Dear Child in Foster Care

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Dear Child in Foster Care:

Your path has been so difficult.  You have been through so much more than you have even let on; more than your case workers know; more than your foster parents know; and more than you are even willing to admit to yourself.  Our hearts go out to you in your pain and distress.

We see your downcast face.

We hear your shaky voice.

We understand the slammed door.

All of it, we get.  But, we want you to know that we are here to help you overcome.  We want you to come to a point one day of seeing yourself as we do...someone who is amazing, unbelievably resilient,  and able to soar above all that has happened up to this point.  We want you to have normal, healthy relationships and we work diligently on that now, so one day, when you are a spouse or parent, you know how that works.  We want you to be able to process real feelings so that you can experience life- the good, the bad, the ugly, the incredible.  We don't want you to stay in the valley of bland when there is a smorgasbord of life just waiting for you. Who wants a steady diet of Krystal gut bombers when there is Fillet Mignon on the menu!  There is so much more, sweet child.

So, if you would like this as well, please hear these suggestions. They are written with love from someone who has seen the pain of  your trauma. Please take a moment and see what is before you; what help and resources are at your fingertips and what characteristics you might need to develop.

1) Be teachable.  

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Up until now, you have not had too many invest in how to navigate this life. The adults in your life have let you down and you might resist trusting even now.  We as your foster or adoptive parents want to help change that.  We want to show you how to have real relationships.  We want to show you how to talk about ideas and dreams rather than people and drama.  We want to guide you to a place where you are able to see those dreams for yourself. We want you to learn to trust.  But, all of us, whether in foster care or not, have to assess our own selves.  We have to take a long look in the mirror of our souls and decide who we want to be.  I'm telling you now, if you are moldable and teachable, life will be open to you in a much easier way.  Lessons will be able to be learned without hardship and disaster.  But, if you ignore wise counsel, you might be destined to repeat what has been your teacher thus far.

2) Take responsibility
As a follow up to number one, take responsibility comes in right behind.  Sure you have had a series of horrible life events, none of which have been your fault.  It is unfair.  But, what happens to you from this point on is really up to you.  You, maybe for the first time in your life, have a chance to change the outcome.  You have people and resources to help you along the way and you don't have to battle for food, shelter and education.  You can focus on the healing that needs to take place and begin to change your story.  The path towards that is to take responsibility. Sometimes, true bravery is taking a look at yourself and rather than defending what is, you work towards what could be.  You are navigating a ship that can go in the direction of love, prosperity, and security.  Or, you can steer that thing right into a hurricane.  It truly is yours to choose.

3) Take advantage of resources
While you might not see the advantage of foster care at first, there are some.  You now have medical insurance provided for you up until you are 20. You have access to therapy to help you overcome your trauma.  Depending on when you came into the system and the age you were at the time of adoption, your entire college education could be free for you.  Sweet child, others only dream of that.  It is a real possibility for you but, again...your ship, your course.  I heard recently of a college student who had $80,000 worth of college debt and the major she chose will provide a job with an income that will literally take YEARS to pay that off.  That won't be your story if you choose to apply yourself in school. Education can change your path completely and it will be offered to you in foster care.  Not a bad perk after all you have been through.

4) You have a story that can help others.
I understand that you might not at this moment feel that you can change someone's life, but in your future, you might do just that.  You have a story that is unique to you.

It is one of terrible fear.

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It is one of survival.

It is one of trauma.

But, it can become...

One of hope.

One of peace.

One of thriving

One of power and self-confidence

One of normalcy

Precious one, we are here  for you.  When we talk to you about life and how to navigate it, we want to help you. We want good things for you and any correction is done out of love for you.

You are forever in our hearts.


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

What does it mean to "tuck her in"?

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A few years ago a child was taken away from her mother and was in our care at Childhelp.  The mother (I'll call her Sarah) wanted to do everything she could to ensure she would be able to get her child back.  She quickly bonded with the foster mom and thus began the best of all scenarios:  A foster mom teaching the birth mom how to parent; how to show love to her child.

Seems so simple doesn't it?  I mean, those of us who grew up feeling loved and secure so naturally love our kids in that way.  But, knowing how to show love is not a given and sometimes we actually have to teach parents how to show their children love.  What a blessing to walk along side someone who has made horrible choices but owns up to it and is willing to learn.  I can't think of any quality I admire any more in someone than a teachable spirit.

When it came time for the child to have an unsupervised visit in the birth mom's home, Sarah was nervous.  She called the foster mom and asked her how to do it.  She wanted a list of what her child did everyday and what the foster mom did.  She essentially was asking "how do I mother my child?" The foster mom eagerly made her the list.  She included things like "I give her a snack at 10:00 and she really loves bananas and peanut butter".  Or, "we play outside for 30 minutes at 3:30."

The foster mom was surprised to get a call from Sarah about 8:30 that night.

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Sarah sounded nervous and was anxious about the next item on the list.  "What does it mean to "tuck her in", she asked.  Without judgment, the foster mom explained what it meant to tuck a child in at night.  She calmly taught Sarah how to express love and security through this foreign action called "tucking in".

So much of our own raising is taken for granted.  We often assume everyone knows how to love and that people just naturally know what to do.  Sadly, this is not always the  case.  Many times, parents who were abused or neglected themselves are destined to repeat the abuse apart from an intervention.  Foster care, many times, can be that intervention.  It might possibly be the wake up call a parent needs to change their habits and to finally learn how to love their child.

When I first thought of fostering years ago, this part of the equation intimidated me- this idea of working with birth parents who have done something so bad their children had to be removed.  While sometimes it is necessary for a child to have zero contact with the parents, when contact is allowed, I find myself rooting for that parent to step up.  I see that redemption on all accounts would be the very best scenario.  For this child to not have to question for the rest of her life why her mom or dad didn't do everything in their power to get them back, I think we can all agree, would be best.

So friends, know someone who might need a little assistance in learning to show love?  Are you a foster parent who needs to reach out in compassion to the birth parents of the children in your care?  Are you a birth mom who suffered yourself at the hands of parents who did not know how to show love and now you are repeating what you learned?

We don't escape this life without at some point, crying out for help.  Cry out, dear friends.  There are people who care.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Giving up the crown

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I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel inadequate.

I'm so irritable.

I goofed up.

I just want to stay in bed.

These are thoughts that probably travel through the mind of any foster mom on any given day and really, parents in general.  If you feel you totally have it together as a mom, then please, I need some lessons.  Parenting is hard when you start from scratch and when you begin your parenting journey with kids at ten and twelve, it sort of feels like you are trying to put together a puzzle.  Except that years ago, two 1,000 piece puzzles fell to the floor at one time and the pieces are all jumbled together.  Yep.  That is how it feels. It can all be sorted out, but it is going to take an awful lot of patience and body cramping poses to get it all done.

So, dear mamas...  Could we all just lay aside any crowns? Fathers who are expecting perfection...could you give yourself a break?   Let's put down any pretense that we have this parenting thing down and let's just be real.  Now, I'm not saying "let's accept our shortcomings and not ever try to improve".  No...I so want to improve!  I'm just tired of pretending I have it all together and would prefer, for a moment, to relax.  I would like to, just for a moment, forgive myself for not being perfect and...well, lay down the crown of perfection.

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The fact is, to be a good parent, we do NOT have to be perfect.  I'm going to let you in on a secret. 
Studies have shown that if we as parents do the right thing 30% of the time, then we will be considered a successful parent.  That doesn't seem too difficult, right?  I think my odds might even be a little better than that!!

In this little video, it highlights our parental role of caring for our kids.
https://vimeo.com/228134047?from=outro-embed

It ends with this tidbit: "good enough, is, well, good enough!"  We are going to fail from time to time to meet our children's needs and those of us parenting children from hard places know this all too well.  The needs are so great that there is NO WAY to meet them all.  But we continue to get up everyday and do our best.

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We love.
We fail.
We encourage.
We get frustrated.
We hug.
We turn away.

All of it.  But, precious laborers, if we can continue to push ourselves to meet a little bit more of their needs; to respond with kindness MOST of the time today; to say yes to play when our heart was set on watching a show. You get it...we will be fine and so will they.

At Childhelp we have started a new slogan: "Love is all you need."  Now, in reality, we need a little more than just love.  But, it is the beginning of everything we do...love.  If we know how to offer love then we are way up on the scale of good parenting.  Love is most definitely where it all begins.  It is the foundation of everything else.  So, dear friends, relax.  Sweet mama, lay down that crown of perfection.  You are way more than enough...  and good enough is, well....good enough!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Grace really is amazing

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Grace.  Just the word brings up a comforting feeling of being loved unconditionally.  I find it easy to extend grace but it is a little harder to have to be on the receiving end.
As in....
Messing up.
Being cranky.
Feeling out of sorts.
Being misunderstood.
Forgetting something.
Being irritable with the kids.

All of us, as together as we might appear, stand in need of grace.

This has been a tough season of our life and it seems like it stretches on.  Maybe it is being 54 and having gone through cancer.  Maybe it is because the chemo left some lasting side effects.  Maybe it is because we have nine kids and the seasons may never really be "easy". But, for whatever reason, I find myself in need of grace.

I recently was asked to get a few moms together to talk about parenting.  I listened to those sweet young mamas tell about their experiences with their kids.  They were asking for grace.  They wanted to know that things would be OK and that so far, their parenting had not ruined anyone.  Oh little mamas, I'm with ya.  I'm sort of like those in the medical field who take a vow "to do no harm".  I don't want to harm.

But, because of hormones, life's stresses, and people in general, I might accidentally harm someone.  I can assure you, it would not be my intent.  Friends, oh how I DON"T want to cause anyone harm! But, I might anyway. Oh I would never cause physical harm to my child but..
a harsh word?
I'm not above it.
A critical spirit?
Guilty.

I wonder, though, when we  accidentally sound a little "edgy"....could we simply overlook it? Just pretend we didn't notice.  Could we simply not take offence when we don't get invited to the baby shower?   How about we love anyway when someone purposely or accidentally insults us.  Is it so hard to just let the driver over into your lane?  Or let the family with one item hop in front of you at the grocery store?  Or hug the crying 5 year old instead of scolding them? Could we pinkie promise to just ...extend grace.

Practicing extending grace to others gives me hope that the grace will be there for me when I'm the one standing in need of it.  Oh it will be a hard fall for those who think they are above needing it.  The self made pedestals have a way of tumbling down in unexpected ways. Nice when there is someone to throw down a pillow to lesson the blow.  Real nice.

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Oh believe me friends, when you bring children from hard places into your home, there is a need to extend grace.  Thank God, they have been willing to offer it freely to me!!  Ahhh....and on occasion, I might have the opportunity to generously give a cup of grace to them
.





Loving someone really means that grace will be in the mix of things.  We are all imperfect and if we recognize that from the start then we are more likely to offer that helping hand as someone is sliding down the hill of despair.  We will be more likely to not notice an offence rather than shine a flashlight on it. We will be able to offer grace.  Grace. Even when the struggle is self-infIicted. I'm not sure there is a more beautiful expression of love.  It is easy to love someone when they are....well, lovable.  Oh but to love someone even in the midst of ugly?  Now, that is true love.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Why not me?

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A few weeks ago at church we had an opportunity to give a word of testimony about what God is doing in our lives.  It was such a sweet time to hear different people speak about how God is working in them and through them.  I found myself sharing the tremendous blessing of bringing children into our home and the fact that I shutter to think my husband and I could have missed out on that blessing.  What blessings are sitting there waiting on us and we just can't or won't open the door to receive them?

Earlier in my life I felt a call to the mission field.  I responded to that calling after hearing a Missionary from Zimbabwe speak to my church.  I was sixteen at the time.  I don't recall all that she said that day.  I'm supposing there were stories about her life on the field and her work in that African country.  I do, however, remember how she ended her message.  She talked about the need for missionaries to introduce Christ to many who haven't heard, and then she looked straight at the congregation and asked, "why not YOU?"  It was at that moment, I knew God was calling me. Why NOT me, I said to myself. My husband and I had the privilege of responding to that call to the mission field  later in our life and that question still rings in my ears today.  Why not YOU?

I think the same question could be asked of this calling to foster or adopt.  We feel a little tug, we hear about the need, and then we have to ask ourselves, "why not me?" 

Fostering and adoption have become somewhat in the forefront of people's minds these days.  Most of our churches have had someone to adopt or to respond to the call to foster.  Probably many have thought about it.  At least I hope they have.  But the doors to this messy ministry are not swinging with people flying through them.  In this blog, I want to address some of the possible barriers that might be blocking you from responding with a resounding "YES"!

1)  I am financially strapped already.  I can't afford another mouth to feed.  

With fostering, whether you foster through a state agency like DCS or a private agency like Childhelp, you are given a stipend to help provide for the child or children in your home.  When we were blessed with our youngest four, many things changed.  Our electric bill went up.  We had to change vehicles to accommodate so many kids.  There was a never ending line of fees for school and church trips, clothes, shoes, etc... But, with the stipend we received, we were able to take care of all of those needs and more.

2) I don't think I can handle the behavior of a child from such abuse.

Granted, there are perplexing attitudes and behaviors that are displayed when a child has been taken out of an abusive home.  That is why we require a lot of training.  The way to overcome this barrier is education.  How do I respond to a child who refuses to eat....or one who is eating me out of house and home?  You will encounter some behaviors, no doubt.  But what most people don't realize is that the majority of kids in the system, given a safe, loving environment, have fairly "normal" behavior.  Do they have an attitude every now and then? Uh...yes.  Do they say "mom" a gazillion times?  Oh yes.  Are they struggling at times with school, feelings, life?  Absolutely.  We have the privilege of helping a child navigate all of that...to be a life changing influence on that child and their future.  Nothing you do in this life could matter more.

3) I don't think I can handle more than one child.

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Talk to many of us who have fostered and we will tell you, siblings are probably easier than one solo child.  When you bring a sibling group of 2-3 in your home, they come equipped with someone who is their comfort and knows their shared history.  Also, they are coming in with an automatic playmate.  There are things that I'm good at as a mother...I'm funny and I know how to have a great
time dancing through the kitchen.  But, I despise playing Chutes and Ladders.  I don't want to "ride a little horsey" and the expressions I make while "talking" for Barbie might get a little snarky.  It is an area that I might need to grow in, for sure, but a child coming in with a checker's partner already?  Yep...that's a help.

4) I would have a hard time letting a child go back to their birth parents. 

This is one of the most common arguments for not fostering.  I'm going to address this by saying...it is not easy to do.  But, let's consider a couple of things.  First off, the child might not go back at all and be adopted by you or someone else.  Secondly, we are the adults here.  It is our job to teach a child how to attach and to love them and keep them safe.  PERIOD.  If we have a hard time "handling" parts of this process, imagine the difficulty of the child!  We have to handle it ....for their sake!  Don't let how this ministry might make YOU feel determine whether or not you invest in the life of a child.  It really is not about me...or you.   This ministry is 100% about the child.  Let me add another thought to this as well.  What if you were instrumental in helping that child's parents get their life back on track?  What if you established a life-long relationship with this family and walked along side them to teach them how to love and parent their child? Wow...that is redemption displayed in the most beautiful way possible.

5) What would it do to my biological child(ren)?

You might have heard me address this before. My husband and I certainly worried about this before bringing children into our home.  At Childhelp, we would never want you to feel your child is unsafe or be unduly influenced by negative behavior.  But, having 3 biological children, and bringing 6 older kids into our home, I think the overall response from my first batch is very positive.  They learned that this life is not all about them.  They learned to share their mama and daddy and their  "stuff".  They learned forgiveness and compassion. What possible negative can come from that?  They understand the privileges they have had that other children have dreamed about.  They are adults now and all seem to have a passion for fostering and adoption.  The fact that they would run toward this ministry and not away from it is an indication of how they feel. Were there tough times for them?  Oh yes.  But our kids go through tough times with their biological siblings as well.  Problems might be different but the overall lesson here....we have to learn to get along with people in general.  We have to share and love and forgive and encourage and do all of that over and over again.

You will no doubt encounter problems if you say yes to this ministry.  It will be messy and wonderful.  It will take you to your lowest low but also to your highest high.  It is not for the faint of heart.  My friends, I don`t believe God created us for the sidelines.  I don`t think he has so beautifully formed us and equipped us, just to sit and watch life happen.  He created us for a purpose.  Oh, and guess what...  All the children out there?  He created them for a purpose as well.  I for one want to help them find that.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Leggings, Spandex, and long flowy shirts

It's the beginning of January and here I go again.  I'm eating like a maniac because I know the moment of truth is here and I have to start cutting back and once again try to maintain some semblance of good health and nutrition.

When I was younger, there were more obvious signs which pointed towards a cut back.  Jeans for one.  Jeans were a daily reminder of how things were going in the food department.  If you had to lay on your back to shimmy yourself into your denims, well, things weren't going so good.  If you secretly unbuttoned that little metal Levi button to help you breath...yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Those alarms don't exist in today's world.  We have leggings.  We have tunics.  We have what everyone affectionately calls "athletic wear".  What a joke!  The only athlete most of that spandex has seen is our bundled bottom on a well worn track to the refrigerator.  Am I meddling too much?  Sorry, I really am speaking for myself and if you still want to stand by your claim, please, march on.  They are your work out clothes and who am I to say otherwise!

My point is this:  Leggings and all of it's cousins mask what is happening in my body.  They softly embrace my muffin top and give me no reason to feel uncomfortable or alarmed.  Want fries with that?  Go ahead...we got cha covered.  An extra scoop of ice cream?  No problem!  There is room enough to spare here!

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I'm afraid that leggings are not the only things that try to cover over and excuse our comfortable,  over indulgent life style.  There is a whole marshmallow cloud of  comfortable settling in on us even as I write. We absolutely love to be comfortable.  Give me an oversized pair of sweat pants, some fluffy socks, and a soft t-shirt and I'm in heaven.  Throw in a Hallmark movie and a cup of hot
chocolate and....well, life is just plain good.

I like it.  Comfort that is.  But, I'm reminded daily that life is not all about my comfort.  It is so easy to think that it is.  If we are honest, most of our day is spent to bring about the feeling of comfort to our tired, achy bodies and perhaps to our even more achy feelings.  Even last night, I put the timer on my Starbucks coffee brew so that it would be ready for the taking when I got dressed.  Ahh,,,,good hot cup of java to begin my day.  It makes me HaPpy! I won't leave home without it.

So how do we get to a point of self denial.  A point where we make a decision to actually say no to self and yes to something that might not be as "comfortable" but actually might be better for us. The only way I know how to do that is to get to know the person who ultimately showed us what it meant to deny Himself...Jesus.  He is the ultimate example of leaving the comfort and safety of his surroundings and marching towards something that would bring about great suffering for him, but ultimately be the cure for the world.

I want to be like Jesus.  Sure, I'm going to have to fight my nature to please myself....but the point is....I'M GOING TO FIGHT.  I'm going to put on athletic wear, and actually run a race....the one He has set before me.  It will require intense training and long days.  It will actually require me to say a big fat NO to the extras that everyone else seems to have.  It will leave me exhausted at the end of each day and I might lose a few hours of sleep.  But, I will fight this culture of over indulgence that tells me I'm worth the extra food and pampering and turn to the one who says I'm worth it, because of who HE is...not because of my own merit.

Comfort?  Meh...it's over rated.  I'm choosing to march toward a goal that will ultimately produce more than a lean body or a pampered life style.  I want to be more like Jesus.  I want it so bad, I'm willing to chisel away all of the trappings that keep me from seeing it clearly.  I'm throwing out the clutter and I'm pressing on to the prize he has set before me.  I'm in this race...no longer a bystander, standing on the sidelines,  pretending to be an athlete.  I'm in.

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Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

I give UP!

 Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Do you ever feel that way?  I give up!!!  As mothers, we are bombarded with people needing us, asking for something from us, making us look at them (hey, watch this!), and a list a mile long of our jobs as mothers.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes, we might want to give up but we retreat back to our bedroom and rest for a while, then we pack up our weapons, pull on our camouflage  big girl pants, and we go back into battle. Not to make it all sound so grim, but, reality pushes me to be honest.  That is a real feeling we all face and sometimes we feel like saying, or maybe even shouting... "I GIVE UP!", "I SURRENDER!"


Oh how I feel your pain.  Been there all too many times.  But, might I suggest that there are a few things we CAN give up on...and if we do, we might just survive each day a little bit better. Maybe we can do more than survive...is there a chance we might THRIVE??  Read on.

• Give up on being the perfect mom.  We all want to do a good job raising our children.  We strive to give them all that they need and most of what they want.  Sometimes, however, we are going to fail at that.  We are not going to be able to meet all of their needs, wants, and desires, and we are definitely NOT going to be able to prevent them from having a hardship every now and then.  Accept that. Let that sink in for just a moment. 
  
  Grieve for a second or two that you really don't have super powers and then draw in a long deep breath. Now, help your kiddos to learn that while Mama will do her best, she is only one person and little Susie might have to go without that second sport.  Bought cookies might have to be what Tiffany takes to school instead of your "specialty" that all the kids love.  Sometimes we set our expectations of ourselves so high, we feel we are constantly failing in this limbo of life.  We feel we keep knocking that bar off and then feelings of failure kick in.  Fellow mamas, relax.  You can't do it all and by the way...stop looking at that Mama who seems to be able to.  She might have the organizational skills to handle her load but her tank will soon have a leak as well and her limbo bar might have to be lowered eventually.  
• Give up on needing your own way.  When you have multiple kids, somebody better be in charge and most of the time it falls on us.  Not to disparage the role daddy plays in this...they are awesome at so many things, but running the house?  Usually Mama.  There are a few things that I have just plain had to let go.  For example, my teenage sons now wear shorts...year round...even when temperatures have dropped the night before into the twenties.  I used to make them go back up to their room and change  with a shout of "people are going to think ...what kind of mother would let you go out like that!!".  Meh...this kind. I mean, do brief periods of being cold really cause sickness?  I think not.  So, go on...knock yourself out.  If you get cold...well then, you get cold.  I am dusting off my hands even as I write.  Done.  Not my worry.  You see, everything really doesn't have to be MY way.  Sometimes as parents, we make a compromise.  We say...in this, you can have your way.  We let them take the lead, we give up a little of our own desire and we say in words and actions...I respect you enough to let you choose this.
• Give up on doing everything for them.  When our kids are small, there is an awful lot that falls on us as moms.  We have to do so much for them and sometimes we forget to let go of the reins a little bit.  Children are much more capable than we think.  When our youngest four came into our home, their ages ranged from 10-15.  I felt absolutely over whelmed  and swallowed up with the ever increasing laundry demand.  Solution:  Everyone did their own!!  Even the ten year old

  

  Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash

  could learn to operate the washer and dryer and manage his own laundry.  No one was harmed by this added chore on them and I was relieved.  The sacrifice for me is occasionally realizing one of them smells sour or has worn the same outfit for a couple of days.  But, the advantage is kids growing up, leaving home  knowing how to manage their clothes and hopefully a little more about managing their life.  News flash: kids can also cook, vacuum, make beds, wash sheets, fold towels, and take out trash.  In this house, living here requires you to do chores.  So far, no one has keeled over from this rule.

Perhaps I'm not the only one who would actually like to be an empty nester one day.  Am I alone in my thinking that preparing kids to be independent is anything but absolutely wonderful?  I know, some of us find our self -worth in the care giving role. Not me.  Oh believe me, with nine children, I dish out the care.  But, I would very much like for ALL of them to embrace adulthood and all of the responsibility that comes with it.  As far as I'm concerned, they are adults in training.  And, in this family, we started that training with a Tide Pod and a vacuum cleaner.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.