The new baby in the room

You are looking down at your lap. You smile.  You laugh a little.  You respond to the cute little thing you are holding...cradling even. It sends you back smiles and cute little laughy faces. It tells you funny stories that causes your belly to hurt from laughter, or it pulls out your emotional side and makes you cry.  It is your baby. Oh, I'm not talking about the chubby cheeked wonder we all know and love. Nope. I'm talking about the sleek iphone XS with a camera to match the professionals and loaded with an app for any mood.

Ouch. The new baby is a phone?  Yep.  I'm afraid so. The loving looks that used to go out to actual people in the room are now being received by none other than Miss Siri...an artificial person who, though useful, doesn't deserve the fondness with which we treat her. She, along with all her artificial friends are stealing our devotion and it just has to stop.

photo by danielkorpai on Unsplash

For the last several years, phone usage has steadily been
rising. People are spending hours a day lovingly looking at this 3"x 6" baby. We are as drawn to it as the worst addict. We treat it special...giving it the ranking, of well, chocolate.  Or even worse, our kids. We are out of our minds!

Let's vow to improve. Can we not give ourselves some boundaries that will keep this baby from taking over our lives? For the sake of looking into our children's beautiful faces, let's try. Here are a few steps:

1) When there are others in the room, phone is not in hand.

Live, warm bodies are infinitely more important than the latest filtered shot of your friend's kid. Looking lovingly into the beautiful blue eyes of the child looking at you is ever so much more interesting. Plus, like it or not, we communicate to our children what we value. No wonder kids want this coveted little creature so much!  We have told them by our actions that it is the most interesting thing in the world! In general, my rule should be: A person walks in the room, my focus is on them. We might be watching a show...but we enjoy it together.  They have something to say, I'm ready to listen with my eyes and ears.  People, whether my spouse, children, or a neighbor,  truly are more important than the image I was so enthralled with just seconds before.

2) We decide how much time we are going to spend on our phone. 

Do we really need to be notified with every  "like" or  message we receive on line?  This magical creature we have in our hands actually has a turn off button.  Or, at the very least, a turn off notification button. Turns out we CAN decide how much time we spend on Facebook and Instagram and if we struggle to make that choice, we can tell our phones to cut it out at a certain time.  Hmmmm...we are in control. Not a bad idea. Here is an extra piece of advise: As parents, we decide how much time our children spend holding their "baby".  These babies do NOT need to go to bed with them.  Your kids, your actual babies, do NOT need to care for it like a hungry child. It is a tool....tools need to be put away and stored. Decide when all phones are to be put onto the charge station...in YOUR room. Get an app that helps children shut down when their time is up.  Whether they tell you this or not, they might even be relieved. Our daughter who is a junior in college has confessed that she misses the days when her phone was left downstairs for the night. Her impulse to stay on it was controlled...and she was actually relieved of the burden of it.
Yes. I said it.
Burden.
Even though we embrace technology and become little app junkies, they are a burden.  Help relieve your children of that heavy weight by supplying,  and enforcing limits.

The child in front of you is more interesting than the image on Facebook

3) Focus on real life.

Believe it or not, interesting things are happening all around you.  Your dog is making an adorable face...tongue lopped to the side and eyes as big as saucers. Your five year old's version of the latest dance craze is hilarious!  And on display...right before your eyes.  Your spouse just gave you the most loving, heart eyes ever.  Did you notice? Or would your prefer the little yellow and red emoji to the real thing on the couch. If we are not careful, we are missing the real life happening all around us. We can ooo and ahhh all we want about the sweet story of  making cookies to hand out to the mailman, or picking up the paper for the elderly lady who just lost her soul mate. The stories are touching. But, we have an opportunity to live those realities out in our own home and on the very street where we live.  Virtual reality is truly not as good as real life. Stop. Look around you. See, smell, touch, and taste the actual meal in front of you.

Whether we like it or not, technology is here to stay. We can allow it to play a helpful role in our lives as a tool, or we can give it full reign. Do you need to do some self-assessing to decide if your screen appears more interesting than the warm bodies around you?

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Hi! I'm your new sister

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

There are so many things to think about when fostering. Do you have enough space to include more kids? Will you be able to manage the demands with your current schedule? Are you and your spouse on the same page in this process of deciding to add to your family? One of the main questions I have heard over the years is "how will this affect my birth kids?". 
That was certainly a concern of mine as well.  My husband and I debated and talked many times about the possible "fallout" for our three birth children when we brought others into the home. We questioned if maybe the stress of it would topple our strong relationship with our teenaged kids.
I suppose we were right to be concerned.  After all, children in foster care are going to come in with some behaviors and beliefs that could potentially rock your world as well as the world of your kiddos.  But, rocking is a little different than turning it over. Rocking means for a time, it might lean one direction or the other. All of our children had melt downs at some point during this change in our household. Initially it felt awkward, clumsy, and a little strange. But, as time passed, the awkwardness turned to friendship and eventually the friendship, to family.

But, in the interest of being prepared, let's explore some ways we can help prepare our kids, whether from birth or adoption, for their new siblings.

1) Always have an attitude of "the more the merrier".  I suppose our kids were not in complete shock the day that we announced we were going to welcome more kids into our home. Our home had always been a safe place for their friends, an occasional stray child who had run away from home, or even a temporary fix for a family in need.  The door had always been open. If from the beginning you are teaching your children that in your family, you make room for others, run toward those in need, and help when you have the power to do so, then the mindset of making adjustments for the new sibs won't rattle their very core.
Often times, children are the ones who lead in this area. In their simple understanding of life, they sometimes are the ones saying out loud "why would we not help her if we are able?".  However, even the one advocating the loudest for others might still have a melt down or two, but the mindset of "life is not all about me" has been established.

2) Consider birth order.  Many times, parents do not want to mess with the "order" in the family. Some parents might desire to let the oldest child still hold proudly their position. While this is not
always how things work out, it is still not a bad rule to follow. Birth order is very important to children and giving up the first born status might turn them away from embracing a new sibling. You know your children better than anyone and whether or not this could be an issue.  A good conversation with your child is the best place to start if they are old enough to truly understand what could take place. Lines of communication should always be kept open and their opinions, even when they are different than what you wanted to hear, should be heard and validated.

Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

3) Let the children already in your home know that they are still very important. No doubt, your attention will be divided as more kids are demanding it. It can be overwhelming and often the squeakiest of wheels is the one who gets your attention. There is nothing wrong with spending time individually with the children already in your home. Find a few minutes to sneak out for some ice cream. Take one child back to your bedroom and shut the door behind you for a good heart to heart. Those pacing on the other side of the door will be there when you finish your conversation. Take the time to give those who have already an established spot at the dinner table a share of your time. The appetite of needs is sometimes insatiable. Like me, children might not be content with the "I'll have just one chocolate kiss" scenerio. They, again like me, want the whole bag!  But, little by little, everyone's tank will be filled and the long line of people waiting to get some piece of your attention will shorten.

Friends, you have done something truly noble by deciding to foster. It is not without it's difficulties and you are likely to have some battle scars. But, you at least came on to the battlefield and started fighting for a child  that a few days, weeks, or months ago, you didn't even know. Thank you. Oh and kids, thank you as well.  By sharing your space with that new sister or brother, you are changing a life.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.