Calming Chaos: How the Atkinson Family does it

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson

Chaos.  It is all around us.  Every time we turn on the television or open our computer, we see it. Even sitcoms make us laugh at the craziness and drama of others.  But, what if we decide we don't want the chaos anymore? What if we commit to choosing a simpler, calmer life? Perhaps you have been thinking of adopting a lifestyle in your family that lends itself to tranquility...or at least an attempt at it!

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson  have done just that.  From the beginning they decided to make relationships the priority in their home. And, a year ago when they brought 3 more children into their home to foster, adding to their family of four, they studied the situation even more. Cindy and Ryan knew that meeting everyone's needs would quickly drain them if they didn't set some ground rules for the family.  I sat down with Cindy to find out how they do it.  What she revealed can help any family struggling to calm the chaos! Here are her tips:

1)Have a family member of the week.
If you are a parent of more than one child and they can talk, you know how many times a day/week you are asked questions and how much competition there is about literally everything: the front seat, picking the movie, the top bunk... you get the idea. Ryan and Cindy solved this by having a family member of the week. That child gets to choose many of the "special" items  when it is their week, thus eliminating much of the arguing and many of the questions. To make it even more special, they are singled out to go with the parent of their choice to the library to choose the books for the week. The child of the week gets to pick the books that everyone will enjoy, plus choose the one that is read each night to the family, all while spending a lovely time with mom or dad by themselves!  This special child also gets to choose the movie for family movie night, sit in the front seat, or any of the other coveted decisions that can easily cause an argument.  Problem solved.

2) Limit technology and sports

After dinner playtime is a must at the Atkinson home!

Ryan and Cindy have discovered that the "pay off" of technology lends to very little dividends.  Parents think the convenience of the iPhone babysitter or the marathon watching of the Disney channel is relieving them, but in reality, behavior becomes worse. Cindy says that play outside, crafts, and creativity lead to much happier, satisfied children. Of course, this puts a few more demands on their time as parents, but Cindy says it is absolutely worth it.  "Being a parent is a ministry" she says.  Cindy and Ryan view connecting with their children as the most important part of parenting. When asked "can I have a phone?" by their foster daughter, it was easy to explain to her how addictive phones can become and how much more time they will have to spend together if those are limited. This sweet child, after years of not having her needs met, was content with the idea that someone was choosing to spend time with her. She finally has attentive parents who see time spent with her as a treasure.
Sports are wonderful for kids, but when you have five, it can easily consume your life. In this family, a child can choose one sport a year.  Swimming is always available in the summer months when school isn't in the equation.  With some limits on extra-curricular activities, they are able to make the evening meal a priority.  At least six nights a week the family gathers for dinner. Oh the discussions and conversations that happen around that table! Balance is something that is difficult to maintain, but somehow, this family has found it.

3) Marriage is a priority
When you have five children, all wanting the attention of mom and dad, time together as a couple can easily slip by the wayside. Cindy says that even in the midst of many needs, time with each other is top priority. The couple make dating a priority and Cindy says they are grateful to have family members who understand the importance of what they are doing and are more than willing to offer to care for the children while Cindy and Ryan have a night out. This couple seems to understand that without the foundation of a healthy marriage, everything  else can quickly fall apart. Cindy added that Ryan is quick to protect her when he knows she is being pulled in all different directions. The couple has set rules to protect their time together.  All the children are in bed by a certain time. When younger children wanted to pop out of bed extra early in the morning, a bedside clock was the solution and a time set for getting out of bed.  This way, even when a child awakened, they would lay that extra time in bed...often falling back to sleep.  Protecting that time together is smart and allows the children to see that you value the time you spend together as a couple.

4) Be honest
This one might seem to be a no brain-er, but kids need to know that mom and dad are real people they can trust. When one child overheard the discussion with the Biblical counselor about what "thing" they were working on with each child, he asked Cindy, "Mom, do you have a 'thing'?" Cindy was able to be honest about her short comings and helped her foster son see that all of us have a "thing". None of us are perfect and being able to be honest about areas that need work or ways that we fail is something that good parents recognize as good discipleship. Children need to understand that their mess-ups are forgivable and that we are all a work in progress. When children from hard places understand that they are allowed to make mistakes, many times their very soul is calmed. The fear and uncertainty and the chaos of their own mind is calmed and they learn to relax.

Big brother, Caleb, comforting his foster brother after a tough time.

One of the greatest blessings this family has been able to enjoy is the bond that their foster children have established with their birth sons. One of their sons, Caleb, is a special need's child and frankly was the excuse this family made for not fostering sooner. Watching this special child love with such unconditional love has been healing for their foster children. No matter how the new three have behaved, "Caleb is always waiting with a hug", Cindy explained.  The foster daughters have quickly become extra hands and "mother" to Caleb which has been an added blessing to Ryan and Cindy.  Cindy is quick to give God credit for this match made in heaven. This family expressed that what they thought might be an extra burden, was transformed to a blessing for their special need's son. Both Caleb and Silas have embraced their new siblings and all are learning what it means to give a little more, make a little more room, and be a family to those who need one.
Childhelp is so grateful for the amazing work this family is doing to help children heal! Thank you Atkinson family!!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

This family knows the HEALING POWER of PLAY!!

Caleb and Silas (left) have adjusted well to having more siblings!

Ryan enjoys some one on one time with one of the newest family members!

A Simply IMPERFECT Christmas

In my heart, I want it to be simple.

In my home, I want it to be simple

In my bank account, I want it to be simple.

In my kitchen, I want it to be simple.

But I'm telling you friends, simple sometimes seems, well...complicated. 

With the Christmas holiday upon us, let's focus on how we can accomplish keeping it simple:

Let go of expectations. 
This is a change that can begin at this very moment.  While I enjoy watching a Hallmark movie as much as the rest of the world, I know that everything is not that "picture perfect". Decide now to let go of some of those unrealistic expectations. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, my husband and I have 9 children.  With that large of a family, we had to let go of some of what we expected out of them and out of ourselves. For example,  we no longer buy gifts for all of the older children.  That hurt my heart to give that up, but it absolutely overwhelmed me to figure out gifts for that many people.
So, they get cash. Not too personal, I realize. If I am able, I might add one personal gift or a handwritten letter but even if that doesn't happen, I'm okay.  Also, I realize that with children growing up and having their own families, I might not get to have them in the same room at the same time.  I refuse to put that kind of pressure on them and have let go of that perfect photo opp.  Do I still hope all of my chicks are around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning? Of course. But, as they grow older...life will change. I fully expect their own traditions to take over and some of mine to lose top priority.

What about "almost homemade".
Part of my frustrations during the busy holiday season is the amount of meals I seem to be preparing. I will still have a traditional Christmas dinner, but I might cheat a bit for the other meals surrounding the day.  If two large chicken pot pies from Costco or a couple of frozen lasagnas from Walmart can be inserted to provide a meal for my gang without having to think through and line up ingredients, then I say so be it! Simplifying means finding ways to make things run smoothly and lesson the stress.  What about a sandwich night?  Or even getting together for just cookies and hot chocolate. The point is...get together. 
If you still have littles in the home, they are equally impressed with a pizza night or hot dogs around the fire pit. In other words, together doesn't have to mean table clothes and candles, two meats, six sides, and everyone's favorite dessert. Keeping it simple might mean you will reserve enough energy to enjoy the evening too.  I can almost guarantee that your family would rather have a simple meal and a happy mama than the other way around.

Good enough is...good enough 
I don't consider myself a perfectionist but a people pleaser?  Guilty.  I would probably try to run through fire if I thought that was what someone ELSE was expecting for their entertainment. My people pleasing is and probably will always be a work in progress.  Recently, though, I told someone very close to me that I couldn't do what they were asking of me. Amazingly, we all survived. I also have missed a couple of my son's football games and by my best observation, he still played well and doesn't appear to be terribly scarred. Relationship is still in tact. Will my tribe occasionally be disappointed in me?  Probably. But my effort, my attention to them, my house keeping abilities are all good enough. Not perfect...but enough.

Your children will be okay...

If the outside lights don't get put up this year.

If they don't get to have the epic sleepover they were hoping for during their school break.

If finances called for everyone at the party to go home...wait for it...without a party favor.

If they turn on cartoons and eat Pop Tarts so that you can get an extra hour of sleep.


YOU will be okay...

If paper plates are used at the Christmas dinner instead of grandma's china.

Photo by Providence Doucet on Unsplash

If everyone eats cereal on Christmas morning instead of the big breakfast you were hoping to prepare.

If the floors didn't get mopped before everyone comes over. (Newsflash: the moment they all walk in, the floors will be dirty. Doesn't it make sense to mop after they leave?  Hmmm??? )

If your boys are still wearing shorts on Christmas day. (They won't stay cold forever and I don't think you actually get sick from being a little chilly anyway.)

So, have I convinced you to relax?  Enjoy your less than perfect life? After all, it is generally the imperfections that we all remember. Let's have more of those!

Every wound healed.  Every Child, a home.  childhelptn.org

"Room in my heart and home" How one single foster mom makes it happen!

Melissa B., in the world's eyes, had it made:

A successful business woman who had a beautiful home of her own.

Vacations every year with friends or family.

 In a way, she was living the high life.

But, Melissa says she always knew there was more to her life and that she was being called to go deeper.  God had often times reminded her of this persistent feeling that she could do more.

One day, after seeing a Public Service Announcement from Childhelp, Melissa said she knew it was time to respond. "I knew I could help", Melissa told me with a confident smile. Childhelp is so glad she took the initiative to make that first call!  Melissa  first began volunteering for Childhelp...helping with foster care events and fundraising.  Then, she became a member of Childhelp's board and used her education and business influence to help make important decisions for the organization.

But, over a year ago, her commitment level took on a whole new meaning.
Melissa, after completing training to become a foster parent, took the plunge and welcomed three little girls into her home.

Change. Wow, did it take place that day! Suddenly this single, independent business woman had three little faces staring up at her and this time her role was "foster mom.".

Another title those of us at Childhelp would give her is "Superwoman"!!

Melissa took all of her business skills and organized tutoring, music classes, dance, and more. She combined that with her nurturing side and in the midst of chaos and trauma, found family...both for herself and the precious kids before her.

Melissa and girls at one of their many fun experiences..being SLIMED!

I asked Melissa what was the best part about this experience.  She replied, "Knowing I am having a positive impact on their lives - seeing them smile and watching them accomplish things!"

Melissa has given the girls experiences that are every child's dream. She has balanced the world of extra-curricular activities like a professional and each child has had an opportunity to learn, grow, and bloom where they have been planted.

When asked what was the most difficult part of this process, Melissa responded that "dealing with outbursts when their trauma was just too much for them to bear could be hurtful". But, she added,  "I've learned  not to take it personally."



Children sometimes lash out when they are stressed from all of things they have been through. Melissa has learned to help them through those vulnerable moments and together, they became family.  Melissa has embraced the girl's birth mom as well. Whether they stay forever, or return to their birth family, Melissa feels that she will always be a part of their lives.  It is clear that a bond has been established by everyone.

I asked Melissa what advice she would give to other single adults thinking about fostering.  "Just do it!", she said. "There is nothing to be afraid of. They are just kids who need love, attention, and opportunities to grow." Melissa added that she has been surprised by the amount of community support available to fostering families.  She said that in addition to the support Childhelp offers, she has found a pool of resources that has been of assistance to her.


Melissa took a chance. She followed her big heart that told her she had more to give. At Childhelp, we know of three very special girls who are glad she did.

Childhelp is so richly blessed by Melissa and other foster parents who continually say to themselves: "we can do more."

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

To learn how you too can become a foster parent, go to childhelptn.org

The School of PLAY

Is there anything more enjoyable than to watch a child totally engaged in playing? Losing themselves in the moment and fully embracing their inner Belle, Peter Pan, or Superman is a pure joy to watch. I confess, though, many times I embrace the watching a little more than the participating. As I get older, I find that my imagination doesn't take me to a wonderland quite as easily as it used to. But, when I do make the effort to jump into their magical world, I once again am amazed at its beauty.

Playing is just so therapeutic. All of us as adults need to go back to the school of play. We somehow allow the seriousness of this adult life to take over and we forget. We forget the excitement we felt when we hid beneath the stairs, holding in our breath as "it" passed us by in an epic game of hide and seek.  It has slipped our minds the endorphins that were released after joining in on a neighborhood game of kickball. We have pushed back the thrill of playing Cinderella to our son's version of Prince Charming. 

In raising children, we are always learning. Certainly after nine children, and with hindsight being 20/20, I have seen things I could have done differently. Here are a few insights that might help you to modify or add to what you might already be doing to connect with your child:

1) DECIDE TO SAY YES MORE OFTEN

 Looking back, I realize that NO was said many times when YES could have just as easily been my answer. "Can you play with me?" was many times met with a "not now" as I was busy making supper. But, could I have let the beans simmer for a few minutes while I threw the ball? Yes. Could I have said, "I would love to play with you right after we eat!" -still allowing me to  say yes while finishing my task? yep.  I think that the few minutes I would have given to fulfilling my child's request would not have been much of a sacrifice but would have meant the world to my child. I realize now that fulfilling their request would not necessarily have take an entire hour, but many times just a few minutes of focused attention through play would have been very satisfying to both of us. Don't get me wrong, I didn't always avoid playing.  But, if I could have "spoiled" my children a little more with a resounding "yes", I wish I would have. Spoiling our children with our undivided attention is really not spoiling at all...it is parenting.

2) KEEP THINGS ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

I would have used playfulness in my discipline. In retrospect, I realize the fallout of an evening came when my attitude and despair went toe to toe with my child's. If I could have met their snarkiness with a little playfulness then we could have gone on to have a lovely evening. A "can you say that again with respect" said with a playful tone would have gone over much better than the 15 minute lecture I delivered and probably  would have produced better results. When I asked my adult children what was a way that parenting could have gone better for them when they were little, without fail, they said they could have done without the lectures. I'm pretty sure they don't remember the eloquent speeches I delivered but rather a "wha, wha, wha ,wha" echoing in their minds. Our messages still need to be relayed but think fewer words. Oh, and if they are delivered in a rhyming rap tune, or as a famous opera singer, even better.

3) PLAYING IS THE PATH TO A CHILD'S HEART

In working in an environment where I am introduced to many children who have been through trauma, I understand more than ever how play is the medicine to help heal their very wounded souls. Not only does it help a child's mood but it also can reveal what is in their heart. A child is more open to revealing more of themselves when they are playing. How often are we successful with "let's sit on this couch and really have a one on one discussion about all that has happened to you". Not very often, I'm sure. But, a child opening up about their Mama having thrown the ball with them when they were three might be the beginning of a very meaningful discussion. Whether a child has experienced trauma or not, play is the key to understanding their heart. If you want to connect with your child's heart, then you best get down on that floor and build the best Lego building you can muster up. Or throw on that wig and get ready to be a damsel in distress. The point is, let your child lead you to their imagination. That will be an education you will not be able to find anywhere else. Lasting connections that are the foundations for a meaningful relationship or made much deeper over a game of chase or leaning over a puzzle together.

There is not enough space to list all of the benefits of play. Playing with our children, and in general still having fun as adults is so important to our happiness and well-being. If you haven't played for a while, consider beginning with a designated "Yes" day where you give yourself permission to say yes to your child's requests. They will have no idea of the deal you've made with yourself but simply believe they have the best parent ever! Or, start with 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time after dinner. Allow your child to lead and follow their example. Child led play is one of the very best ways to see what is on their mind and heart.

Remember, a child doesn't come up and ask you for a few minutes to talk over their heavy heart. They will ask you to play with them. Wise parents will be able to see that play is so much more than rolling a ball for a few minutes. PLAY means CONNECTING!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Battle fatigue

Photo by Jake Lorefice on Unsplash

Fatigue is real.  That bone-tired feeling that floats over you like a dark, lead balloon; A sort of sadness that over shadows you like the sun that never seems to peep out from the gray clouds. Fatigue can make you feel like pulling the flannel blanket back over your head and the fatigue one feels from  parenting battles, even more so. On the frontlines of fostering, the battle can be grueling and lonely at times.


Yesterday was spent with a foster parent who had just completed her first "deployment" as a foster mom. As she bubbled out her experience, her emotions, and her love for the four siblings who had just left her home, my heart was touched.  This sweet mama was worn out. Her words were a mixed bag of emotion- raw emotion of having come from the battlefield.

She definitely had battle fatigue.


That look of...

"They took me for everything I had"

"I'm spent"

"I'm done"

"I got nothin' left"

Oh how I have felt those same feelings! It is a fatigue like no other.
But, the light in her eyes could not be missed.

It was a look of pure delight.

The realization that she had given something to these kids that they so desperately needed was present in her eyes. The feeling of satisfaction that she had done the right thing- given freely of her love and poured into four very empty, deprived vessels was easily observed.

I say, job well done.

This perfectly describes foster care. Freely expending yourself for the sake of another...a child who, despite your own fatigue and lack of self-care, is even more in need than you.

It is a  battle, that is for sure.

It is a juggling act of the most delicate nature- think  ceramic plates in the air, not little soft, foamy balls. This child before me, at no fault of their own, has been deprived of having someone willing to meet their needs. They have been going without for so long and sometimes the mere presence of the fountain (you) has them salivating for water.  The miracle of fostering is that the fountain keeps flowing.

Mending those little ones, wounded from fighting a different kind of battle, is exhausting. Sometimes you feel you are patching them up only to send them back to the front line...all before the wound that you painstakingly wrapped has even quit bleeding. But, we patch anyway. We continue to  mend, love, discipline, feed, and care for these beautiful children.

The truth is... parenting, whether foster or any other kind, if done well, is expending yourself willingly for someone else. It is taking on a responsibility way bigger than what a child can bear.  When I talk with prospective foster families, many times I will hear "I just don't think I can get attached and then let them go."  Usually, I respond with an understanding nod.

It IS difficult. Those who do it don't find it easy. But, for that child's sake, we do it anyway.  As adults, we decide to bear the burden of attachment and possible goodbyes.  We willingly place that weight on our own shoulders so that this little one learns how to attach. And by the way, their little shoulders can't bear that kind of weight. They are children. It is about allowing our hearts to possibly hurt so that their heart can heal.

Thank you, sweet foster parent. Thank you for bearing the scars and fatigue of battle. Thank you for taking on the burdens of others and for enduring; For shouldering a backpack of trauma and marching into battle. You are heroes, plain and simple.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Finding Family - Rathbun Style!

The whole Rathbun gang.

Sometimes in this field of work you fret. After all, these are little people we are dealing with...little people who need love, family and HOMES.  Finding a home and family is a heavy burden to carry and sometimes the wait for permanency is long... too long.  We wonder how everything will all work out and if there is a time where sleep is lost, it is at that point...when we are just not sure.

But then we get a bird's eye view of something spectacular! What a  privilege to watch miracles take place ...sometimes early in the process and sometimes just in time.

Either way, we know God is at work to find families for our little ones.

Such was the case for the Rathbuns.  Ragen and Rob Rathbun had watched their close friends, Laura and James Menard foster children for years.  They had been with them through some tough situations and had seen this couple faithfully love and care for the kids in their home.

Laura and James Menard

Then last year Laura and James took in two children as a temporary placement.  The Rathbuns were faithful to walk along side them as they always had...to help them when needed and offer their support.  But when Laura told Ragen that perhaps they should consider becoming an adoptive home for these two kiddos, it caused Rob and Ragen to pause and consider what this could mean for their family.

More than one person had noticed that the Rathbuns seemed to be the perfect family for this brother and sister.  The similarities between their own biological children, both in looks and personalities, was unmistakable.  Some of the needs that they had faced with their older, biological son were identical to some of the needs of this little eight year old before them. Their feisty 7 year old daughter had taught them how to approach the sweet and sassy 5 year old coming into their home.  It was as if they had already been through the training for these two kids...like the prep work had been done and they had passed with flying colors.

Jackson and Avery

When they began to consider what this could mean, Rob told Ragen that if they were going to do it, they were going to be all in. They weren't going to "try and see" but rather commit to these two as if it were meant to be and truly become their forever family.  They began with a few play dates, then weekends, and after they completed all of their classes to become foster parents, the transition was made. The Rathbuns remember having the children over on Thanksgiving that year so that friends and other family members could meet them...the entire family fell in love.

 Another memory stands out in their minds. Young Jackson prayed every night that God would provide him and little sister, Avery with a forever family. It was a nightly prayer. Ragen and Rob reassured him that his prayers would be answered. Knowing they would be the answer to those heart felt prayers helped them get through the six month waiting period.

When asked what was the most challenging piece of this journey to adoption, the Rathbuns said honestly, that while everything seemed to go so smoothly, the meshing of their biological children with their adopted kids took a little time and some patience. But, after months of living in the same home, Ragen stated that, "they are all truly siblings now. "

The Rathbuns are so quick to give credit to God for having led them to this place. Ragen spoke of adoption as the very thing that God does for us. "He takes us from the pit and chooses us".  The Rathbuns have been so successful at helping their children transition to their forever home. Ragen added, "It has been a wonderful, joyfully difficult season of life that I'm so glad we jumped into. "

Oh sweet family, Childhelp is so glad you jumped in as well! And, the delight on Jackson and Avery's faces says they are thrilled to have found their forever family. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this miracle!

Avery and Jackson (front and left) with their new family.

Jackson getting some snuggles from his grandmother.

Many people joined with the family to celebrate

Jackson's expression says it all!

Case Manager, Shana Leist celebrated as well.

Belonging- the most important ingredient at Thanksgiving

The smell of tradition.

The aroma of family.

The chatter of the familiar.

Perhaps this is so common at your house, you hardly give it a thought. But, if you have children in your home who have come from hard places, they likely will take notice.

Sometimes we take for granted the wonderful smells, experiences, and love that is poured out on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other traditional holidays.

 Aunt Betty always brings her sweet potato casserole.

I always bake the ham.

The kids get the table ready.

Everyone has a part to play and each year,  it is played out in a wonderfully familiar way.  It is like the comfiest of sweaters. The creamiest of hot chocolates. The steamiest of good, rich coffee.

It's comfort.

Whether we realize it or not, traditions make up much of our family experience. Perhaps you have a meal each week where most of your family gathers around to eat together. Maybe you all do a yearly trek to the movie theater  for the latest Star Wars movie. Whatever they may be, we might tend to take them for granted or barely notice them....just living and existing in these glorious rituals that make up our life.

Kids from hard places often are fascinated by our traditions. Much of the comfort that traditions offer might have been left out of their early years and whether they admit it or not, predictable feels pretty good. In my experience, our kids loved family so much, they were anxious to make any new experience a tradition. I began noticing on year two that they were asking for the things that were done in year one. "When are we going to have everyone over like we did last year?" Assumptions were made, even if it was a first time event, that we would do the same thing again the next year. I realized it was providing them predictable, fun, family experiences and we were happy to add a few more to our list.

The yearly trek to IHOP because that was the first restaurant we went to together.

The birthday fire pit parties because "my friends love to do that each year."

The making of the empanadas....a real treat that our kids brought us coming from a Mexican heritage.

The dishes that each child "specializes" in...like Hayley and her pineapple casserole, or Lucas and his amazing mashed potatoes, Aleisha and her decadent coconut cream pie.

Before you know it, our newest family members are an integral part of the tradition. Their contributions are noticed and appreciated and their membership into the family circle is sealed.

"We simply cannot have the dinner without your fruit salad!!"

"The way you cut up those potatoes is so much better than anyone has done it in the past. Whew, I'm glad you are here to take over that job."

"Listening to you read that passage is so meaningful. I'm glad you are here to do it each year."

Belonging.

 If we are honest with ourselves, we all yearn for it. If we move to a new place, we are truly not content until we have found the places...church, school, neighborhoods, where we belong.

So...

As you set out the good plates for Thanksgiving.

As you rake the yard for the annual "turkey bowl" football game that everyone participates in.

As you get out the 1,000 piece puzzle.

As you make your sandwich with the leftover turkey and sit down to watch the Cowboys.

Appreciate that you belong. Take in the familiar and relish in this moment of tradition.

Oh, and brag on the amazing after dinner play that your new family members have created. What a wonderful thing to see repeated for next year!

Belonging...the most important ingredient at any Thanksgiving meal.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.