Battle fatigue

Photo by Jake Lorefice on Unsplash

Fatigue is real.  That bone-tired feeling that floats over you like a dark, lead balloon; A sort of sadness that over shadows you like the sun that never seems to peep out from the gray clouds. Fatigue can make you feel like pulling the flannel blanket back over your head and the fatigue one feels from  parenting battles, even more so. On the frontlines of fostering, the battle can be grueling and lonely at times.


Yesterday was spent with a foster parent who had just completed her first "deployment" as a foster mom. As she bubbled out her experience, her emotions, and her love for the four siblings who had just left her home, my heart was touched.  This sweet mama was worn out. Her words were a mixed bag of emotion- raw emotion of having come from the battlefield.

She definitely had battle fatigue.


That look of...

"They took me for everything I had"

"I'm spent"

"I'm done"

"I got nothin' left"

Oh how I have felt those same feelings! It is a fatigue like no other.
But, the light in her eyes could not be missed.

It was a look of pure delight.

The realization that she had given something to these kids that they so desperately needed was present in her eyes. The feeling of satisfaction that she had done the right thing- given freely of her love and poured into four very empty, deprived vessels was easily observed.

I say, job well done.

This perfectly describes foster care. Freely expending yourself for the sake of another...a child who, despite your own fatigue and lack of self-care, is even more in need than you.

It is a  battle, that is for sure.

It is a juggling act of the most delicate nature- think  ceramic plates in the air, not little soft, foamy balls. This child before me, at no fault of their own, has been deprived of having someone willing to meet their needs. They have been going without for so long and sometimes the mere presence of the fountain (you) has them salivating for water.  The miracle of fostering is that the fountain keeps flowing.

Mending those little ones, wounded from fighting a different kind of battle, is exhausting. Sometimes you feel you are patching them up only to send them back to the front line...all before the wound that you painstakingly wrapped has even quit bleeding. But, we patch anyway. We continue to  mend, love, discipline, feed, and care for these beautiful children.

The truth is... parenting, whether foster or any other kind, if done well, is expending yourself willingly for someone else. It is taking on a responsibility way bigger than what a child can bear.  When I talk with prospective foster families, many times I will hear "I just don't think I can get attached and then let them go."  Usually, I respond with an understanding nod.

It IS difficult. Those who do it don't find it easy. But, for that child's sake, we do it anyway.  As adults, we decide to bear the burden of attachment and possible goodbyes.  We willingly place that weight on our own shoulders so that this little one learns how to attach. And by the way, their little shoulders can't bear that kind of weight. They are children. It is about allowing our hearts to possibly hurt so that their heart can heal.

Thank you, sweet foster parent. Thank you for bearing the scars and fatigue of battle. Thank you for taking on the burdens of others and for enduring; For shouldering a backpack of trauma and marching into battle. You are heroes, plain and simple.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Finding Family - Rathbun Style!

The whole Rathbun gang.

Sometimes in this field of work you fret. After all, these are little people we are dealing with...little people who need love, family and HOMES.  Finding a home and family is a heavy burden to carry and sometimes the wait for permanency is long... too long.  We wonder how everything will all work out and if there is a time where sleep is lost, it is at that point...when we are just not sure.

But then we get a bird's eye view of something spectacular! What a  privilege to watch miracles take place ...sometimes early in the process and sometimes just in time.

Either way, we know God is at work to find families for our little ones.

Such was the case for the Rathbuns.  Ragen and Rob Rathbun had watched their close friends, Laura and James Menard foster children for years.  They had been with them through some tough situations and had seen this couple faithfully love and care for the kids in their home.

Laura and James Menard

Then last year Laura and James took in two children as a temporary placement.  The Rathbuns were faithful to walk along side them as they always had...to help them when needed and offer their support.  But when Laura told Ragen that perhaps they should consider becoming an adoptive home for these two kiddos, it caused Rob and Ragen to pause and consider what this could mean for their family.

More than one person had noticed that the Rathbuns seemed to be the perfect family for this brother and sister.  The similarities between their own biological children, both in looks and personalities, was unmistakable.  Some of the needs that they had faced with their older, biological son were identical to some of the needs of this little eight year old before them. Their feisty 7 year old daughter had taught them how to approach the sweet and sassy 5 year old coming into their home.  It was as if they had already been through the training for these two kids...like the prep work had been done and they had passed with flying colors.

Jackson and Avery

When they began to consider what this could mean, Rob told Ragen that if they were going to do it, they were going to be all in. They weren't going to "try and see" but rather commit to these two as if it were meant to be and truly become their forever family.  They began with a few play dates, then weekends, and after they completed all of their classes to become foster parents, the transition was made. The Rathbuns remember having the children over on Thanksgiving that year so that friends and other family members could meet them...the entire family fell in love.

 Another memory stands out in their minds. Young Jackson prayed every night that God would provide him and little sister, Avery with a forever family. It was a nightly prayer. Ragen and Rob reassured him that his prayers would be answered. Knowing they would be the answer to those heart felt prayers helped them get through the six month waiting period.

When asked what was the most challenging piece of this journey to adoption, the Rathbuns said honestly, that while everything seemed to go so smoothly, the meshing of their biological children with their adopted kids took a little time and some patience. But, after months of living in the same home, Ragen stated that, "they are all truly siblings now. "

The Rathbuns are so quick to give credit to God for having led them to this place. Ragen spoke of adoption as the very thing that God does for us. "He takes us from the pit and chooses us".  The Rathbuns have been so successful at helping their children transition to their forever home. Ragen added, "It has been a wonderful, joyfully difficult season of life that I'm so glad we jumped into. "

Oh sweet family, Childhelp is so glad you jumped in as well! And, the delight on Jackson and Avery's faces says they are thrilled to have found their forever family. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this miracle!

Avery and Jackson (front and left) with their new family.

Jackson getting some snuggles from his grandmother.

Many people joined with the family to celebrate

Jackson's expression says it all!

Case Manager, Shana Leist celebrated as well.

Belonging- the most important ingredient at Thanksgiving

The smell of tradition.

The aroma of family.

The chatter of the familiar.

Perhaps this is so common at your house, you hardly give it a thought. But, if you have children in your home who have come from hard places, they likely will take notice.

Sometimes we take for granted the wonderful smells, experiences, and love that is poured out on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other traditional holidays.

 Aunt Betty always brings her sweet potato casserole.

I always bake the ham.

The kids get the table ready.

Everyone has a part to play and each year,  it is played out in a wonderfully familiar way.  It is like the comfiest of sweaters. The creamiest of hot chocolates. The steamiest of good, rich coffee.

It's comfort.

Whether we realize it or not, traditions make up much of our family experience. Perhaps you have a meal each week where most of your family gathers around to eat together. Maybe you all do a yearly trek to the movie theater  for the latest Star Wars movie. Whatever they may be, we might tend to take them for granted or barely notice them....just living and existing in these glorious rituals that make up our life.

Kids from hard places often are fascinated by our traditions. Much of the comfort that traditions offer might have been left out of their early years and whether they admit it or not, predictable feels pretty good. In my experience, our kids loved family so much, they were anxious to make any new experience a tradition. I began noticing on year two that they were asking for the things that were done in year one. "When are we going to have everyone over like we did last year?" Assumptions were made, even if it was a first time event, that we would do the same thing again the next year. I realized it was providing them predictable, fun, family experiences and we were happy to add a few more to our list.

The yearly trek to IHOP because that was the first restaurant we went to together.

The birthday fire pit parties because "my friends love to do that each year."

The making of the empanadas....a real treat that our kids brought us coming from a Mexican heritage.

The dishes that each child "specializes" in...like Hayley and her pineapple casserole, or Lucas and his amazing mashed potatoes, Aleisha and her decadent coconut cream pie.

Before you know it, our newest family members are an integral part of the tradition. Their contributions are noticed and appreciated and their membership into the family circle is sealed.

"We simply cannot have the dinner without your fruit salad!!"

"The way you cut up those potatoes is so much better than anyone has done it in the past. Whew, I'm glad you are here to take over that job."

"Listening to you read that passage is so meaningful. I'm glad you are here to do it each year."

Belonging.

 If we are honest with ourselves, we all yearn for it. If we move to a new place, we are truly not content until we have found the places...church, school, neighborhoods, where we belong.

So...

As you set out the good plates for Thanksgiving.

As you rake the yard for the annual "turkey bowl" football game that everyone participates in.

As you get out the 1,000 piece puzzle.

As you make your sandwich with the leftover turkey and sit down to watch the Cowboys.

Appreciate that you belong. Take in the familiar and relish in this moment of tradition.

Oh, and brag on the amazing after dinner play that your new family members have created. What a wonderful thing to see repeated for next year!

Belonging...the most important ingredient at any Thanksgiving meal.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Have you hugged a case manger today? It’s National Case Manager's Week!

Case Managers who work with children in foster care have a tough job. At Childhelp, we have some of the best case managers around and we see these selfless saints give of themselves daily. They go above and beyond to do what is best for "their" kids. They are in this field because they want to help and never expect thanks. But just like other public servants, they deserve to be appreciated. Take a moment to thank people you know who serve kids in the foster system. Their jobs are so difficult and when they get off at the end of the day, the stress still lingers on their minds. Childhelp appreciates ALL case managers who daily put kids first.  Thank you!

Here are some of the things we have observed about our  very own case managers:

Walter Ramirez

Walter is our newest case manager and has such a gentle spirit.  He is kind, generous with his time, and has a heart to help children.  In addition to his amazing ability with kids, Walter is great with technology and managing all of the many "input" responsibilities that case managers have. He is quick to tell you that he feels God has called him to help children.  His favorite part about his job is the smiles he gets to witness on the faces of the children he serves. He has been such a delight to have at Childhelp and truly a team member!

Shana Leist

Shana has been a foster parent and understands so well the struggles foster parents face. That is one of the many reasons she is so loved by her families.  Shana truly gives her best to all of the families she serves and many have mentioned that she has become a life-long friend. Our kids adore Shana and it is very evident with their open arms when she enters a room! One of Shana's favorite things about being a case manager is being able to see a child through in the the worst time of their life. Walking beside them and helping them is such a privilege.

Mark Akers

Mark has such great energy and sense of humor!  He always has a song in his heart and his positive outlook on life is contagious. The families he serves see this as well and value the time they spend with him. Mark has such a servant's heart and often goes above and beyond to be helpful. He serves the children, foster parents, and Childhelp with the utmost of selflessness and always does it with a great attitude. Mark is also a talented musician and occasionally blesses us with his advanced, instrument playing skills! It is something to see and hear!

Amanda has a heart for children. She understands with wisdom way beyond her years some of the struggles they face. Amanda truly invests in each of her families and loves "her" kids and advocates for their well being. Amanda brings a great attitude into work everyday.  She is such a great team player and works hard to help others. We are so happy to have Amanda as she gives so much of herself to others! Amanda loves to watch children as they progress in overcoming such traumatic beginnings.
We celebrate those milestones with you, Amanda!

We are so blessed at Childhelp with Case Managers who are dedicating their lives to help kids.  Join us in celebrating them and others in this field who deserve recognition and our sincerest thanks!

Anger Management

Triggers. We all have them.  Little things that will set our blood to boiling. Maybe it is hearing your child whining that sets you off. Maybe it is siblings arguing. Maybe it is the teenage "know-it-all" attitude.

Whatever it is, when it happens, it triggers us and then, well...


We blow up.
We explode.
We say things that we really don't mean.
We over react.

Sound familiar?

All of us are plagued with little time bombs that threaten our sanity. Could it be it is time to take a different approach?  Perhaps we should take a moment and actually define what sets us off and then decide in advance how we are going to behave. We decide to follow a new script. We rehearse this scenario in our minds and in front of the mirror if needed, and we change the way WE react. We can be our own bomb detonators if we want to be. After all, we are the adults in any given situation and it probably will behoove us to act like it!

So when Susie sasses you at the dinner table, the  new script that you already have ready in your mind is "Susie, would you like to say that again with respect?"

Not the old 20 minute lecture.

Not the regular exchange where each of your voices are elevating with every passing second.

Instead, in the end Susie expresses herself with a little less sass. You avoid giving your hearty, intense but meaningful lecture on the way children should talk to their parents, and before you know it, you have moved smoothly to the next topic. I know, I know, you love that lecture. But, your child doesn't and shuts down after a minute anyway. We might as well make the most of that minute!

Deciding in advance how we will handle our triggers will most definitely help us avoid the fall out of overreaction and the angry exchanges that leave us feeling guilty and inadequate. I must admit I tend to be more reactionary than I would like to be. Thinking through things and planning my response is the very best way for me to train myself to respond differently. If I am always reacting in the moment, the bomb is always going to go off. But, if having thought it through in advance, even writing down my response, keeps the bomb squad from showing up in my head, sirens blaring, then I think it is worth a shot.

So here is our new plan of action: (By the way, this plan can work for spouses too)

Decide on what behaviors trigger your anger.

Decide how you will react every time this is said or done.

Practice your response. Write it out. Say it in the mirror.

Then wait for your test!

We can change our behavior! We can decide how we will respond! No more angry outbursts! No more fall outs that actually damage the relationship! And, (you can hear the collective sigh from children everywhere) no more angry lectures.

The truth is, in any relationship, the ONLY person we can control is ourselves. If we are successful at controlling our own reaction to those who want to pull our triggers, then we can have a level of peace we didn't think possible!


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

The new baby in the room

You are looking down at your lap. You smile.  You laugh a little.  You respond to the cute little thing you are holding...cradling even. It sends you back smiles and cute little laughy faces. It tells you funny stories that causes your belly to hurt from laughter, or it pulls out your emotional side and makes you cry.  It is your baby. Oh, I'm not talking about the chubby cheeked wonder we all know and love. Nope. I'm talking about the sleek iphone XS with a camera to match the professionals and loaded with an app for any mood.

Ouch. The new baby is a phone?  Yep.  I'm afraid so. The loving looks that used to go out to actual people in the room are now being received by none other than Miss Siri...an artificial person who, though useful, doesn't deserve the fondness with which we treat her. She, along with all her artificial friends are stealing our devotion and it just has to stop.

photo by danielkorpai on Unsplash

For the last several years, phone usage has steadily been
rising. People are spending hours a day lovingly looking at this 3"x 6" baby. We are as drawn to it as the worst addict. We treat it special...giving it the ranking, of well, chocolate.  Or even worse, our kids. We are out of our minds!

Let's vow to improve. Can we not give ourselves some boundaries that will keep this baby from taking over our lives? For the sake of looking into our children's beautiful faces, let's try. Here are a few steps:

1) When there are others in the room, phone is not in hand.

Live, warm bodies are infinitely more important than the latest filtered shot of your friend's kid. Looking lovingly into the beautiful blue eyes of the child looking at you is ever so much more interesting. Plus, like it or not, we communicate to our children what we value. No wonder kids want this coveted little creature so much!  We have told them by our actions that it is the most interesting thing in the world! In general, my rule should be: A person walks in the room, my focus is on them. We might be watching a show...but we enjoy it together.  They have something to say, I'm ready to listen with my eyes and ears.  People, whether my spouse, children, or a neighbor,  truly are more important than the image I was so enthralled with just seconds before.

2) We decide how much time we are going to spend on our phone. 

Do we really need to be notified with every  "like" or  message we receive on line?  This magical creature we have in our hands actually has a turn off button.  Or, at the very least, a turn off notification button. Turns out we CAN decide how much time we spend on Facebook and Instagram and if we struggle to make that choice, we can tell our phones to cut it out at a certain time.  Hmmmm...we are in control. Not a bad idea. Here is an extra piece of advise: As parents, we decide how much time our children spend holding their "baby".  These babies do NOT need to go to bed with them.  Your kids, your actual babies, do NOT need to care for it like a hungry child. It is a tool....tools need to be put away and stored. Decide when all phones are to be put onto the charge station...in YOUR room. Get an app that helps children shut down when their time is up.  Whether they tell you this or not, they might even be relieved. Our daughter who is a junior in college has confessed that she misses the days when her phone was left downstairs for the night. Her impulse to stay on it was controlled...and she was actually relieved of the burden of it.
Yes. I said it.
Burden.
Even though we embrace technology and become little app junkies, they are a burden.  Help relieve your children of that heavy weight by supplying,  and enforcing limits.

The child in front of you is more interesting than the image on Facebook

3) Focus on real life.

Believe it or not, interesting things are happening all around you.  Your dog is making an adorable face...tongue lopped to the side and eyes as big as saucers. Your five year old's version of the latest dance craze is hilarious!  And on display...right before your eyes.  Your spouse just gave you the most loving, heart eyes ever.  Did you notice? Or would your prefer the little yellow and red emoji to the real thing on the couch. If we are not careful, we are missing the real life happening all around us. We can ooo and ahhh all we want about the sweet story of  making cookies to hand out to the mailman, or picking up the paper for the elderly lady who just lost her soul mate. The stories are touching. But, we have an opportunity to live those realities out in our own home and on the very street where we live.  Virtual reality is truly not as good as real life. Stop. Look around you. See, smell, touch, and taste the actual meal in front of you.

Whether we like it or not, technology is here to stay. We can allow it to play a helpful role in our lives as a tool, or we can give it full reign. Do you need to do some self-assessing to decide if your screen appears more interesting than the warm bodies around you?

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Hi! I'm your new sister

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

There are so many things to think about when fostering. Do you have enough space to include more kids? Will you be able to manage the demands with your current schedule? Are you and your spouse on the same page in this process of deciding to add to your family? One of the main questions I have heard over the years is "how will this affect my birth kids?". 
That was certainly a concern of mine as well.  My husband and I debated and talked many times about the possible "fallout" for our three birth children when we brought others into the home. We questioned if maybe the stress of it would topple our strong relationship with our teenaged kids.
I suppose we were right to be concerned.  After all, children in foster care are going to come in with some behaviors and beliefs that could potentially rock your world as well as the world of your kiddos.  But, rocking is a little different than turning it over. Rocking means for a time, it might lean one direction or the other. All of our children had melt downs at some point during this change in our household. Initially it felt awkward, clumsy, and a little strange. But, as time passed, the awkwardness turned to friendship and eventually the friendship, to family.

But, in the interest of being prepared, let's explore some ways we can help prepare our kids, whether from birth or adoption, for their new siblings.

1) Always have an attitude of "the more the merrier".  I suppose our kids were not in complete shock the day that we announced we were going to welcome more kids into our home. Our home had always been a safe place for their friends, an occasional stray child who had run away from home, or even a temporary fix for a family in need.  The door had always been open. If from the beginning you are teaching your children that in your family, you make room for others, run toward those in need, and help when you have the power to do so, then the mindset of making adjustments for the new sibs won't rattle their very core.
Often times, children are the ones who lead in this area. In their simple understanding of life, they sometimes are the ones saying out loud "why would we not help her if we are able?".  However, even the one advocating the loudest for others might still have a melt down or two, but the mindset of "life is not all about me" has been established.

2) Consider birth order.  Many times, parents do not want to mess with the "order" in the family. Some parents might desire to let the oldest child still hold proudly their position. While this is not
always how things work out, it is still not a bad rule to follow. Birth order is very important to children and giving up the first born status might turn them away from embracing a new sibling. You know your children better than anyone and whether or not this could be an issue.  A good conversation with your child is the best place to start if they are old enough to truly understand what could take place. Lines of communication should always be kept open and their opinions, even when they are different than what you wanted to hear, should be heard and validated.

Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

3) Let the children already in your home know that they are still very important. No doubt, your attention will be divided as more kids are demanding it. It can be overwhelming and often the squeakiest of wheels is the one who gets your attention. There is nothing wrong with spending time individually with the children already in your home. Find a few minutes to sneak out for some ice cream. Take one child back to your bedroom and shut the door behind you for a good heart to heart. Those pacing on the other side of the door will be there when you finish your conversation. Take the time to give those who have already an established spot at the dinner table a share of your time. The appetite of needs is sometimes insatiable. Like me, children might not be content with the "I'll have just one chocolate kiss" scenerio. They, again like me, want the whole bag!  But, little by little, everyone's tank will be filled and the long line of people waiting to get some piece of your attention will shorten.

Friends, you have done something truly noble by deciding to foster. It is not without it's difficulties and you are likely to have some battle scars. But, you at least came on to the battlefield and started fighting for a child  that a few days, weeks, or months ago, you didn't even know. Thank you. Oh and kids, thank you as well.  By sharing your space with that new sister or brother, you are changing a life.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.