The new baby in the room

You are looking down at your lap. You smile.  You laugh a little.  You respond to the cute little thing you are holding...cradling even. It sends you back smiles and cute little laughy faces. It tells you funny stories that causes your belly to hurt from laughter, or it pulls out your emotional side and makes you cry.  It is your baby. Oh, I'm not talking about the chubby cheeked wonder we all know and love. Nope. I'm talking about the sleek iphone XS with a camera to match the professionals and loaded with an app for any mood.

Ouch. The new baby is a phone?  Yep.  I'm afraid so. The loving looks that used to go out to actual people in the room are now being received by none other than Miss Siri...an artificial person who, though useful, doesn't deserve the fondness with which we treat her. She, along with all her artificial friends are stealing our devotion and it just has to stop.

photo by danielkorpai on Unsplash

For the last several years, phone usage has steadily been
rising. People are spending hours a day lovingly looking at this 3"x 6" baby. We are as drawn to it as the worst addict. We treat it special...giving it the ranking, of well, chocolate.  Or even worse, our kids. We are out of our minds!

Let's vow to improve. Can we not give ourselves some boundaries that will keep this baby from taking over our lives? For the sake of looking into our children's beautiful faces, let's try. Here are a few steps:

1) When there are others in the room, phone is not in hand.

Live, warm bodies are infinitely more important than the latest filtered shot of your friend's kid. Looking lovingly into the beautiful blue eyes of the child looking at you is ever so much more interesting. Plus, like it or not, we communicate to our children what we value. No wonder kids want this coveted little creature so much!  We have told them by our actions that it is the most interesting thing in the world! In general, my rule should be: A person walks in the room, my focus is on them. We might be watching a show...but we enjoy it together.  They have something to say, I'm ready to listen with my eyes and ears.  People, whether my spouse, children, or a neighbor,  truly are more important than the image I was so enthralled with just seconds before.

2) We decide how much time we are going to spend on our phone. 

Do we really need to be notified with every  "like" or  message we receive on line?  This magical creature we have in our hands actually has a turn off button.  Or, at the very least, a turn off notification button. Turns out we CAN decide how much time we spend on Facebook and Instagram and if we struggle to make that choice, we can tell our phones to cut it out at a certain time.  Hmmmm...we are in control. Not a bad idea. Here is an extra piece of advise: As parents, we decide how much time our children spend holding their "baby".  These babies do NOT need to go to bed with them.  Your kids, your actual babies, do NOT need to care for it like a hungry child. It is a tool....tools need to be put away and stored. Decide when all phones are to be put onto the charge station...in YOUR room. Get an app that helps children shut down when their time is up.  Whether they tell you this or not, they might even be relieved. Our daughter who is a junior in college has confessed that she misses the days when her phone was left downstairs for the night. Her impulse to stay on it was controlled...and she was actually relieved of the burden of it.
Yes. I said it.
Burden.
Even though we embrace technology and become little app junkies, they are a burden.  Help relieve your children of that heavy weight by supplying,  and enforcing limits.

The child in front of you is more interesting than the image on Facebook

3) Focus on real life.

Believe it or not, interesting things are happening all around you.  Your dog is making an adorable face...tongue lopped to the side and eyes as big as saucers. Your five year old's version of the latest dance craze is hilarious!  And on display...right before your eyes.  Your spouse just gave you the most loving, heart eyes ever.  Did you notice? Or would your prefer the little yellow and red emoji to the real thing on the couch. If we are not careful, we are missing the real life happening all around us. We can ooo and ahhh all we want about the sweet story of  making cookies to hand out to the mailman, or picking up the paper for the elderly lady who just lost her soul mate. The stories are touching. But, we have an opportunity to live those realities out in our own home and on the very street where we live.  Virtual reality is truly not as good as real life. Stop. Look around you. See, smell, touch, and taste the actual meal in front of you.

Whether we like it or not, technology is here to stay. We can allow it to play a helpful role in our lives as a tool, or we can give it full reign. Do you need to do some self-assessing to decide if your screen appears more interesting than the warm bodies around you?

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Hi! I'm your new sister

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

There are so many things to think about when fostering. Do you have enough space to include more kids? Will you be able to manage the demands with your current schedule? Are you and your spouse on the same page in this process of deciding to add to your family? One of the main questions I have heard over the years is "how will this affect my birth kids?". 
That was certainly a concern of mine as well.  My husband and I debated and talked many times about the possible "fallout" for our three birth children when we brought others into the home. We questioned if maybe the stress of it would topple our strong relationship with our teenaged kids.
I suppose we were right to be concerned.  After all, children in foster care are going to come in with some behaviors and beliefs that could potentially rock your world as well as the world of your kiddos.  But, rocking is a little different than turning it over. Rocking means for a time, it might lean one direction or the other. All of our children had melt downs at some point during this change in our household. Initially it felt awkward, clumsy, and a little strange. But, as time passed, the awkwardness turned to friendship and eventually the friendship, to family.

But, in the interest of being prepared, let's explore some ways we can help prepare our kids, whether from birth or adoption, for their new siblings.

1) Always have an attitude of "the more the merrier".  I suppose our kids were not in complete shock the day that we announced we were going to welcome more kids into our home. Our home had always been a safe place for their friends, an occasional stray child who had run away from home, or even a temporary fix for a family in need.  The door had always been open. If from the beginning you are teaching your children that in your family, you make room for others, run toward those in need, and help when you have the power to do so, then the mindset of making adjustments for the new sibs won't rattle their very core.
Often times, children are the ones who lead in this area. In their simple understanding of life, they sometimes are the ones saying out loud "why would we not help her if we are able?".  However, even the one advocating the loudest for others might still have a melt down or two, but the mindset of "life is not all about me" has been established.

2) Consider birth order.  Many times, parents do not want to mess with the "order" in the family. Some parents might desire to let the oldest child still hold proudly their position. While this is not
always how things work out, it is still not a bad rule to follow. Birth order is very important to children and giving up the first born status might turn them away from embracing a new sibling. You know your children better than anyone and whether or not this could be an issue.  A good conversation with your child is the best place to start if they are old enough to truly understand what could take place. Lines of communication should always be kept open and their opinions, even when they are different than what you wanted to hear, should be heard and validated.

Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

3) Let the children already in your home know that they are still very important. No doubt, your attention will be divided as more kids are demanding it. It can be overwhelming and often the squeakiest of wheels is the one who gets your attention. There is nothing wrong with spending time individually with the children already in your home. Find a few minutes to sneak out for some ice cream. Take one child back to your bedroom and shut the door behind you for a good heart to heart. Those pacing on the other side of the door will be there when you finish your conversation. Take the time to give those who have already an established spot at the dinner table a share of your time. The appetite of needs is sometimes insatiable. Like me, children might not be content with the "I'll have just one chocolate kiss" scenerio. They, again like me, want the whole bag!  But, little by little, everyone's tank will be filled and the long line of people waiting to get some piece of your attention will shorten.

Friends, you have done something truly noble by deciding to foster. It is not without it's difficulties and you are likely to have some battle scars. But, you at least came on to the battlefield and started fighting for a child  that a few days, weeks, or months ago, you didn't even know. Thank you. Oh and kids, thank you as well.  By sharing your space with that new sister or brother, you are changing a life.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

You're doing WHAT??? How to help relatives and friends accept the idea of fostering

You are so excited!  You have just gotten the call and a sibling group of three is coming to your home this evening!  Wow...life is about to change and you are suddenly realizing that you can not do this alone.  This will require an army of people who will be there to help you at the drop of a hat. You envision meals being brought, children developing new aunts and uncles, ice cream trips, and family barbeques. It can happen. It shouldn't be that far fetched. But, the reality is, many, including some of your family and friends, might not understand what you are about to take on. They might not feel the excitement as the new bunch bounces their way on to the seen like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. Perhaps they want to help. Maybe they want to understand. And yet as you sit alone and the phone remains silent, you realize the possibility that others just don't get this.

Photo by Charlein Gracia on Unsplash

In this world, most find it difficult to understand this new role. We love to embrace the American Dream  but let's face it, the dream is many times for ourselves. It normally doesn't include opening our home to wounded children and many of those surrounding you won't be able to fathom making that kind of a sacrifice. Most dream about making life easier for themselves...not more difficult.

But, you know your life was meant to be used for a greater purpose so you press on with confidence. Our job is to assist those curiously standing on the sidelines and show them how they can help. Here are a few suggestions to help bring people you care about into this new world.

1) Inform your friends and family. During the couple of months prior to a placement, let your friends, family, and church know of your desire. Talk about some of the feelings and thoughts that led up to this decision to foster and set out some expectation of the support you are hoping to receive. This is the time to find out who will stand beside you and walk with you through the good and the bad. Also, finding support groups or organizations that can offer resources and experience is helpful as well. In the Knoxville area KAFCAM (Knoxville Area Foster Care &Adoption Ministries  http://kafcam.org/) is a wonderful resource for information. There are many online groups that can offer suggestions and resources and who also can relate to what you are going through. Connect. It might be your lifeline on a hard day.

Photo by You X Ventures on Unsplash

2) Educate yourself and others. Children who have come from a trauma -filled life are going to have some learned behaviors. The more you can educate yourself and help others to understand, certainly the better off you all will be. Childhelp offers training to help in understanding the brain and development of children from hard places. There is much to offer just by searching the Internet. As a way of introduction to children who have come from hard places, check out this video from Dr.
Karyn Purvis of Texas Christian University. Dr. Purvis does an amazing job of helping us see how the brain and development changes when a child comes from trauma.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vjVpRffgHQ&t=2012s

3) Ask for patience. You are essentially bringing strangers into your home. The bonding and attachment process takes time. Set realistic expectations for yourself, your kids, and even your family and friends. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids will not happen over night. All of the altruistic, benevolent thoughts we have about what we are doing can diminish in the midst of hard, real-life drama. Perhaps we have to take a moment to imagine ourselves in our children's shoes and understand all that transpired to bring them to this point. Empathy, kindness, and unconditional love can all work together to help a child heal. Those qualities need to come from you as the foster parent but they are so appreciated when they also come from those around you. Take each day as a new beginning...and take as many new beginnings as you need.

At Childhelp, we are happy to help those around you understand this pool in which you are about to dive. It won't be easy and probably will require more of yourself than you ever thought possible. But, with a great support team, patience, and a determined spirit, lives will be changed.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Serenity NOW! Tips for keeping your sanity while fostering

Photo by Amy Treasure on Unsplash

There have been many times over the last 13 years of fostering and adoption that I felt my sanity slipping. While trying to give kids a sense of normalcy and safety, my world would in turn become disregulated and I would be the one in need of some coping skills. Last I checked, the mama in the corner sucking her thumb wasn't what was listed as "awesome qualities of a foster parent" when we were going through the classes for licensure. When you enter the world of hurting children, it is easy to allow the chaos and trauma to become part of your life as well. Here are some tips to keep your sanity in tact:

1) Keep a sense of humor.
The most successful foster parents I know always find something to laugh about. There is plenty to drag you into the dark pit of despair but a lighter side can be the rope to help you climb out. When you can laugh at your own mistakes, forgive quickly the mistakes of others, and allow the stress to roll off your back, you might be on the road to keeping your sanity in check. In this world of heavy

issues, laughter truly is the best medicine. Find the funny movies, tell the light-hearted stories, and play the silly games. There is probably no better way for a child to heal than to play their way to good mental health. A good foster parent joins in on that play and keeps things on the lighter side. Even when instructing or disciplining, less is more. Less talk, less drama, less anger. Believe me, with my love for words, I've had to learn this the hard way. Surely talking something to death will help them understand!!!  Uh, I'm afraid not. Keep it simple, to the point, and on the playful side and life will go well with you.

2) Brace yourself for uncertainty.
The whole idea of fostering is a temporary fix. Sure, many children may end up being adopted from foster care but, the uncertainty of that and all that it entails needs to be understood and embraced from the beginning. I see many heartaches that could have been avoided if the idea of "shared parenting" was embraced from the beginning. Oh I understand it gets confusing. We are begging you to connect and attach to hurting children and then the system feels like it yanks the rug right out from under you. This piece of a very messy puzzle can sometimes be the straw that pushes us right up to the edge of crazy. We understand. But, realize that there are multiple people and entities making decisions for this child or children and those decisions might stand in contrast to your own opinion. It is OK to advocate for your foster child. But, know from the start that your voice and opinion, while valued, will not be the only one heard.

3) Take care of yourself
If there is one thing I can say for certain, trying to eek out a few drops  from an empty vase will almost always result in a cracked pot! Learning what your own needs are and how to go about meeting them is the only way to have peace, harmony, and longevity in this ministry to hurting children.

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

Go ahead...

Go out on that date with your spouse.

Schedule a massage.

Meet up with a friend for coffee

Take the time to read your new book.

Continue your gym membership.

If you are not taking care of your own needs, then be prepared for a break down. Our bodies and minds are not equipped to continually pour out without at some point a refilling. Learning how to recognize when your tank is low and what steps you can take to refuel will help you see this through to the end. Go without and burnout will soon follow.

Fostering is not for the faint at heart. But, few things in life are as important as meeting the needs of children. Arm yourself with a great support team and take the leap to make a life-long difference to a child.

Will it be hard?
Yep.

Will it be worth it?
Absolutely.

But here is the good news...Childhelp is here to help.


Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Truly a Super- MAN

Here's to all of the foster dads out there who are tirelessly giving of themselves, sharing the most precious gift they have...the gift of fatherhood. They are the true superheroes of our time...the Superman of your community, the Iron Man of your home.  They are dads, plain and simple.

Foster dads deserve such blessings poured out upon them.

Many of the kids we serve might not have experienced what it is like to have a father. Maybe for the first time, they get to play basketball in the driveway. Maybe for the first time they get to flip the steak on the gas grill. Maybe they have someone to finally teach them how to drive a car or how to get a job.  Perhaps they have never had someone to root for them as they hit a grand slam or to cheer as they sing their first solo part at church.

You know, things that most of us just take for granted.

But for a child who has missed the vital attention of a father, or received the bruises of one who was out of control, a loving father can breathe life back into a child. They can restore calm and sanity to a world gone crazy.

We see our Childhelp fathers giving of themselves every single day. Here are some ways we see them "fathering":

Photo by Picsea on Unsplash

• They are there to read a bedtime story to their children
• They form funny traditions like a crazy hand shake or a cool way of saying goodbye
• They sometimes take their kids to work with them and teach them life skills
• They sit beside them in church, read the Bible to them each evening, and listen as Scriptures are recited.
• They sit through piano recitals
• They have a permanent indention in hard metal seats at the ball park
• They plan fun-filled vacations
• They make impromptu trips to the store for ice cream
• They make funny faces and silly sounds
• They open the car doors for their wives and daughters and teach their boys how to treat a lady
• They watch endless Disney movies...sometimes in place of the big game
• They tell their kids that they are safe and that "Daddy is here"
• They listen as their child begins to open up



Photo by Arleen wiese on Unsplash

• They pray

So many ways our dads pour into children who need them...who sometimes are desperate for them.

We appreciate you, Dads.  What you are doing in the lives of these kids does not go unnoticed. Thank you and Happy Father's Day!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Not Called

Photo by Mattia Ascenzo on Unsplash

I have used the phrase "a calling" many times in reference to fostering or adoption. I mean, after all, it is a huge undertaking and God's will and leading  needs to be in place. I might have been out of place, however, to use the phrase "called".

To say that we are called to something then makes it easy to say that we are NOT called to something. So, if we are "not called" to bring children into our home, are we automatically pardoned of responsibility?  I don't think so. Here are a few points to consider:

1) Children from neglect, trauma, and abuse are a societal issue with which we all must be concerned. It is unfathomable to think of a child fending for themselves for food, care, and love. We all have to work together to take care of the most vulnerable of our society and our world. Because the US is such a developed country, we might be tempted to believe our children are fine. Oh how I wish that were true!  We can no longer take pride that our children are well cared for when so many are being abused, neglected, and starved of both food and love. Our government is spending millions of dollars to help care for our children in need. While I'm so appreciative that we have that kind of support, certainly we cannot just look the other way and let it all be handled by the government. We must look at the kids down the street as well as the children of the world and see the monumental need. The very heart of God and what He deems is "pure and undefiled religion" is to "visit orphans and widows in their trouble". While neither the word "calling" or "command" is used in this passage, we certainly get the idea that the vulnerable are on God's heart and to imitate Him is to care for those in need.


2) While not everyone is equipped to actually bring children into their home, EVERYONE can do SOMETHING. We must do away with the thought that because we "aren't called" then we have no responsibility. We do. There are any number of ways that you can help and support families who have decided to take on the tremendous task of fostering or adoption.
Check out this blog from Jason Johnson who does an amazing job of helping the church see how we can all find our place in this ministry.

http://jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/wrapping-around-foster-and-adoptive-families

3) Forgive me for being so bold, but if you are using the phrase "I'm just not called", then what you are really saying is...I'm choosing to look the other way. I'm choosing to NOT involve myself in this messy ministry." Because if we see the Bible clearly teaching to run towards children in need, and we choose to run away, then to further use God as your excuse for not helping in some way, shape or form is negating the many, many times He has urged us to meet the needs of children. Our calling is to be obedient...to imitate and pattern our life after the heart of God. I can't help but believe that to see, welcome, and value children would be demonstrating the true character of God. Christian teacher and author, David Platt, says "Even when Jesus' disciples saw children as a nuisance to be avoided, Jesus saw them as a treasure to be welcomed, to be received, to be loved, to be cherished."

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

It isn't often that I want to present something that could offend or be taken in a negative light.  If you know me, you know that I would literally do anything to keep from hurting or offending you. My sin is enjoying being liked....too much. On a personal level though, bringing in six children from hard places was  over whelming. We needed support and lots of it. I remember the loneliness I felt when trouble and struggles eventually came. I remember well meaning Christian people looking at us as if we were crazy to bring this stress upon ourselves. That culture simply MUST change.  As a church, we have to normalize bringing in children from hard places. We have to train our nursery workers and Sunday School teachers how to love and care for children from trauma. The statistics are not heading in a downhill turn. The numbers rise each year. Please, pause for just a moment and sincerely ask God what part you need to play. If and when He gives you a clear answer that you are to do absolutely nothing ...then I suppose you can truly say "not called."

Are you home bound? Commit to pray.

Are you a pastor? Preach and teach on this and welcome those who are caring for this need.

Are you a student? Befriend a foster child.

Are you a teacher? Be patient and learn all that you can about trauma behaviors.

Are you a parent? Take your wealth of parenting experience and become a foster parent.

You get the idea. We all have a place. When it comes to caring for the most susceptible, the most tender, the most unguarded, doesn't it make sense that we are all called?

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Unmasked

Photo by John Noonan on Unsplash

It is our tendency as humans to present what is our "best" side.  Social media has not helped with that. We trash any picture that shows us in an unflattering way. We use filters that add makeup or slim down the face. We can change the light so that it softens the wrinkles. We can honestly filter everything so much that we are barely recognizable.

It seems we all want to appear better than we really are.

But, doesn't that just wear you out?  Aren't you tired of pretending and having to keep up the facade?

I know I am.

Life would be easier if we just simply offered acceptance of each other and along with that...our individual flaws. All of us have flaws. We are all masking something that we think is less than flattering.
Acceptance doesn't mean that we quit urging each other to greater works, healthier living, and flattering attire. What it does say is that we be honest about ourselves. If we are struggling, we say so. If we have gained a few pounds, eh, we don't try to hide behind someone else in the picture.
It is real.
It is honest.
And at times ... a bit raw.

There is truly nothing I have been through in my life that has  revealed more of the true me than becoming a foster/adoptive parent.  I have had to grovel through some painful moments and have had to peer way too deep into my hidden side. You know what I'm talking about...the side that very few see.  The "I'm tired and everyone needs to stay out of my way," side. The side that wants to make it more about me and my needs than the needs of those around me. The side that frankly, I would rather hide. But, stress seems to lead the way to exposure. My crazy begins to become untucked. The darkness sometimes comes into the light...whether you want it to or not.

Ugly.
Impatient.
Dare I say it?
Unloving even.

I value  kindness so much. I love to respond with a cheerful tone and a genuine smile. I want to answer "yes" to as many questions as I can. But, if I'm taking off the mask, then I must confess, I struggle. The real me is sometimes not the image that I want the world to see.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I lost my hair and while it hurt to see myself bald, I was surprised that it didn't bother me more. At home, I went around with nothing covering my naked head.  Everything was uncomfortable. At home, I got to be me and my family loved me just like I was. But, when I went out...well then, I covered it up. I couldn't manage a wig so I wore hats that tried to disguise who I really was at the time.

I think in some ways, that describes our very soul. I'm in pain, hot as fire, and in distress, but let me put on this hat so that you will feel better about me. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable so I will cover up the hairless dome that is my head. It's not all bad. I mean we don't necessarily want to let the entire world in on our pain, struggles, and bad days. But, being real? I think we all need a lesson or two.

The truth is we all struggle. If this is not a period of turmoil for you, if you are feeling on top of the world and might be tempted to look down on others from your nice, high perch, then beware. Life has a way of evening out that perch. Rain falls on all of us. Perhaps the gut wrenching struggle...when we are so low we can barely lift our heads, perhaps it is in those moments that we are truly teachable.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

We are humble enough to see others through the lens of mercy.

We can allow others to shed their bothersome masks and reveal to us their true selves.

We can love those who might be, at the moment, unlovable.

We were all there at one time or another. Unlovable that is.

I dare say that true love,  is loving especially those that are acting unloving.

Nothing bonds people together more than to be loved fully...while at your worst.


Every wound healed. Every child, a home.