The School of PLAY

Is there anything more enjoyable than to watch a child totally engaged in playing? Losing themselves in the moment and fully embracing their inner Belle, Peter Pan, or Superman is a pure joy to watch. I confess, though, many times I embrace the watching a little more than the participating. As I get older, I find that my imagination doesn't take me to a wonderland quite as easily as it used to. But, when I do make the effort to jump into their magical world, I once again am amazed at its beauty.

Playing is just so therapeutic. All of us as adults need to go back to the school of play. We somehow allow the seriousness of this adult life to take over and we forget. We forget the excitement we felt when we hid beneath the stairs, holding in our breath as "it" passed us by in an epic game of hide and seek.  It has slipped our minds the endorphins that were released after joining in on a neighborhood game of kickball. We have pushed back the thrill of playing Cinderella to our son's version of Prince Charming. 

In raising children, we are always learning. Certainly after nine children, and with hindsight being 20/20, I have seen things I could have done differently. Here are a few insights that might help you to modify or add to what you might already be doing to connect with your child:

1) DECIDE TO SAY YES MORE OFTEN

 Looking back, I realize that NO was said many times when YES could have just as easily been my answer. "Can you play with me?" was many times met with a "not now" as I was busy making supper. But, could I have let the beans simmer for a few minutes while I threw the ball? Yes. Could I have said, "I would love to play with you right after we eat!" -still allowing me to  say yes while finishing my task? yep.  I think that the few minutes I would have given to fulfilling my child's request would not have been much of a sacrifice but would have meant the world to my child. I realize now that fulfilling their request would not necessarily have take an entire hour, but many times just a few minutes of focused attention through play would have been very satisfying to both of us. Don't get me wrong, I didn't always avoid playing.  But, if I could have "spoiled" my children a little more with a resounding "yes", I wish I would have. Spoiling our children with our undivided attention is really not spoiling at all...it is parenting.

2) KEEP THINGS ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

I would have used playfulness in my discipline. In retrospect, I realize the fallout of an evening came when my attitude and despair went toe to toe with my child's. If I could have met their snarkiness with a little playfulness then we could have gone on to have a lovely evening. A "can you say that again with respect" said with a playful tone would have gone over much better than the 15 minute lecture I delivered and probably  would have produced better results. When I asked my adult children what was a way that parenting could have gone better for them when they were little, without fail, they said they could have done without the lectures. I'm pretty sure they don't remember the eloquent speeches I delivered but rather a "wha, wha, wha ,wha" echoing in their minds. Our messages still need to be relayed but think fewer words. Oh, and if they are delivered in a rhyming rap tune, or as a famous opera singer, even better.

3) PLAYING IS THE PATH TO A CHILD'S HEART

In working in an environment where I am introduced to many children who have been through trauma, I understand more than ever how play is the medicine to help heal their very wounded souls. Not only does it help a child's mood but it also can reveal what is in their heart. A child is more open to revealing more of themselves when they are playing. How often are we successful with "let's sit on this couch and really have a one on one discussion about all that has happened to you". Not very often, I'm sure. But, a child opening up about their Mama having thrown the ball with them when they were three might be the beginning of a very meaningful discussion. Whether a child has experienced trauma or not, play is the key to understanding their heart. If you want to connect with your child's heart, then you best get down on that floor and build the best Lego building you can muster up. Or throw on that wig and get ready to be a damsel in distress. The point is, let your child lead you to their imagination. That will be an education you will not be able to find anywhere else. Lasting connections that are the foundations for a meaningful relationship or made much deeper over a game of chase or leaning over a puzzle together.

There is not enough space to list all of the benefits of play. Playing with our children, and in general still having fun as adults is so important to our happiness and well-being. If you haven't played for a while, consider beginning with a designated "Yes" day where you give yourself permission to say yes to your child's requests. They will have no idea of the deal you've made with yourself but simply believe they have the best parent ever! Or, start with 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time after dinner. Allow your child to lead and follow their example. Child led play is one of the very best ways to see what is on their mind and heart.

Remember, a child doesn't come up and ask you for a few minutes to talk over their heavy heart. They will ask you to play with them. Wise parents will be able to see that play is so much more than rolling a ball for a few minutes. PLAY means CONNECTING!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.