A breath- taking view

Photo by Lili Popper on Unsplash

The view from here is amazing. I guess you might even say it is breath-taking. It is not a beautiful mountain scene, with purple layers under a blue sky. It isn't a beach vista with a big orange sun slowly setting over calm waters. The view isn't of a cascading waterfall with droplets splashing on to colorful leaves. None of that. It is a different kind of view.

From my seat, I get to witness little travelers when they finally have peace in their lives when all they had experienced before was chaos. I get a view of sojourners  who have their bellies full after many years of not knowing if a meal would come anytime soon. The view I'm seeing is of long suffering guides, maybe with some dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep, but still a look of satisfaction as their little charge, this child,  finally lets go of their resistance and connects; A true embrace instead of the body bump he once offered.

There are the few that get to walk so deep into the forest of life that they are invited to see what not many, if any,  have seen before.

They have walked right past the well-worn path and are now treading on the unknown.

They have skipped over the splashy tourist route and are smack dab in the middle of foreign places.

Sound scary? It is. But oh the joy of seeing things that no other person has had the privilege of seeing. In this dark forest of life, there are places so few dare to go but when you do...you experience a sight to behold!

The kind of views I'm talking about are truly breath-taking...

There is no blooming flower that can match a mind being released from it's prison.

There is no canopy of leafy trees that can compare to the shelter of a safe home.

There is no colorful rainbow that can even come close to the beauty of seeing, maybe for the first time, hope in a child's eyes.

There is no moon over still waters that can convey the peace that a child can feel once the rage has been silenced.

When you see those kinds of views, just like the most magnificent sunrise, you are bound to look, and look deep.

This treasure, this masterpiece, takes place everyday before our eyes. Oh, don't get me wrong, difficult trails of trash and clutter had to be traversed before coming to the place of serenity. Even battling raging wolves, or taming a wild boar, or even patiently coaxing out the shy rabbit might have transpired. Thorns had to be cut down. Colorful ribbons used as mile markers had to be in place.  But, the view from other side?

Rembrandt worthy.

So, join me on this journey.

Come along as we make our way past the overly trampled path and plunge headlong into the forest.

Young travelers are waiting. Waiting on guides to lead them.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

The World's Okayest Mom

I know.  Surely "World's BEST Mom" is what we were looking for. I want to know that I was the absolute best mother my kid could ask for.  But, the truth is- sometimes I was just "okay". Sometimes I might have even slipped past okay into "not so great" and occasionally I would find myself in the arena of "FANtastic".  I'm a mixed bag. Sort of like the quarter machine that holds the little toys inside of an egg.  Sometimes you got a really cool parachute man.  Other times you got a ring that's missing it's stone. Sometimes you just got an empty egg.

Just depends.

Probably the hardest part of mothering is dealing with what sort of "prize" you are shooting down the hatch today, or even this moment.  I can't think of a harder job than managing all of my "eggs" and  trying to keep them all filled with cool toys.  It's just impossible.  There are going to be duds and broken toys...Even for the same quarter spent.

Navigating motherhood is a task we think ought to come so easily.  We think the minute that baby pops out, or we adopt the cute, freckled redhead, that we ought to know exactly what to do. We picture ourselves with the most patient, loving answers...even though the question has been asked 1,000 times.  We envision a beautiful family portrait of kids loving each other and looking adoringly at me...their mother.  Ahh...maybe that happens to some of you.  It might have happened for a moment of my lifetime, but it was fleeting.
We live in a world where those "moments" are quickly put on social media.  Look at my perfect family.  Aren't we cute??  We have no problems...see us on the boat with our hair blowing in the wind? We are so perfect!  We are Instagram perfect!  We are Facebook worthy! Oh believe me, I'm not judging.  I do it myself.  I sift through the best of us to display to the world.  And I particularly choose the photos that hide my extra 40 pounds..or at least 20 of the 40.  Wouldn't want anyone to see THAT!  Yeah...I'll pick that one that gives the illusion that I haven't let myself go.  That's the one I will show to the world.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to stop hiding.  Sometimes it would be easier to just let the world see me shoveling that donut in my mouth.  Sometimes it would be easier to flash the photo of the "family movie"...with everyone sitting on their devices instead of watching and laughing together.  Yeah..that would be loads of fun.  Everyone wants to see that.
So, where are we going with this all too "real" look at motherhood.  My point is this: None of us gets an award for the BEST.  We all fail at times and want to do better.  We all long for the perfect family photo...both to show to the world and just to enjoy.  Perfection just doesn't happen.  You know what we get? 
We get REAL.

The first Mother's day card from Lucas - age 10

Real momma who has worked all day and just doesn't have the energy to play ball...but occasionally plays anyway.

Real kids who argue, stink, and don't clean up after themselves but write sweet, heart warming
messages on mother's day cards.

Real husbands who sometimes stare for hours at the game on TV but occasionally brings a surprise home for his tired wife.

Real life. Not instagram ready, necessarily, but real.
Real love.
Real patience.
Real endurance.
Real laughter.
Real pain.
Give me "real" any day. 

Oh I will still try to find a "presentable" photo of the fam.  One that shows everyone showered, and smiling.  But, maybe I'll slip in a sweet one with a couple of bedheads. 

Maybe I'll take a candid of  all of the table crumbs after a flock of hungry geese have pecked at the dinner table. 

Maybe I'll snap a quick photo of plain ol' me....no make up, woofy hair, sitting across from my love in the morning, drinking coffee, quietly talking. Praying. 

That's when I say...who needs "World's BEST"?  I'm okay with "okayest". 

It's messy.

It's complicated.

It's real life.

And I love it.




Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Stepping out of the box

Ah, life is so comfortable in the box.  I have my pictures on the wall. I have my food ready to eat.  I've got people around me who I love and who love me back. I have my toys and my pet.  It is all right here- neatly inside my box.
Truth is, I really don't want to leave my box.  If I dare to step outside the box, the wind might blow and my pictures might get tilted. I might accidentally bring in some unwanted leaves from outside.  Food might get a little scarcer and I- well I have just enough.

The box.  We all love the box.  Our own private little world where we hang everything just so and dare anyone to knock it off kilter.
I loved my little box too.

It was
comfortable,
cute,
manageable.

Who in the world would want to go shaking the contents of that box or turning it over on it's side.

Not me.

But then one day, I dared to step outside the box.  I dared to open the door, peer out, and look to see

Photo by Daria Nepriakhina on Unsplash

things that were hidden when I stayed in my comfortable box.  I opened the window and let a little breeze in.  I left the door open for a few minutes longer and stared.  I eased my way out on to the porch and I looked around and I thought to myself, "maybe there is more I could do with my box."
Now I'm not saying we dispense of the box altogether.  Not at all.  I am however, suggesting that we take the time to look around a little.  We leave, just for a moment, the well placed world we live in, and breath in a few breaths from outside the box.  Go ahead.  Suck in the air a little.  Hmmm...it is not so polluted after all!  Didn't even get choked up!

I talk to people everyday who love their "box" so much, they are afraid to walk outside it.  The view they have is limited to their clean, white walls and they are terrified to allow the color of the outside in. I shutter to think what would have happened if we had not flung the door wide open and taken a gander at the children standing right outside our door.  They were not the neighborhood kids who could quickly scamper back to their own nests.

No.
They were...

Children who were yearning to be invited inside.
Children who prayed that someone would open the door.
Children who would have almost begged to have a place at the table.
Children who needed to be included in the "box".

Photo by Helena Sollie on Unsplash

The truth is, our boxes have secrets.  Our boxes can expand and we didn't even realize it!  Not only is there more love, room, food, clothing, and "stuff" than we ever thought possible, but,  there is one quality about love that leaves you shaking your head in disbelief:  Love always multiplies, never subtracts.  Don't you remember having your second child and wondering if you could possibly love the new baby like you did your first?  And then, suddenly that second child comes and the love was there...in abundance.  The miracle in this?   Nothing was taken away from child number one. Nothing.  The truth is, it might have even grown. 

Love multiplies.

Boxes...or houses make new rooms

Families set another place at the table.

Children have a home.





Seems so simple. It really doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

Open your door.
Walk out on the porch of your box.
Take a look. A long, deep look and breath in the air.

Children are waiting for their invitation.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Simplify: Not just a cute sign to hang on the wall

I'm not a great multi-tasker.  I realize that women are typically supposed to be gifted at doing multiple things at one time, but I somehow missed out on that gift.  If I am talking on the phone  and a child asks me a question, I lose both conversations!  I have no idea what the child said  or what the person on the phone was saying.  I'm lost.  I've learned I have to keep things simple in order to manage my life and I have to say, some of you might need to follow suit. Simplify is a popular phrase right now, but not so popular in how it actually is done.

I understand wanting your child to have every opportunity life offers.  I get wanting them to become well rounded people with a variety of abilities and skills.  I certainly want that for my kids too.  But, somehow I think we are losing some skills in our effort to skill them in so many areas. We are taking away some essential life skills by trying to fill up each moment of everyday.

There are several things I think we can teach our kids by paring down our lives and deciding to keep things simple.  Let me list for you a few advantages:

1) Your child will learn that life doesn't revolve around them.  If you are spending every night running Sarah to every practice and social activity known to man, then Sarah is for sure believing that it is all about her.  Of course we want our kids to know they are important, but teaching them their value, and having them feel entitled are two different things.  A child can understand they are a valuable person by taking time to listen to them and by allowing them to contribute to the "running" of the house...and by that I mean....chores.  They are fully capable of helping with the cooking, cleaning, helping with groceries, mowing the lawn, washing clothes, and many other things that go into keeping the household running.  When you busy your life with everything "child" then everything else gets put on a back burner.
All chores have to be delayed.
McDonald's employees start calling you by name.
Husbands and wives forget that they are...well....husbands and wives as well as mamas and daddy's.

Teaching your child that there are multiple people in the household, all needing to have their needs met as well will in the long run be healthier.

Photo by Ryan Hafey on Unsplash

2) Success over a few things is better than mediocrity over many.  Anytime I get too many things on my plate, then something or someone is going to suffer.  Although I am working on this flaw, I admit I am a people pleaser.  When I start trying to keep too many people happy, then I usually do nothing with excellence.  I can't help but believe we are all like this to some degree.  If we think we can master the art of 50 plates in the air at one time, most of us will be hit in the head when they come crashing down. There is nothing wrong with having a couple of evenings where everyone is home, and dare I say it, maybe even a little bit bored.  Those are the times when conversation can happen.  That is when the blanket forts are built.  That is when a family movie comes on and popcorn is made. I am one who needs to be a little bit bored in order to think creatively.  If every moment of every day is filled with an agenda, my mind doesn't have time to wander and my creative side is not engaged.

3) Learn to say "I'll get back to you on that".  As I mentioned earlier, being a people pleaser causes me to say "yes" too often and too quickly.  I have just recently vowed to myself to always give people an answer later rather than sooner.  Knowing my tendencies to take on more than I can handle, it is much better for me to take the request back home and think on it, see if I can fulfill it with whatever else I have on my plate, and then give the person my answer.  It might possibly still be yes, but I at least have had the opportunity to think through if it will fit into our routine and schedule.

4) Slow and lazy do not mean the same thing. Productivity is very valuable to me.  I really do not like "lazy".  But, deciding to slow things down and being lazy are not synonymous.  Purposefully keeping things simple, creating time for thought, conversations, and relaxation is healthy, not lazy.

I love to look at houses as I drive down the road.  I see all of these beautiful homes with lovely porches and decks, beautifully manicured yards, and maybe even a relaxing pool in the back yard.  What I don't see are people enjoying them.  Rarely do I see someone with their feet propped up enjoying their comfy porch furniture. I don't hear the splash of the water from the pools too often, and the decks look like they are rarely used.  I want to change that for myself and for my family.

I remember as a child, sitting each evening on the steps of our front porch as the sun went down.

Photo by Monica Silva on Unsplash

There was conversation.
There was quiet.
There were crickets chirping and frogs croaking.
And occasionally there was the collecting of firefly's.
There was connection.

A neighbor might come by and sit with us.  My grandfather, who lived behind us would wander to the porch to sit and smoke his cigar.  It was simple and there was time...time to reflect on the day and reconnect as a family. Oh, and I remember the distinct slamming of the screened door as we went in and out.  Just a screen separating the inside and out.  No locks and bolts to have to unravel to move from one to another.  No peep holes to look through to see who was coming.  It was the definition of "simplify".
Perhaps you are trying to figure out how to lesson the stress of life.  Maybe you have brought children into your home who have come from hard places and the hectic schedule you have set up is not working.  Dear friend, slow down.  Breathe.  Inhale the true value of simplifying and exhale the clutter that wants to suck us back in. Simplify is more than a cute sign to display in your living room.  It is a decision.

Resist.
Breathe deeply.
Enjoy.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Dear Child in Foster Care

Photo by Amber Kipp on Unsplash

Dear Child in Foster Care:

Your path has been so difficult.  You have been through so much more than you have even let on; more than your case workers know; more than your foster parents know; and more than you are even willing to admit to yourself.  Our hearts go out to you in your pain and distress.

We see your downcast face.

We hear your shaky voice.

We understand the slammed door.

All of it, we get.  But, we want you to know that we are here to help you overcome.  We want you to come to a point one day of seeing yourself as we do...someone who is amazing, unbelievably resilient,  and able to soar above all that has happened up to this point.  We want you to have normal, healthy relationships and we work diligently on that now, so one day, when you are a spouse or parent, you know how that works.  We want you to be able to process real feelings so that you can experience life- the good, the bad, the ugly, the incredible.  We don't want you to stay in the valley of bland when there is a smorgasbord of life just waiting for you. Who wants a steady diet of Krystal gut bombers when there is Fillet Mignon on the menu!  There is so much more, sweet child.

So, if you would like this as well, please hear these suggestions. They are written with love from someone who has seen the pain of  your trauma. Please take a moment and see what is before you; what help and resources are at your fingertips and what characteristics you might need to develop.

1) Be teachable.  

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Up until now, you have not had too many invest in how to navigate this life. The adults in your life have let you down and you might resist trusting even now.  We as your foster or adoptive parents want to help change that.  We want to show you how to have real relationships.  We want to show you how to talk about ideas and dreams rather than people and drama.  We want to guide you to a place where you are able to see those dreams for yourself. We want you to learn to trust.  But, all of us, whether in foster care or not, have to assess our own selves.  We have to take a long look in the mirror of our souls and decide who we want to be.  I'm telling you now, if you are moldable and teachable, life will be open to you in a much easier way.  Lessons will be able to be learned without hardship and disaster.  But, if you ignore wise counsel, you might be destined to repeat what has been your teacher thus far.

2) Take responsibility
As a follow up to number one, take responsibility comes in right behind.  Sure you have had a series of horrible life events, none of which have been your fault.  It is unfair.  But, what happens to you from this point on is really up to you.  You, maybe for the first time in your life, have a chance to change the outcome.  You have people and resources to help you along the way and you don't have to battle for food, shelter and education.  You can focus on the healing that needs to take place and begin to change your story.  The path towards that is to take responsibility. Sometimes, true bravery is taking a look at yourself and rather than defending what is, you work towards what could be.  You are navigating a ship that can go in the direction of love, prosperity, and security.  Or, you can steer that thing right into a hurricane.  It truly is yours to choose.

3) Take advantage of resources
While you might not see the advantage of foster care at first, there are some.  You now have medical insurance provided for you up until you are 20. You have access to therapy to help you overcome your trauma.  Depending on when you came into the system and the age you were at the time of adoption, your entire college education could be free for you.  Sweet child, others only dream of that.  It is a real possibility for you but, again...your ship, your course.  I heard recently of a college student who had $80,000 worth of college debt and the major she chose will provide a job with an income that will literally take YEARS to pay that off.  That won't be your story if you choose to apply yourself in school. Education can change your path completely and it will be offered to you in foster care.  Not a bad perk after all you have been through.

4) You have a story that can help others.
I understand that you might not at this moment feel that you can change someone's life, but in your future, you might do just that.  You have a story that is unique to you.

It is one of terrible fear.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

It is one of survival.

It is one of trauma.

But, it can become...

One of hope.

One of peace.

One of thriving

One of power and self-confidence

One of normalcy

Precious one, we are here  for you.  When we talk to you about life and how to navigate it, we want to help you. We want good things for you and any correction is done out of love for you.

You are forever in our hearts.


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

What does it mean to "tuck her in"?

Photo by Kyle Nieber on Unsplash

A few years ago a child was taken away from her mother and was in our care at Childhelp.  The mother (I'll call her Sarah) wanted to do everything she could to ensure she would be able to get her child back.  She quickly bonded with the foster mom and thus began the best of all scenarios:  A foster mom teaching the birth mom how to parent; how to show love to her child.

Seems so simple doesn't it?  I mean, those of us who grew up feeling loved and secure so naturally love our kids in that way.  But, knowing how to show love is not a given and sometimes we actually have to teach parents how to show their children love.  What a blessing to walk along side someone who has made horrible choices but owns up to it and is willing to learn.  I can't think of any quality I admire any more in someone than a teachable spirit.

When it came time for the child to have an unsupervised visit in the birth mom's home, Sarah was nervous.  She called the foster mom and asked her how to do it.  She wanted a list of what her child did everyday and what the foster mom did.  She essentially was asking "how do I mother my child?" The foster mom eagerly made her the list.  She included things like "I give her a snack at 10:00 and she really loves bananas and peanut butter".  Or, "we play outside for 30 minutes at 3:30."

The foster mom was surprised to get a call from Sarah about 8:30 that night.

Photo by Alexandre Croussette on Unsplash

Sarah sounded nervous and was anxious about the next item on the list.  "What does it mean to "tuck her in", she asked.  Without judgment, the foster mom explained what it meant to tuck a child in at night.  She calmly taught Sarah how to express love and security through this foreign action called "tucking in".

So much of our own raising is taken for granted.  We often assume everyone knows how to love and that people just naturally know what to do.  Sadly, this is not always the  case.  Many times, parents who were abused or neglected themselves are destined to repeat the abuse apart from an intervention.  Foster care, many times, can be that intervention.  It might possibly be the wake up call a parent needs to change their habits and to finally learn how to love their child.

When I first thought of fostering years ago, this part of the equation intimidated me- this idea of working with birth parents who have done something so bad their children had to be removed.  While sometimes it is necessary for a child to have zero contact with the parents, when contact is allowed, I find myself rooting for that parent to step up.  I see that redemption on all accounts would be the very best scenario.  For this child to not have to question for the rest of her life why her mom or dad didn't do everything in their power to get them back, I think we can all agree, would be best.

So friends, know someone who might need a little assistance in learning to show love?  Are you a foster parent who needs to reach out in compassion to the birth parents of the children in your care?  Are you a birth mom who suffered yourself at the hands of parents who did not know how to show love and now you are repeating what you learned?

We don't escape this life without at some point, crying out for help.  Cry out, dear friends.  There are people who care.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Giving up the crown

Photo by Jared Subia on Unsplash

I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel inadequate.

I'm so irritable.

I goofed up.

I just want to stay in bed.

These are thoughts that probably travel through the mind of any foster mom on any given day and really, parents in general.  If you feel you totally have it together as a mom, then please, I need some lessons.  Parenting is hard when you start from scratch and when you begin your parenting journey with kids at ten and twelve, it sort of feels like you are trying to put together a puzzle.  Except that years ago, two 1,000 piece puzzles fell to the floor at one time and the pieces are all jumbled together.  Yep.  That is how it feels. It can all be sorted out, but it is going to take an awful lot of patience and body cramping poses to get it all done.

So, dear mamas...  Could we all just lay aside any crowns? Fathers who are expecting perfection...could you give yourself a break?   Let's put down any pretense that we have this parenting thing down and let's just be real.  Now, I'm not saying "let's accept our shortcomings and not ever try to improve".  No...I so want to improve!  I'm just tired of pretending I have it all together and would prefer, for a moment, to relax.  I would like to, just for a moment, forgive myself for not being perfect and...well, lay down the crown of perfection.

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

The fact is, to be a good parent, we do NOT have to be perfect.  I'm going to let you in on a secret. 
Studies have shown that if we as parents do the right thing 30% of the time, then we will be considered a successful parent.  That doesn't seem too difficult, right?  I think my odds might even be a little better than that!!

In this little video, it highlights our parental role of caring for our kids.
https://vimeo.com/228134047?from=outro-embed

It ends with this tidbit: "good enough, is, well, good enough!"  We are going to fail from time to time to meet our children's needs and those of us parenting children from hard places know this all too well.  The needs are so great that there is NO WAY to meet them all.  But we continue to get up everyday and do our best.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

We love.
We fail.
We encourage.
We get frustrated.
We hug.
We turn away.

All of it.  But, precious laborers, if we can continue to push ourselves to meet a little bit more of their needs; to respond with kindness MOST of the time today; to say yes to play when our heart was set on watching a show. You get it...we will be fine and so will they.

At Childhelp we have started a new slogan: "Love is all you need."  Now, in reality, we need a little more than just love.  But, it is the beginning of everything we do...love.  If we know how to offer love then we are way up on the scale of good parenting.  Love is most definitely where it all begins.  It is the foundation of everything else.  So, dear friends, relax.  Sweet mama, lay down that crown of perfection.  You are way more than enough...  and good enough is, well....good enough!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.