What if everyone said "NO"

My life is just too busy.  I'm too old.  It is just not the right time.  There are others more qualified than I am.  We have too many children already.

Really, all of those statements are legitimate and understandable.  With fostering and adoption,  just like with having a biological child, the timing is often hard to get "just right".  It is difficult to plan to be stress free enough, financially secure enough, and have everything just right enough to plan to have a child.  Many a family have been taken by surprise by a pregnancy and while it might not be the right time, they decide that it must be the will of God for this baby to arrive at "such a time as this."

I know.  It's tough for everything to be just right.  I think I might have experienced one of those "just right" days  back in  2002.  Oh yeah, it happened again in 2010. That  is probably stretching it a bit but you get my drift.  A day when all is well with the world comes around all too seldom. Life is full of stress.  I have experienced any number of stresses right in the middle of fostering and adoption.  It would have been easy to say "not now".  The thought  weighs on my mind;  What if everyone says "no"?

What if everyone decides it's not a good time?  What if WE had said we just can't do it right now.

Hmm....what would that look like.  Well, for me, six kids might  still be looking for a permanent home. Or worse yet, having aged out of the system with no home to return to.  Or, some other family might possibly be receiving the blessings that were intended for us.
It is certainly not a decision to be taken lightly.  But, if you think there is ever a perfect time, well, you will think yourself right out of the blessing.

If everyone says no, then thousands of children will go without.  Without the one caring adult in their life to help teach them and let them know that they are loved, their lives will be filled with even more trauma and doubt.
Doubt that they are valuable.
Doubt that they can get a college education.
Doubt that they will have an enjoyable Christmas.
Doubt that they will ever have someone who focuses on them and truly wants to be present to meet their needs.
And sadly, doubt  that God is truly there for them and sees their condition.

But the reality is....He IS there.  He DOES see.  And, he moves in our hearts to see them as well.

Child, we see you.
We see past the frustration and lack of respect.
We see past your protective lies and the hair falling over downcast eyes.
We see the hesitancy to trust and the fear of rejection. 
We see your struggle in school and at times your loneliness on the playground.
We see.
Oh, and one day soon, we will be a spectator as you take your life back.  As you triumph over tragedy.  As you climb out of the black sea of despair.  We will see you then....and we will rejoice.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  Has their ever been a more untrue statement?  Words are likely to make lasting  bruises; ones that have a hard time healing and might even get bigger and blacker  as time passes instead of fading away.

I love words.  I like crafting them, playing games with them, arranging them in a sentence, and using a good supply of them daily.  I try to use my power for good….I really do.  I know what words can do and I’ve experienced  how my words can build someone up.  I’ve seen eyes brighten and  lifted and smiles broaden as I pass along a compliment or take notice of some exceptional quality in someone else.  I’ve seen a step quicken and become lighter from offering a sincere word of praise.

But, my gift comes with a dark side.  I have seen my words bruise the ego of my husband and children.  I’ve seen them wince, as if in pain, as my words splatter on them like a blow to the head.  I know what words can do.  Sticks and stones can break my bones….and words can torture a mind for a lifetime. I still remember the time in high school when a great friend betrayed me with her words.  I remember in 6^th grade when another classmate told me she no longer wanted me around.  I have long since forgiven the offences, but the bruises still hurt.  I also, sadly remember times when my own words were like bullets to people I love and care about.  Oh to have sucked them back in my mouth!!  But, once said, they are there.  They hang there like a lead balloon. 

For most of us, words are tools that bring happiness.  “I love you”.  “You are so important to me”. “Your opinion matters to me”. “I want to spend time with you”.  These are phrases that are communicated to us…both with words and actions.  Sometimes the communication may have a break down, but we quickly repair  it and we go on with our healthy, love -filled relationships. Thousands of loving words are said to me, about me, and from me each day.  Wow.  How uplifting is that? My tank is full.  I’m even full enough that I might even have extra every now and then.

I can’t help but think about the child that has experienced words in a different way than I have.  Maybe they have been pelted far too often with “you are worthless”  or “you are good for nothing”.  Over the years, my slip ups with my words have hurt.  I’m sure people in my life have had to work through the occasional harsh word I’ve unleashed.  But, a child who continually hears the cruelest of messages spoken by people that are supposed to love and support them…..well, it would be hard to endure.

Many children in the foster system have had their fill of bad words.  I’m not talking about cursing, although that can sometimes be true as well.  I’m talking about a steady diet of “you’re not good enough”.  A child removed from their home feels like the world has actually stamped that on their foreheads; a scarlet letter pinned to their chests.

Children need someone to tell them they are good enough. They need that reinforcement, as we all do, that they are okay….that they are indeed worthy and important.  Words make a difference.  I bet you can even recall a teacher or other adult in your childhood who singled you out for doing a good job.  Oh how elated you were to receive that praise!  On the other hand, we can all probably recall the sting of words or phrases that made us feel less than.  Stupid even.

Words are powerful.  They can rage as strong as the fiercest wind or they can softly cool you like a gentle breeze.  They can make your hair stand on end or they can quietly lull you to sleep.  They can tear your stomach to shreds or make you dance with happiness.

Oh to use our power for good!  To put on the superhero cape of conversation!  To soar in the realm of considerate and to rescue the downward head with kindness!  Please, use them wisely.  Bless those around you with your power.  When you do, then my friends, you truly are a superhero. 

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Reasons for fostering or adopting a teenager

My husband and I have fostered and adopted 6 children. They ranged from 10 to 16 as far as their age the day they first came into our home.  Most people find bringing an older child into their home a little intimidating. Should you consider the needs of your family and ages of other children in your home?  Of course!  But, here are a few reasons that teens bless our lives and our homes. 

1.     Teenagers are still in need of a family.

Whether a child is willing to admit it or not, kids want and need a sense of belonging.  In a family, they can find a place to call their own, people who understand them (or at least willing to try) and celebrate them. Teens need someone to be a model of what a healthy family can look like.  Often times, teenagers coming into the foster system have no idea what a healthy family can look like.  It can be mind blowing for the 14 year old to see mom and dad solving a conflict in a peaceful way.  Or even if they get angry, apologies are made and the love and relationship is still in tact.  It is a privilege to show them constructive ways to solve conflict and make decisions.

2.     Teenagers can do many things for themselves. 

 Fostering and adopting a teen can mean a very self-sufficient child.  In my experience, teenagers coming into my home were skilled at self-care.  They knew how to wash their clothes, help prepare a meal, and other useful things.  At our house, everyone pitches in to help with household chores.  Teens are definitely big enough and capable of handling some responsibility.  Of course, like all teenagers, they might have to be cajoled a little but they can learn to be helpful! Also, an older child can easily communicate their thoughts and feeling with you.  Sometimes with a younger child, it is difficult to know what is going on in their little noggins.  An older child has an ability to verbalize their thoughts, stress, and their needs.

3.     Teenagers are still children in need of a home.  

If you think our need to be loved and accepted runs out as we get older, you need to just look in the mirror at your own reflection and your own need to feel loved.  It never leaves us.  All we have to do is go through a drought of some particular need not being met and suddenly we are ever so painfully aware that being loved and accepted and cared about is always going to be a need.  Teenagers might have bigger bodies, but their hearts and minds are still in the fragile, childhood mode with empty tanks needing to be filled up. Having a place to call home is a need most of us take for granted.  Every child deserves a place that they can return to as they get older.  How lonely we would feel if birthdays, Christmas, and other major events in our lives went unnoticed and un-celebrated.  No one should ever feel that alone.

4.     Teenagers need help unpacking their bags.

You are probably thinking, well of course you will help them with their bags!  Yes, help them get clothes and belongings transferred to their own chest of drawers but this "baggage" we are talking about is two fold.  They need help with their literal bags, but what about with the emotional baggage that they are naturally going to have as a result of being taken out of a difficult situation.  Kids need help slowly unpacking those feelings and emotions.  A teen needs help in finding healthy outlets to communicate feelings and emotions which may have long since been packed away. A patient foster parent can be that key!

5.     Teenagers need to know you  want them. 

Let’s face it, most people looking to adopt, and many who are wanting to foster, are looking for a cute little chubby baby.  Teenagers know that the older they get, the less they feel that someone will come through for them.  They are no less valuable than their baby counterpart, but they have had years of neglect or abuse that might have jaded their view of adults. Teenagers need us to step up and show them that there are adults who care about them and are willing to make adjustments and sacrifices for them because they are valued.  If a child reaches eighteen, ages out of the system without any caring adult being there for them, their lives could be further damaged.  One adult willing to be there, even when times are tough, can help set that teenager on the right path where positive, healthy choices are made for their lifetime. 

While fostering or adopting a teen may still give you a reason to draw in a long, deep breath, many of the children in the foster system itself are older and are desperately waiting for a family to step up.  If you are feeling lead to bring a child into your home, why not consider an older child?  Even a....dare I say it?  A TEENAGER!!  

Every wound healed.  Every child a home.

childhelptn.org

Polluted

Polluted.  Just to say the word makes you conjure up scenes of smog hanging low in a crowded city.  It draws up memories of taking trash to the dump and witnessing the mass amounts of garbage piled up like a speckled mountain.  It solicits thoughts of clutter and craziness, of gray skies and dark moods.

I must admit when reading James 1:27, I always stuck to the first part of the verse.  "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress."  I never thought much about the next part of that verse...."and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Polluted.  What in the world was James talking about as it relates to taking care of orphans and of widows?  I think I know.  To be polluted by this world would be to allow the gray, heavy cloud of worldliness to settle over us like a stormy day.  It means changing the "I wants" and trying to mask  them as "I needs".

We all do it....taking something this world thinks we have to have to be happy and just folding it into our own philosophy.  Do any of these sound familiar?

I need to have enough money so that my kids can play travel ball
I need to have a boat
I need to be able to eat out at least 3 times a week
I need a week long vacation to the Bahamas
I need to have my nails done at least once a week
I need
I need
I need

Don't misunderstand me.  None of these things are wrong in and of themselves.  I for one would LOVE to have my nails done every week! And a trip to the Bahamas?  Yes, please. But, what happens when we take our legitimate needs of food, clothing, love, an education, a home, and we clutter those up with all of the things we think we need to be happy.  That is when, as James says, we are polluted by the world.  Stinky, vision altering, can't breath kind of pollution.  I feel asthmatic just thinking about it.

It is certainly not in our nature to fully grasp that it is in giving our life away that we truly find life. You see, when we allow all of these temporary things to step in front of obedience, right then and there, we trade in the "best" and we get "good". We get temporal instead of eternal.  Most of the things we see as "needs" are temporary pleasures.  Here today and forgotten tomorrow.  Truly ridding ourselves (or at least a filtering) of the pollutants introduces us to the one thing that is at the heart of God.....relationships.

Fostering, adoption, and care for widows means a relationship.  The investment is eternal. No earthly toy or treasure can match or take the place of investing in a person.  Whether it is a child wounded from rejection, a teenager bruised from years of abuse, or even an elderly woman who needs a hot meal, pouring in to others  is costly.  Pour out anyway.  Pour out yourself with abandon.  Then, see for yourself the miraculous refilling of your soul. The finding of the life within you that you never really knew you were missing until it was revealed through these precious, and often times broken beings.

Every wound healed, every child a home.

Enough

Enough.  How many times a day do I say this.  Would you like some more coffee?  No thanks, I’ve had enough.  Would you care for seconds?  No thanks. I’m full.  I’ve had enough.  I can honestly say that in my entire life, I have always had “enough”.  Enough food, enough clothing, enough hugs, enough attention, enough of everything.  All of us frankly don’t even think of this in the course of our day.  It’s just understood.  It is, for lack of a better description, our inalienable right. Enough.

That is until we don’t have enough.  If one of those elements went missing…were suddenly absent…well then….THAT would be ALL we could think about.  Our minds would race with how in the world we are going to get that ONE THING.  THAT THING.  THAT ONE THING. THE ONE THING I NEED.  See how obsessive it can become?

I am a mother of nine beautiful kids.  Some are biological, some adopted.  I’ve seen kids who spent their lives with “enough” and I’ve had a bird’s eye view of kids who didn’t. 

If I can be so bold as to take you down the path of “not enough” for a moment.  Perhaps we can peer inside the aching heart.  Feel the pangs of the empty plate.  Understand the lack of physical touch by a loving parent.  Could we dare, just for a moment, imagine a life….well, without.

Our youngest four came in to our home over 5 years ago.  My husband and I were practically empty nesters when God called us to parent yet again.  It is funny to me that God surely “passed over” more qualified people until he came to us.  Older, menopausal (me). Impatient.  Our only true qualification and endearing quality?  Willingness.  We were willing to get messy and peel back the layers of needs from “not enough”. 

 What does “not enough” look like? It looks like a child saying “Mom” at the beginning of the sentence and then, just because you can, tacking it on the end of the sentence as well.  Saying it over and over as if the relief of NOT saying it for years is pouring out by the gallon.  Mom, Mama, Daddy, My mother, Mom, Dad, …over and over you hear it said, called out, attached to anything and everything. 

It is a never ending battle with food.  “Food will be here tomorrow."  “ We don’t have to eat it all right now."  “We will have breakfast now but you will get a snack at ten."  Followed by….whatever time the next meal will be.  That happens everyday….for months or even years.

In every area of life “not enough” displays it’s ugly head.  Every. Single. Day.
School?  Oh yeah….it shows up in grades, behavior, immaturity. 
Relationships?  You bet…it comes out in confusion, attachment problems, lying, people pleasing.

So, perhaps you are with me on this.  Have you had ENOUGH?  ENOUGH of seeing children not being safe.  ENOUGH of children who go without their basic needs being met.  ENOUGH of kids failing and floundering through their education for lack of concern around them. ENOUGH of kids fighting for survival. ENOUGH of children starving for love.  ENOUGH.  I have had ENOUGH.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Moving Over, Making Room

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Over the years, I have been asked many questions about fostering and adoption.  I LOVE to talk about it and consider it an honor to explain, defend, or educate people in this process.  Any interest, even sometimes misguided, is often an opportunity to inform people about the needs of children and how GOD can intervene and interrupt your life in order to provide for his little ones. 

One question that often comes up is, “were you afraid of what it would do to your biological children?” The simple, quick answer is….of course.  As parents, we are always worrying about how our decisions will affect our children.  And of course we sat them all down and discussed it together before we brought any additional children into our home.  It helped that they were on board with our decision but ultimately it was God’s calling on our life that would cause us to respond in obedience.

So here is an honest look at a few ways fostering and adoption contributed to our family:

1. Our kids learned how to make room for someone else.  There was a lot of shuffling rooms and beds each time we brought children in our home.  College kids did not have their “old” room enshrined as they left it when they returned.  Was that a sacrifice for them?  Maybe a little.  But, batch one (our biological kids) learned that there was value, satisfaction, and blessings in making room for others.  It meant at times they had to wait for our attention while we were having a serious discussion with one of the other kids.  It meant that teenage jobs were more essential to provide “fun” than when there were just a few kids. Sharing was just going to have to be the norm.  Had they been asked at the time if they minded their new siblings eating all the Poptarts, cleaning out the cookie jar, or leaving their dirty socks in the living room, they probably would have said “heck yeah!”  But, did they adjust and make room?  Absolutely!!  They moved over, adjusted their seat at the table and said both with their voice and with their actions….. “You matter”. And, “There is room for you here”.
2. It exposed our weaknesses.  There is nothing more humbling than to see your own selfishness on display.  Bringing in more children can often make us vividly aware of our own sins of pride and self-centeredness.  While we all made room, the needs were sometimes great and the ugly, tired of giving, “I want what I want” self would occasionally slither out from its dark cave.  When fostering, the greatest lesson to our kids was to realize it doesn’t have to all be about you…or me.  Of course, with each batch, each set had to learn those lessons.  Regardless of what the country song used to promote, it’s just not all about ME.  In this very self -absorbed, self- promoting, selfie society, this is NOT a bad lesson to learn.
3. We learned obedience.  As I mentioned earlier, an opinion on any family decision might be offered or expressed, but ultimately, God is in control of our family and our obedience to him is more important than our comfort, our activities, and our own desires.  Sometimes authority in general is a hard pill to swallow for children.  Learning to respect and obey those in authority is a lesson that will make life a little easier.  God gives us those people in our lives, those in authority, to help us learn to trust and obey HIM.  Ultimately, when HE leads us to do something, even if it is hard, we can trust that he knows what is best for our life and we respond in obedience. All of our children have seen this modeled…our answer to God’s call in our life is always a resounding “YES”!!! Period.
4. We became more of ourselves.  What do I mean by that?  Well, we were (are) stretched.  We learned to love…unconditionally.  We learned patience….with the kids and with ourselves. I have often said that any problems that I faced  in fostering and adoption were rarely with the kids but with my own self!  Fostering teaches us how to put another’s needs before our own.  It is a perfect picture of how God loves us and pursues us…even in our messiness.  I can not think of anything that teaches us the character of God more than learning to love his children well.

This is good news, friends.  We are better people because we moved over and made room.  We have learned, as a young teacher friend of mine tells her students, that “we can do hard things”.  I believe there are others that can offer this kind of love to a child.  It is a calling, a privilege, and a blessing.  It is the hardest and the very best all wrapped up into one nugget.  It is the heart of God displayed in your hands, your feet, your arms.