Dear Child in Foster Care

Photo by Amber Kipp on Unsplash

Dear Child in Foster Care:

Your path has been so difficult.  You have been through so much more than you have even let on; more than your case workers know; more than your foster parents know; and more than you are even willing to admit to yourself.  Our hearts go out to you in your pain and distress.

We see your downcast face.

We hear your shaky voice.

We understand the slammed door.

All of it, we get.  But, we want you to know that we are here to help you overcome.  We want you to come to a point one day of seeing yourself as we do...someone who is amazing, unbelievably resilient,  and able to soar above all that has happened up to this point.  We want you to have normal, healthy relationships and we work diligently on that now, so one day, when you are a spouse or parent, you know how that works.  We want you to be able to process real feelings so that you can experience life- the good, the bad, the ugly, the incredible.  We don't want you to stay in the valley of bland when there is a smorgasbord of life just waiting for you. Who wants a steady diet of Krystal gut bombers when there is Fillet Mignon on the menu!  There is so much more, sweet child.

So, if you would like this as well, please hear these suggestions. They are written with love from someone who has seen the pain of  your trauma. Please take a moment and see what is before you; what help and resources are at your fingertips and what characteristics you might need to develop.

1) Be teachable.  

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Up until now, you have not had too many invest in how to navigate this life. The adults in your life have let you down and you might resist trusting even now.  We as your foster or adoptive parents want to help change that.  We want to show you how to have real relationships.  We want to show you how to talk about ideas and dreams rather than people and drama.  We want to guide you to a place where you are able to see those dreams for yourself. We want you to learn to trust.  But, all of us, whether in foster care or not, have to assess our own selves.  We have to take a long look in the mirror of our souls and decide who we want to be.  I'm telling you now, if you are moldable and teachable, life will be open to you in a much easier way.  Lessons will be able to be learned without hardship and disaster.  But, if you ignore wise counsel, you might be destined to repeat what has been your teacher thus far.

2) Take responsibility
As a follow up to number one, take responsibility comes in right behind.  Sure you have had a series of horrible life events, none of which have been your fault.  It is unfair.  But, what happens to you from this point on is really up to you.  You, maybe for the first time in your life, have a chance to change the outcome.  You have people and resources to help you along the way and you don't have to battle for food, shelter and education.  You can focus on the healing that needs to take place and begin to change your story.  The path towards that is to take responsibility. Sometimes, true bravery is taking a look at yourself and rather than defending what is, you work towards what could be.  You are navigating a ship that can go in the direction of love, prosperity, and security.  Or, you can steer that thing right into a hurricane.  It truly is yours to choose.

3) Take advantage of resources
While you might not see the advantage of foster care at first, there are some.  You now have medical insurance provided for you up until you are 20. You have access to therapy to help you overcome your trauma.  Depending on when you came into the system and the age you were at the time of adoption, your entire college education could be free for you.  Sweet child, others only dream of that.  It is a real possibility for you but, again...your ship, your course.  I heard recently of a college student who had $80,000 worth of college debt and the major she chose will provide a job with an income that will literally take YEARS to pay that off.  That won't be your story if you choose to apply yourself in school. Education can change your path completely and it will be offered to you in foster care.  Not a bad perk after all you have been through.

4) You have a story that can help others.
I understand that you might not at this moment feel that you can change someone's life, but in your future, you might do just that.  You have a story that is unique to you.

It is one of terrible fear.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

It is one of survival.

It is one of trauma.

But, it can become...

One of hope.

One of peace.

One of thriving

One of power and self-confidence

One of normalcy

Precious one, we are here  for you.  When we talk to you about life and how to navigate it, we want to help you. We want good things for you and any correction is done out of love for you.

You are forever in our hearts.


Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

What does it mean to "tuck her in"?

Photo by Kyle Nieber on Unsplash

A few years ago a child was taken away from her mother and was in our care at Childhelp.  The mother (I'll call her Sarah) wanted to do everything she could to ensure she would be able to get her child back.  She quickly bonded with the foster mom and thus began the best of all scenarios:  A foster mom teaching the birth mom how to parent; how to show love to her child.

Seems so simple doesn't it?  I mean, those of us who grew up feeling loved and secure so naturally love our kids in that way.  But, knowing how to show love is not a given and sometimes we actually have to teach parents how to show their children love.  What a blessing to walk along side someone who has made horrible choices but owns up to it and is willing to learn.  I can't think of any quality I admire any more in someone than a teachable spirit.

When it came time for the child to have an unsupervised visit in the birth mom's home, Sarah was nervous.  She called the foster mom and asked her how to do it.  She wanted a list of what her child did everyday and what the foster mom did.  She essentially was asking "how do I mother my child?" The foster mom eagerly made her the list.  She included things like "I give her a snack at 10:00 and she really loves bananas and peanut butter".  Or, "we play outside for 30 minutes at 3:30."

The foster mom was surprised to get a call from Sarah about 8:30 that night.

Photo by Alexandre Croussette on Unsplash

Sarah sounded nervous and was anxious about the next item on the list.  "What does it mean to "tuck her in", she asked.  Without judgment, the foster mom explained what it meant to tuck a child in at night.  She calmly taught Sarah how to express love and security through this foreign action called "tucking in".

So much of our own raising is taken for granted.  We often assume everyone knows how to love and that people just naturally know what to do.  Sadly, this is not always the  case.  Many times, parents who were abused or neglected themselves are destined to repeat the abuse apart from an intervention.  Foster care, many times, can be that intervention.  It might possibly be the wake up call a parent needs to change their habits and to finally learn how to love their child.

When I first thought of fostering years ago, this part of the equation intimidated me- this idea of working with birth parents who have done something so bad their children had to be removed.  While sometimes it is necessary for a child to have zero contact with the parents, when contact is allowed, I find myself rooting for that parent to step up.  I see that redemption on all accounts would be the very best scenario.  For this child to not have to question for the rest of her life why her mom or dad didn't do everything in their power to get them back, I think we can all agree, would be best.

So friends, know someone who might need a little assistance in learning to show love?  Are you a foster parent who needs to reach out in compassion to the birth parents of the children in your care?  Are you a birth mom who suffered yourself at the hands of parents who did not know how to show love and now you are repeating what you learned?

We don't escape this life without at some point, crying out for help.  Cry out, dear friends.  There are people who care.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Giving up the crown

Photo by Jared Subia on Unsplash

I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel inadequate.

I'm so irritable.

I goofed up.

I just want to stay in bed.

These are thoughts that probably travel through the mind of any foster mom on any given day and really, parents in general.  If you feel you totally have it together as a mom, then please, I need some lessons.  Parenting is hard when you start from scratch and when you begin your parenting journey with kids at ten and twelve, it sort of feels like you are trying to put together a puzzle.  Except that years ago, two 1,000 piece puzzles fell to the floor at one time and the pieces are all jumbled together.  Yep.  That is how it feels. It can all be sorted out, but it is going to take an awful lot of patience and body cramping poses to get it all done.

So, dear mamas...  Could we all just lay aside any crowns? Fathers who are expecting perfection...could you give yourself a break?   Let's put down any pretense that we have this parenting thing down and let's just be real.  Now, I'm not saying "let's accept our shortcomings and not ever try to improve".  No...I so want to improve!  I'm just tired of pretending I have it all together and would prefer, for a moment, to relax.  I would like to, just for a moment, forgive myself for not being perfect and...well, lay down the crown of perfection.

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

The fact is, to be a good parent, we do NOT have to be perfect.  I'm going to let you in on a secret. 
Studies have shown that if we as parents do the right thing 30% of the time, then we will be considered a successful parent.  That doesn't seem too difficult, right?  I think my odds might even be a little better than that!!

In this little video, it highlights our parental role of caring for our kids.
https://vimeo.com/228134047?from=outro-embed

It ends with this tidbit: "good enough, is, well, good enough!"  We are going to fail from time to time to meet our children's needs and those of us parenting children from hard places know this all too well.  The needs are so great that there is NO WAY to meet them all.  But we continue to get up everyday and do our best.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

We love.
We fail.
We encourage.
We get frustrated.
We hug.
We turn away.

All of it.  But, precious laborers, if we can continue to push ourselves to meet a little bit more of their needs; to respond with kindness MOST of the time today; to say yes to play when our heart was set on watching a show. You get it...we will be fine and so will they.

At Childhelp we have started a new slogan: "Love is all you need."  Now, in reality, we need a little more than just love.  But, it is the beginning of everything we do...love.  If we know how to offer love then we are way up on the scale of good parenting.  Love is most definitely where it all begins.  It is the foundation of everything else.  So, dear friends, relax.  Sweet mama, lay down that crown of perfection.  You are way more than enough...  and good enough is, well....good enough!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.