  Battle hard each and every day for the heart and mind of our child.

It is not a fight that is  easily won.  You, my precious friend, took on a battle after much of the war had already raged. You collected the squadron as they were ragged from their fighting and rallied the troops to go at it again. You chose to put yourself on the front lines.  To fight at the most intimate of levels.

Perhaps you are war weary.  Perhaps you have fought and fought and are seeing very few victories. You might be ready to slowly raise the white flag of surrender.  Don't.   But if you need to surrender, surrender these:

Surrender your need to be perfect.  NO ONE operates at 100% everyday.  You will have bad days and so will your kids.  In my experience, after what our kids have already endured, my bad day is
quickly forgiven. So, forgive yourself.  Yesterday is done.  We have been blessed with the sunrise of each new day and the power to make each one better.

Surrender some of your activities.  SLOW DOWN.  Want to add to the drama and stress of foster parenting?  Busy yourself to the point of exhaustion.  Your child will be OK without that extra sport
for the year.  Their career as a gymnast, NFL star, or budding musician might have to wait for the moment.  Keep. it. simple.

Surrender their future.  This is a hard one.  All of us want to think that all of the effort we are making day in and day out will ensure a healthy, productive adult.  There are no guarantees...for ANY of our children.  Our job is to pour into them as many good, healthy, loving things as we can.  But, their future is ultimately up to them.  We can be instruments used by God, but we are not their savior.  Trust their futures to the ONE who is their Savior.

Surrender your need to be right.  Because much of foster parenting is correcting and redirecting behaviors that were ingrained from the beginning, many times we think our way is the only way. I would have saved myself many bad days and feelings of frustration if I would have just let go of something every now and then.  Sure, we know what the correct behavior should be for our child but can we at least understand that is is not going to come overnight? Change takes time.  As one case manager said to me, "It's like trying to turn a battleship around in Fort Loudoun Lake."  Let go.  Every negative, bad behavior does not have to be addressed.  Think big picture.  Choose to walk away every now and then.  Your sanity might depend on it.  Oh, and theirs might too.

Surrender the idea that you can go at this alone.  You have already raised three kids of your own.  You got this, right?  Well, maybe not.  Kids who have come from trauma are different and what worked for junior might be completely opposite of what is needed for your foster child.  Be willing to learn and grow and try new things.  There IS support for you.  Don't be embarrassed to look for it and embrace it!  And if you need a few days of respite, take it!  You will come back refreshed and ready to tackle it again.

Friends, you are doing a noble task.  You are asking of yourself something most people can't or won't muster up.  Thank you.  Whether you realize it or not, you are making a lasting impact on your children.  Their story isn't over!  Each page has not been written yet and their battle isn't finished!  You have provided them with tools and weapons to combat the worst of beginnings and you are equipping them for a lifetime.  Be encouraged, fellow laborer.  You are valued.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

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