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| Photo by Tom Crew on Unsplash |
Foster parents are accustomed to pouring out on a daily basis. Let's face it, our kids come to us not having had many of their needs met and we willingly take on the task of patching up, repairing, restoring, and most of all, parenting. It is probably the hardest, and if done well, the most unselfish job I know. But, learning to take care of yourself in the midst of pouring into another human being is vital. There is not much that is going to be poured out of an empty vessel. How do we give unselfishly, respond patiently, and still take care of ourselves in the process? It is not an easy balance to strike but essential nonetheless.
Let's look at few things that are at risk when you are giving all you got in the parenting department.
Your marriage still needs to be pampered. While bringing kids into your home is a wonderful thing to do and sacrifices have to be made to give the love and attention needed to children of trauma, the marriage can't be on the chopping block of your time ...all the time. Nothing can make a couple more on edge than to have every ounce of their energy, attention, and loving interactions used up. My husband and I make it a priority to actually go on dates and we have done this since we started parenting 30 years ago. I remember even during the early years with our first batch of kids, the whines and whimpers when we would walk out the door and leave them with a sitter. Later, however, they confessed that although they were sad when we would leave, they truly felt happy that we wanted to be with each other. As older teens and adults, they were able to look back on those days and be grateful for the security they felt when they saw that mom and dad were happy with each other and wanted to spend time together. They felt relief. They might not have been able to verbalize it at those younger ages, but they felt it nevertheless.
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| Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash |
One thing we did when our youngest four entered our home was to enforce the "everyone off of this floor at 9:00 PM rule". Our house has three levels and our bedroom is the only one on the main level. Kids could go to their own bedroom or downstairs but we were going to spend that hour from 9:00-10:00 with each other. We could watch a show without interruption or just talk. We knew it was important to unwind from the day and we protected that time. You might be thinking that seems sort of self-centered. I would disagree. We found that if we didn't keep the communication and attention flowing with each other, ultimately everyone would suffer. Taking care of your marriage is actually the most unselfish thing you can do for your family.
You still need time alone. I am the type of person that really has a hard time doing things just for myself. As I mentioned earlier, fostering itself demands that we come with a willingness to pour out ourselves for others. But, even those that enjoy doing for others will find themselves resentful and bitter if they are not taking care of themselves. Take time to have coffee with a friend. Enjoy a pedicure or massage every now and then. Or, do as I do and when things have become a little too stressful and my reactions are a little too sharp: put yourself in time out. I can feel the tension in my spirit when I have had enough. My "no's" become a little more pronounced and my obviously annoyed responses are coming out too often. I simply let my husband know that I am going to have to check out for a little while and I retreat back to my bedroom. I might lounge in the bath for a while, watch a chick flick or read a book. I do what I need to do to take care of myself so that I'm not responding out of a dried up well. I can pour into them much more freely when I have made time to be refilled.
Other children in the home still need your time too. Admittedly, when kids come into our home, we don't want there to be any difference in how we treat our new kids vs those who have been with us since birth or just in the house longer. Everyone needs us and at times you might find yourself stretched about as far as you can go. But in an attempt to make sure Sarah and Jack feel a part of the family, Franklin is feeling neglected. It is tempting to always give the squeakiest wheel the attention. Our instinct is to migrate to the child having the most issues. It might even feel as if we are always in emergency room mode....just putting out fires and responding to the greatest need. The fall out from that is that biological kids, or foster or adopted kids who have been in the home longer might get left out.
Children all need time with their parents. Your foster children will demand that time just because they are so in need. But, there is nothing wrong with taking time with the kiddo who is NOT demanding your attention. They need to understand they are valued and your time is still available to them as well. I remember when our last four children came into our home, a few of our older kids were in college. For our son, it absolutely overwhelmed him to come home from college and find the dynamics of his home had undergone so much change.. He needed some time to work through the difference, express himself, and still feel he had access to his parents. We made sure that we gave him some time without the entourage behind us that normally took place.
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| Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash |
Self and family care are so vital to being able to go the long haul with fostering and adoption. Don't let it be an option or even wait until you are at a desperate point. PLAN to take care of yourself. Everyone will be better off when you have taken some time to refill. We just aren't made to empty out the bank account of our lives but still keep writing checks on it. Taking time to regroup, relax, and even a little pampering is absolutely essential. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE will be there when you return and guess what, you will be more present as well.
Every wound healed. Every child, a home.
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