Help for the Wounded Soul: Calming Chaos: How the Atkinson Family does it

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson

Chaos. It is all around us. Every time we turn on the television or open our computer, we see it. Even sitcoms make us laugh at the craziness and drama of others. But, what if we decide we don't want the chaos anymore? What if we commit to choosing a simpler, calmer life? Perhaps you have been thinking of adopting a lifestyle in your family that lends itself to tranquility...or at least an attempt at it!

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson have done just that. From the beginning they decided to make relationships the priority in their home. And, a year ago when they brought 3 more children into their home to foster, adding to their family of four, they studied the situation even more. Cindy and Ryan knew that meeting everyone's needs would quickly drain them if they didn't set some ground rules for the family. I sat down with Cindy to find out how they do it. What she revealed can help any family struggling to calm the chaos! Here are her tips:

1)Have a family member of the week.
If you are a parent of more than one child and they can talk, you know how many times a day/week you are asked questions and how much competition there is about literally everything: the front seat, picking the movie, the top bunk... you get the idea. Ryan and Cindy solved this by having a family member of the week. That child gets to choose many of the "special" items when it is their week, thus eliminating much of the arguing and many of the questions. To make it even more special, they are singled out to go with the parent of their choice to the library to choose the books for the week. The child of the week gets to pick the books that everyone will enjoy, plus choose the one that is read each night to the family, all while spending a lovely time with mom or dad by themselves! This special child also gets to choose the movie for family movie night, sit in the front seat, or any of the other coveted decisions that can easily cause an argument. Problem solved.

2) Limit technology and sports

After dinner playtime is a must at the Atkinson home!

Ryan and Cindy have discovered that the "pay off" of technology lends to very little dividends. Parents think the convenience of the iPhone babysitter or the marathon watching of the Disney channel is relieving them, but in reality, behavior becomes worse. Cindy says that play outside, crafts, and creativity lead to much happier, satisfied children. Of course, this puts a few more demands on their time as parents, but Cindy says it is absolutely worth it. "Being a parent is a ministry" she says. Cindy and Ryan view connecting with their children as the most important part of parenting. When asked "can I have a phone?" by their foster daughter, it was easy to explain to her how addictive phones can become and how much more time they will have to spend together if those are limited. This sweet child, after years of not having her needs met, was content with the idea that someone was choosing to spend time with her. She finally has attentive parents who see time spent with her as a treasure.
Sports are wonderful for kids, but when you have five, it can easily consume your life. In this family, a child can choose one sport a year. Swimming is always available in the summer months when school isn't in the equation. With some limits on extra-curricular activities, they are able to make the evening meal a priority. At least six nights a week the family gathers for dinner. Oh the discussions and conversations that happen around that table! Balance is something that is difficult to maintain, but somehow, this family has found it.

3) Marriage is a priority
When you have five children, all wanting the attention of mom and dad, time together as a couple can easily slip by the wayside. Cindy says that even in the midst of many needs, time with each other is top priority. The couple make dating a priority and Cindy says they are grateful to have family members who understand the importance of what they are doing and are more than willing to offer to care for the children while Cindy and Ryan have a night out. This couple seems to understand that without the foundation of a healthy marriage, everything else can quickly fall apart. Cindy added that Ryan is quick to protect her when he knows she is being pulled in all different directions. The couple has set rules to protect their time together. All the children are in bed by a certain time. When younger children wanted to pop out of bed extra early in the morning, a bedside clock was the solution and a time set for getting out of bed. This way, even when a child awakened, they would lay that extra time in bed...often falling back to sleep. Protecting that time together is smart and allows the children to see that you value the time you spend together as a couple.

4) Be honest
This one might seem to be a no brain-er, but kids need to know that mom and dad are real people they can trust. When one child overheard the discussion with the Biblical counselor about what "thing" they were working on with each child, he asked Cindy, "Mom, do you have a 'thing'?" Cindy was able to be honest about her short comings and helped her foster son see that all of us have a "thing". None of us are perfect and being able to be honest about areas that need work or ways that we fail is something that good parents recognize as good discipleship. Children need to understand that their mess-ups are forgivable and that we are all a work in progress. When children from hard places understand that they are allowed to make mistakes, many times their very soul is calmed. The fear and uncertainty and the chaos of their own mind is calmed and they learn to relax.

Big brother, Caleb, comforting his foster brother after a tough time.

One of the greatest blessings this family has been able to enjoy is the bond that their foster children have established with their birth sons. One of their sons, Caleb, is a special need's child and frankly was the excuse this family made for not fostering sooner. Watching this special child love with such unconditional love has been healing for their foster children. No matter how the new three have behaved, "Caleb is always waiting with a hug", Cindy explained. The foster daughters have quickly become extra hands and "mother" to Caleb which has been an added blessing to Ryan and Cindy. Cindy is quick to give God credit for this match made in heaven. This family expressed that what they thought might be an extra burden, was transformed to a blessing for their special need's son. Both Caleb and Silas have embraced their new siblings and all are learning what it means to give a little more, make a little more room, and be a family to those who need one.
Childhelp is so grateful for the amazing work this family is doing to help children heal! Thank you Atkinson family!!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.