"Room in my heart and home" How one single foster mom makes it happen!

Melissa B., in the world's eyes, had it made:

A successful business woman who had a beautiful home of her own.

Vacations every year with friends or family.

 In a way, she was living the high life.

But, Melissa says she always knew there was more to her life and that she was being called to go deeper.  God had often times reminded her of this persistent feeling that she could do more.

One day, after seeing a Public Service Announcement from Childhelp, Melissa said she knew it was time to respond. "I knew I could help", Melissa told me with a confident smile. Childhelp is so glad she took the initiative to make that first call!  Melissa  first began volunteering for Childhelp...helping with foster care events and fundraising.  Then, she became a member of Childhelp's board and used her education and business influence to help make important decisions for the organization.

But, over a year ago, her commitment level took on a whole new meaning.
Melissa, after completing training to become a foster parent, took the plunge and welcomed three little girls into her home.

Change. Wow, did it take place that day! Suddenly this single, independent business woman had three little faces staring up at her and this time her role was "foster mom.".

Another title those of us at Childhelp would give her is "Superwoman"!!

Melissa took all of her business skills and organized tutoring, music classes, dance, and more. She combined that with her nurturing side and in the midst of chaos and trauma, found family...both for herself and the precious kids before her.

Melissa and girls at one of their many fun experiences..being SLIMED!

I asked Melissa what was the best part about this experience.  She replied, "Knowing I am having a positive impact on their lives - seeing them smile and watching them accomplish things!"

Melissa has given the girls experiences that are every child's dream. She has balanced the world of extra-curricular activities like a professional and each child has had an opportunity to learn, grow, and bloom where they have been planted.

When asked what was the most difficult part of this process, Melissa responded that "dealing with outbursts when their trauma was just too much for them to bear could be hurtful". But, she added,  "I've learned  not to take it personally."



Children sometimes lash out when they are stressed from all of things they have been through. Melissa has learned to help them through those vulnerable moments and together, they became family.  Melissa has embraced the girl's birth mom as well. Whether they stay forever, or return to their birth family, Melissa feels that she will always be a part of their lives.  It is clear that a bond has been established by everyone.

I asked Melissa what advice she would give to other single adults thinking about fostering.  "Just do it!", she said. "There is nothing to be afraid of. They are just kids who need love, attention, and opportunities to grow." Melissa added that she has been surprised by the amount of community support available to fostering families.  She said that in addition to the support Childhelp offers, she has found a pool of resources that has been of assistance to her.


Melissa took a chance. She followed her big heart that told her she had more to give. At Childhelp, we know of three very special girls who are glad she did.

Childhelp is so richly blessed by Melissa and other foster parents who continually say to themselves: "we can do more."

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

To learn how you too can become a foster parent, go to childhelptn.org

The School of PLAY

Is there anything more enjoyable than to watch a child totally engaged in playing? Losing themselves in the moment and fully embracing their inner Belle, Peter Pan, or Superman is a pure joy to watch. I confess, though, many times I embrace the watching a little more than the participating. As I get older, I find that my imagination doesn't take me to a wonderland quite as easily as it used to. But, when I do make the effort to jump into their magical world, I once again am amazed at its beauty.

Playing is just so therapeutic. All of us as adults need to go back to the school of play. We somehow allow the seriousness of this adult life to take over and we forget. We forget the excitement we felt when we hid beneath the stairs, holding in our breath as "it" passed us by in an epic game of hide and seek.  It has slipped our minds the endorphins that were released after joining in on a neighborhood game of kickball. We have pushed back the thrill of playing Cinderella to our son's version of Prince Charming. 

In raising children, we are always learning. Certainly after nine children, and with hindsight being 20/20, I have seen things I could have done differently. Here are a few insights that might help you to modify or add to what you might already be doing to connect with your child:

1) DECIDE TO SAY YES MORE OFTEN

 Looking back, I realize that NO was said many times when YES could have just as easily been my answer. "Can you play with me?" was many times met with a "not now" as I was busy making supper. But, could I have let the beans simmer for a few minutes while I threw the ball? Yes. Could I have said, "I would love to play with you right after we eat!" -still allowing me to  say yes while finishing my task? yep.  I think that the few minutes I would have given to fulfilling my child's request would not have been much of a sacrifice but would have meant the world to my child. I realize now that fulfilling their request would not necessarily have take an entire hour, but many times just a few minutes of focused attention through play would have been very satisfying to both of us. Don't get me wrong, I didn't always avoid playing.  But, if I could have "spoiled" my children a little more with a resounding "yes", I wish I would have. Spoiling our children with our undivided attention is really not spoiling at all...it is parenting.

2) KEEP THINGS ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

I would have used playfulness in my discipline. In retrospect, I realize the fallout of an evening came when my attitude and despair went toe to toe with my child's. If I could have met their snarkiness with a little playfulness then we could have gone on to have a lovely evening. A "can you say that again with respect" said with a playful tone would have gone over much better than the 15 minute lecture I delivered and probably  would have produced better results. When I asked my adult children what was a way that parenting could have gone better for them when they were little, without fail, they said they could have done without the lectures. I'm pretty sure they don't remember the eloquent speeches I delivered but rather a "wha, wha, wha ,wha" echoing in their minds. Our messages still need to be relayed but think fewer words. Oh, and if they are delivered in a rhyming rap tune, or as a famous opera singer, even better.

3) PLAYING IS THE PATH TO A CHILD'S HEART

In working in an environment where I am introduced to many children who have been through trauma, I understand more than ever how play is the medicine to help heal their very wounded souls. Not only does it help a child's mood but it also can reveal what is in their heart. A child is more open to revealing more of themselves when they are playing. How often are we successful with "let's sit on this couch and really have a one on one discussion about all that has happened to you". Not very often, I'm sure. But, a child opening up about their Mama having thrown the ball with them when they were three might be the beginning of a very meaningful discussion. Whether a child has experienced trauma or not, play is the key to understanding their heart. If you want to connect with your child's heart, then you best get down on that floor and build the best Lego building you can muster up. Or throw on that wig and get ready to be a damsel in distress. The point is, let your child lead you to their imagination. That will be an education you will not be able to find anywhere else. Lasting connections that are the foundations for a meaningful relationship or made much deeper over a game of chase or leaning over a puzzle together.

There is not enough space to list all of the benefits of play. Playing with our children, and in general still having fun as adults is so important to our happiness and well-being. If you haven't played for a while, consider beginning with a designated "Yes" day where you give yourself permission to say yes to your child's requests. They will have no idea of the deal you've made with yourself but simply believe they have the best parent ever! Or, start with 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time after dinner. Allow your child to lead and follow their example. Child led play is one of the very best ways to see what is on their mind and heart.

Remember, a child doesn't come up and ask you for a few minutes to talk over their heavy heart. They will ask you to play with them. Wise parents will be able to see that play is so much more than rolling a ball for a few minutes. PLAY means CONNECTING!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Battle fatigue

Photo by Jake Lorefice on Unsplash

Fatigue is real.  That bone-tired feeling that floats over you like a dark, lead balloon; A sort of sadness that over shadows you like the sun that never seems to peep out from the gray clouds. Fatigue can make you feel like pulling the flannel blanket back over your head and the fatigue one feels from  parenting battles, even more so. On the frontlines of fostering, the battle can be grueling and lonely at times.


Yesterday was spent with a foster parent who had just completed her first "deployment" as a foster mom. As she bubbled out her experience, her emotions, and her love for the four siblings who had just left her home, my heart was touched.  This sweet mama was worn out. Her words were a mixed bag of emotion- raw emotion of having come from the battlefield.

She definitely had battle fatigue.


That look of...

"They took me for everything I had"

"I'm spent"

"I'm done"

"I got nothin' left"

Oh how I have felt those same feelings! It is a fatigue like no other.
But, the light in her eyes could not be missed.

It was a look of pure delight.

The realization that she had given something to these kids that they so desperately needed was present in her eyes. The feeling of satisfaction that she had done the right thing- given freely of her love and poured into four very empty, deprived vessels was easily observed.

I say, job well done.

This perfectly describes foster care. Freely expending yourself for the sake of another...a child who, despite your own fatigue and lack of self-care, is even more in need than you.

It is a  battle, that is for sure.

It is a juggling act of the most delicate nature- think  ceramic plates in the air, not little soft, foamy balls. This child before me, at no fault of their own, has been deprived of having someone willing to meet their needs. They have been going without for so long and sometimes the mere presence of the fountain (you) has them salivating for water.  The miracle of fostering is that the fountain keeps flowing.

Mending those little ones, wounded from fighting a different kind of battle, is exhausting. Sometimes you feel you are patching them up only to send them back to the front line...all before the wound that you painstakingly wrapped has even quit bleeding. But, we patch anyway. We continue to  mend, love, discipline, feed, and care for these beautiful children.

The truth is... parenting, whether foster or any other kind, if done well, is expending yourself willingly for someone else. It is taking on a responsibility way bigger than what a child can bear.  When I talk with prospective foster families, many times I will hear "I just don't think I can get attached and then let them go."  Usually, I respond with an understanding nod.

It IS difficult. Those who do it don't find it easy. But, for that child's sake, we do it anyway.  As adults, we decide to bear the burden of attachment and possible goodbyes.  We willingly place that weight on our own shoulders so that this little one learns how to attach. And by the way, their little shoulders can't bear that kind of weight. They are children. It is about allowing our hearts to possibly hurt so that their heart can heal.

Thank you, sweet foster parent. Thank you for bearing the scars and fatigue of battle. Thank you for taking on the burdens of others and for enduring; For shouldering a backpack of trauma and marching into battle. You are heroes, plain and simple.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Finding Family - Rathbun Style!

The whole Rathbun gang.

Sometimes in this field of work you fret. After all, these are little people we are dealing with...little people who need love, family and HOMES.  Finding a home and family is a heavy burden to carry and sometimes the wait for permanency is long... too long.  We wonder how everything will all work out and if there is a time where sleep is lost, it is at that point...when we are just not sure.

But then we get a bird's eye view of something spectacular! What a  privilege to watch miracles take place ...sometimes early in the process and sometimes just in time.

Either way, we know God is at work to find families for our little ones.

Such was the case for the Rathbuns.  Ragen and Rob Rathbun had watched their close friends, Laura and James Menard foster children for years.  They had been with them through some tough situations and had seen this couple faithfully love and care for the kids in their home.

Laura and James Menard

Then last year Laura and James took in two children as a temporary placement.  The Rathbuns were faithful to walk along side them as they always had...to help them when needed and offer their support.  But when Laura told Ragen that perhaps they should consider becoming an adoptive home for these two kiddos, it caused Rob and Ragen to pause and consider what this could mean for their family.

More than one person had noticed that the Rathbuns seemed to be the perfect family for this brother and sister.  The similarities between their own biological children, both in looks and personalities, was unmistakable.  Some of the needs that they had faced with their older, biological son were identical to some of the needs of this little eight year old before them. Their feisty 7 year old daughter had taught them how to approach the sweet and sassy 5 year old coming into their home.  It was as if they had already been through the training for these two kids...like the prep work had been done and they had passed with flying colors.

Jackson and Avery

When they began to consider what this could mean, Rob told Ragen that if they were going to do it, they were going to be all in. They weren't going to "try and see" but rather commit to these two as if it were meant to be and truly become their forever family.  They began with a few play dates, then weekends, and after they completed all of their classes to become foster parents, the transition was made. The Rathbuns remember having the children over on Thanksgiving that year so that friends and other family members could meet them...the entire family fell in love.

 Another memory stands out in their minds. Young Jackson prayed every night that God would provide him and little sister, Avery with a forever family. It was a nightly prayer. Ragen and Rob reassured him that his prayers would be answered. Knowing they would be the answer to those heart felt prayers helped them get through the six month waiting period.

When asked what was the most challenging piece of this journey to adoption, the Rathbuns said honestly, that while everything seemed to go so smoothly, the meshing of their biological children with their adopted kids took a little time and some patience. But, after months of living in the same home, Ragen stated that, "they are all truly siblings now. "

The Rathbuns are so quick to give credit to God for having led them to this place. Ragen spoke of adoption as the very thing that God does for us. "He takes us from the pit and chooses us".  The Rathbuns have been so successful at helping their children transition to their forever home. Ragen added, "It has been a wonderful, joyfully difficult season of life that I'm so glad we jumped into. "

Oh sweet family, Childhelp is so glad you jumped in as well! And, the delight on Jackson and Avery's faces says they are thrilled to have found their forever family. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this miracle!

Avery and Jackson (front and left) with their new family.

Jackson getting some snuggles from his grandmother.

Many people joined with the family to celebrate

Jackson's expression says it all!

Case Manager, Shana Leist celebrated as well.

Belonging- the most important ingredient at Thanksgiving

The smell of tradition.

The aroma of family.

The chatter of the familiar.

Perhaps this is so common at your house, you hardly give it a thought. But, if you have children in your home who have come from hard places, they likely will take notice.

Sometimes we take for granted the wonderful smells, experiences, and love that is poured out on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other traditional holidays.

 Aunt Betty always brings her sweet potato casserole.

I always bake the ham.

The kids get the table ready.

Everyone has a part to play and each year,  it is played out in a wonderfully familiar way.  It is like the comfiest of sweaters. The creamiest of hot chocolates. The steamiest of good, rich coffee.

It's comfort.

Whether we realize it or not, traditions make up much of our family experience. Perhaps you have a meal each week where most of your family gathers around to eat together. Maybe you all do a yearly trek to the movie theater  for the latest Star Wars movie. Whatever they may be, we might tend to take them for granted or barely notice them....just living and existing in these glorious rituals that make up our life.

Kids from hard places often are fascinated by our traditions. Much of the comfort that traditions offer might have been left out of their early years and whether they admit it or not, predictable feels pretty good. In my experience, our kids loved family so much, they were anxious to make any new experience a tradition. I began noticing on year two that they were asking for the things that were done in year one. "When are we going to have everyone over like we did last year?" Assumptions were made, even if it was a first time event, that we would do the same thing again the next year. I realized it was providing them predictable, fun, family experiences and we were happy to add a few more to our list.

The yearly trek to IHOP because that was the first restaurant we went to together.

The birthday fire pit parties because "my friends love to do that each year."

The making of the empanadas....a real treat that our kids brought us coming from a Mexican heritage.

The dishes that each child "specializes" in...like Hayley and her pineapple casserole, or Lucas and his amazing mashed potatoes, Aleisha and her decadent coconut cream pie.

Before you know it, our newest family members are an integral part of the tradition. Their contributions are noticed and appreciated and their membership into the family circle is sealed.

"We simply cannot have the dinner without your fruit salad!!"

"The way you cut up those potatoes is so much better than anyone has done it in the past. Whew, I'm glad you are here to take over that job."

"Listening to you read that passage is so meaningful. I'm glad you are here to do it each year."

Belonging.

 If we are honest with ourselves, we all yearn for it. If we move to a new place, we are truly not content until we have found the places...church, school, neighborhoods, where we belong.

So...

As you set out the good plates for Thanksgiving.

As you rake the yard for the annual "turkey bowl" football game that everyone participates in.

As you get out the 1,000 piece puzzle.

As you make your sandwich with the leftover turkey and sit down to watch the Cowboys.

Appreciate that you belong. Take in the familiar and relish in this moment of tradition.

Oh, and brag on the amazing after dinner play that your new family members have created. What a wonderful thing to see repeated for next year!

Belonging...the most important ingredient at any Thanksgiving meal.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Have you hugged a case manger today? It’s National Case Manager's Week!

Case Managers who work with children in foster care have a tough job. At Childhelp, we have some of the best case managers around and we see these selfless saints give of themselves daily. They go above and beyond to do what is best for "their" kids. They are in this field because they want to help and never expect thanks. But just like other public servants, they deserve to be appreciated. Take a moment to thank people you know who serve kids in the foster system. Their jobs are so difficult and when they get off at the end of the day, the stress still lingers on their minds. Childhelp appreciates ALL case managers who daily put kids first.  Thank you!

Here are some of the things we have observed about our  very own case managers:

Walter Ramirez

Walter is our newest case manager and has such a gentle spirit.  He is kind, generous with his time, and has a heart to help children.  In addition to his amazing ability with kids, Walter is great with technology and managing all of the many "input" responsibilities that case managers have. He is quick to tell you that he feels God has called him to help children.  His favorite part about his job is the smiles he gets to witness on the faces of the children he serves. He has been such a delight to have at Childhelp and truly a team member!

Shana Leist

Shana has been a foster parent and understands so well the struggles foster parents face. That is one of the many reasons she is so loved by her families.  Shana truly gives her best to all of the families she serves and many have mentioned that she has become a life-long friend. Our kids adore Shana and it is very evident with their open arms when she enters a room! One of Shana's favorite things about being a case manager is being able to see a child through in the the worst time of their life. Walking beside them and helping them is such a privilege.

Mark Akers

Mark has such great energy and sense of humor!  He always has a song in his heart and his positive outlook on life is contagious. The families he serves see this as well and value the time they spend with him. Mark has such a servant's heart and often goes above and beyond to be helpful. He serves the children, foster parents, and Childhelp with the utmost of selflessness and always does it with a great attitude. Mark is also a talented musician and occasionally blesses us with his advanced, instrument playing skills! It is something to see and hear!

Amanda has a heart for children. She understands with wisdom way beyond her years some of the struggles they face. Amanda truly invests in each of her families and loves "her" kids and advocates for their well being. Amanda brings a great attitude into work everyday.  She is such a great team player and works hard to help others. We are so happy to have Amanda as she gives so much of herself to others! Amanda loves to watch children as they progress in overcoming such traumatic beginnings.
We celebrate those milestones with you, Amanda!

We are so blessed at Childhelp with Case Managers who are dedicating their lives to help kids.  Join us in celebrating them and others in this field who deserve recognition and our sincerest thanks!

Anger Management

Triggers. We all have them.  Little things that will set our blood to boiling. Maybe it is hearing your child whining that sets you off. Maybe it is siblings arguing. Maybe it is the teenage "know-it-all" attitude.

Whatever it is, when it happens, it triggers us and then, well...


We blow up.
We explode.
We say things that we really don't mean.
We over react.

Sound familiar?

All of us are plagued with little time bombs that threaten our sanity. Could it be it is time to take a different approach?  Perhaps we should take a moment and actually define what sets us off and then decide in advance how we are going to behave. We decide to follow a new script. We rehearse this scenario in our minds and in front of the mirror if needed, and we change the way WE react. We can be our own bomb detonators if we want to be. After all, we are the adults in any given situation and it probably will behoove us to act like it!

So when Susie sasses you at the dinner table, the  new script that you already have ready in your mind is "Susie, would you like to say that again with respect?"

Not the old 20 minute lecture.

Not the regular exchange where each of your voices are elevating with every passing second.

Instead, in the end Susie expresses herself with a little less sass. You avoid giving your hearty, intense but meaningful lecture on the way children should talk to their parents, and before you know it, you have moved smoothly to the next topic. I know, I know, you love that lecture. But, your child doesn't and shuts down after a minute anyway. We might as well make the most of that minute!

Deciding in advance how we will handle our triggers will most definitely help us avoid the fall out of overreaction and the angry exchanges that leave us feeling guilty and inadequate. I must admit I tend to be more reactionary than I would like to be. Thinking through things and planning my response is the very best way for me to train myself to respond differently. If I am always reacting in the moment, the bomb is always going to go off. But, if having thought it through in advance, even writing down my response, keeps the bomb squad from showing up in my head, sirens blaring, then I think it is worth a shot.

So here is our new plan of action: (By the way, this plan can work for spouses too)

Decide on what behaviors trigger your anger.

Decide how you will react every time this is said or done.

Practice your response. Write it out. Say it in the mirror.

Then wait for your test!

We can change our behavior! We can decide how we will respond! No more angry outbursts! No more fall outs that actually damage the relationship! And, (you can hear the collective sigh from children everywhere) no more angry lectures.

The truth is, in any relationship, the ONLY person we can control is ourselves. If we are successful at controlling our own reaction to those who want to pull our triggers, then we can have a level of peace we didn't think possible!


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.