Hi! I'm your new sister

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

There are so many things to think about when fostering. Do you have enough space to include more kids? Will you be able to manage the demands with your current schedule? Are you and your spouse on the same page in this process of deciding to add to your family? One of the main questions I have heard over the years is "how will this affect my birth kids?". 
That was certainly a concern of mine as well.  My husband and I debated and talked many times about the possible "fallout" for our three birth children when we brought others into the home. We questioned if maybe the stress of it would topple our strong relationship with our teenaged kids.
I suppose we were right to be concerned.  After all, children in foster care are going to come in with some behaviors and beliefs that could potentially rock your world as well as the world of your kiddos.  But, rocking is a little different than turning it over. Rocking means for a time, it might lean one direction or the other. All of our children had melt downs at some point during this change in our household. Initially it felt awkward, clumsy, and a little strange. But, as time passed, the awkwardness turned to friendship and eventually the friendship, to family.

But, in the interest of being prepared, let's explore some ways we can help prepare our kids, whether from birth or adoption, for their new siblings.

1) Always have an attitude of "the more the merrier".  I suppose our kids were not in complete shock the day that we announced we were going to welcome more kids into our home. Our home had always been a safe place for their friends, an occasional stray child who had run away from home, or even a temporary fix for a family in need.  The door had always been open. If from the beginning you are teaching your children that in your family, you make room for others, run toward those in need, and help when you have the power to do so, then the mindset of making adjustments for the new sibs won't rattle their very core.
Often times, children are the ones who lead in this area. In their simple understanding of life, they sometimes are the ones saying out loud "why would we not help her if we are able?".  However, even the one advocating the loudest for others might still have a melt down or two, but the mindset of "life is not all about me" has been established.

2) Consider birth order.  Many times, parents do not want to mess with the "order" in the family. Some parents might desire to let the oldest child still hold proudly their position. While this is not
always how things work out, it is still not a bad rule to follow. Birth order is very important to children and giving up the first born status might turn them away from embracing a new sibling. You know your children better than anyone and whether or not this could be an issue.  A good conversation with your child is the best place to start if they are old enough to truly understand what could take place. Lines of communication should always be kept open and their opinions, even when they are different than what you wanted to hear, should be heard and validated.

Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

3) Let the children already in your home know that they are still very important. No doubt, your attention will be divided as more kids are demanding it. It can be overwhelming and often the squeakiest of wheels is the one who gets your attention. There is nothing wrong with spending time individually with the children already in your home. Find a few minutes to sneak out for some ice cream. Take one child back to your bedroom and shut the door behind you for a good heart to heart. Those pacing on the other side of the door will be there when you finish your conversation. Take the time to give those who have already an established spot at the dinner table a share of your time. The appetite of needs is sometimes insatiable. Like me, children might not be content with the "I'll have just one chocolate kiss" scenerio. They, again like me, want the whole bag!  But, little by little, everyone's tank will be filled and the long line of people waiting to get some piece of your attention will shorten.

Friends, you have done something truly noble by deciding to foster. It is not without it's difficulties and you are likely to have some battle scars. But, you at least came on to the battlefield and started fighting for a child  that a few days, weeks, or months ago, you didn't even know. Thank you. Oh and kids, thank you as well.  By sharing your space with that new sister or brother, you are changing a life.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.