Why not me?

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A few weeks ago at church we had an opportunity to give a word of testimony about what God is doing in our lives.  It was such a sweet time to hear different people speak about how God is working in them and through them.  I found myself sharing the tremendous blessing of bringing children into our home and the fact that I shutter to think my husband and I could have missed out on that blessing.  What blessings are sitting there waiting on us and we just can't or won't open the door to receive them?

Earlier in my life I felt a call to the mission field.  I responded to that calling after hearing a Missionary from Zimbabwe speak to my church.  I was sixteen at the time.  I don't recall all that she said that day.  I'm supposing there were stories about her life on the field and her work in that African country.  I do, however, remember how she ended her message.  She talked about the need for missionaries to introduce Christ to many who haven't heard, and then she looked straight at the congregation and asked, "why not YOU?"  It was at that moment, I knew God was calling me. Why NOT me, I said to myself. My husband and I had the privilege of responding to that call to the mission field  later in our life and that question still rings in my ears today.  Why not YOU?

I think the same question could be asked of this calling to foster or adopt.  We feel a little tug, we hear about the need, and then we have to ask ourselves, "why not me?" 

Fostering and adoption have become somewhat in the forefront of people's minds these days.  Most of our churches have had someone to adopt or to respond to the call to foster.  Probably many have thought about it.  At least I hope they have.  But the doors to this messy ministry are not swinging with people flying through them.  In this blog, I want to address some of the possible barriers that might be blocking you from responding with a resounding "YES"!

1)  I am financially strapped already.  I can't afford another mouth to feed.  

With fostering, whether you foster through a state agency like DCS or a private agency like Childhelp, you are given a stipend to help provide for the child or children in your home.  When we were blessed with our youngest four, many things changed.  Our electric bill went up.  We had to change vehicles to accommodate so many kids.  There was a never ending line of fees for school and church trips, clothes, shoes, etc... But, with the stipend we received, we were able to take care of all of those needs and more.

2) I don't think I can handle the behavior of a child from such abuse.

Granted, there are perplexing attitudes and behaviors that are displayed when a child has been taken out of an abusive home.  That is why we require a lot of training.  The way to overcome this barrier is education.  How do I respond to a child who refuses to eat....or one who is eating me out of house and home?  You will encounter some behaviors, no doubt.  But what most people don't realize is that the majority of kids in the system, given a safe, loving environment, have fairly "normal" behavior.  Do they have an attitude every now and then? Uh...yes.  Do they say "mom" a gazillion times?  Oh yes.  Are they struggling at times with school, feelings, life?  Absolutely.  We have the privilege of helping a child navigate all of that...to be a life changing influence on that child and their future.  Nothing you do in this life could matter more.

3) I don't think I can handle more than one child.

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Talk to many of us who have fostered and we will tell you, siblings are probably easier than one solo child.  When you bring a sibling group of 2-3 in your home, they come equipped with someone who is their comfort and knows their shared history.  Also, they are coming in with an automatic playmate.  There are things that I'm good at as a mother...I'm funny and I know how to have a great
time dancing through the kitchen.  But, I despise playing Chutes and Ladders.  I don't want to "ride a little horsey" and the expressions I make while "talking" for Barbie might get a little snarky.  It is an area that I might need to grow in, for sure, but a child coming in with a checker's partner already?  Yep...that's a help.

4) I would have a hard time letting a child go back to their birth parents. 

This is one of the most common arguments for not fostering.  I'm going to address this by saying...it is not easy to do.  But, let's consider a couple of things.  First off, the child might not go back at all and be adopted by you or someone else.  Secondly, we are the adults here.  It is our job to teach a child how to attach and to love them and keep them safe.  PERIOD.  If we have a hard time "handling" parts of this process, imagine the difficulty of the child!  We have to handle it ....for their sake!  Don't let how this ministry might make YOU feel determine whether or not you invest in the life of a child.  It really is not about me...or you.   This ministry is 100% about the child.  Let me add another thought to this as well.  What if you were instrumental in helping that child's parents get their life back on track?  What if you established a life-long relationship with this family and walked along side them to teach them how to love and parent their child? Wow...that is redemption displayed in the most beautiful way possible.

5) What would it do to my biological child(ren)?

You might have heard me address this before. My husband and I certainly worried about this before bringing children into our home.  At Childhelp, we would never want you to feel your child is unsafe or be unduly influenced by negative behavior.  But, having 3 biological children, and bringing 6 older kids into our home, I think the overall response from my first batch is very positive.  They learned that this life is not all about them.  They learned to share their mama and daddy and their  "stuff".  They learned forgiveness and compassion. What possible negative can come from that?  They understand the privileges they have had that other children have dreamed about.  They are adults now and all seem to have a passion for fostering and adoption.  The fact that they would run toward this ministry and not away from it is an indication of how they feel. Were there tough times for them?  Oh yes.  But our kids go through tough times with their biological siblings as well.  Problems might be different but the overall lesson here....we have to learn to get along with people in general.  We have to share and love and forgive and encourage and do all of that over and over again.

You will no doubt encounter problems if you say yes to this ministry.  It will be messy and wonderful.  It will take you to your lowest low but also to your highest high.  It is not for the faint of heart.  My friends, I don`t believe God created us for the sidelines.  I don`t think he has so beautifully formed us and equipped us, just to sit and watch life happen.  He created us for a purpose.  Oh, and guess what...  All the children out there?  He created them for a purpose as well.  I for one want to help them find that.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Leggings, Spandex, and long flowy shirts

It's the beginning of January and here I go again.  I'm eating like a maniac because I know the moment of truth is here and I have to start cutting back and once again try to maintain some semblance of good health and nutrition.

When I was younger, there were more obvious signs which pointed towards a cut back.  Jeans for one.  Jeans were a daily reminder of how things were going in the food department.  If you had to lay on your back to shimmy yourself into your denims, well, things weren't going so good.  If you secretly unbuttoned that little metal Levi button to help you breath...yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Those alarms don't exist in today's world.  We have leggings.  We have tunics.  We have what everyone affectionately calls "athletic wear".  What a joke!  The only athlete most of that spandex has seen is our bundled bottom on a well worn track to the refrigerator.  Am I meddling too much?  Sorry, I really am speaking for myself and if you still want to stand by your claim, please, march on.  They are your work out clothes and who am I to say otherwise!

My point is this:  Leggings and all of it's cousins mask what is happening in my body.  They softly embrace my muffin top and give me no reason to feel uncomfortable or alarmed.  Want fries with that?  Go ahead...we got cha covered.  An extra scoop of ice cream?  No problem!  There is room enough to spare here!

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I'm afraid that leggings are not the only things that try to cover over and excuse our comfortable,  over indulgent life style.  There is a whole marshmallow cloud of  comfortable settling in on us even as I write. We absolutely love to be comfortable.  Give me an oversized pair of sweat pants, some fluffy socks, and a soft t-shirt and I'm in heaven.  Throw in a Hallmark movie and a cup of hot
chocolate and....well, life is just plain good.

I like it.  Comfort that is.  But, I'm reminded daily that life is not all about my comfort.  It is so easy to think that it is.  If we are honest, most of our day is spent to bring about the feeling of comfort to our tired, achy bodies and perhaps to our even more achy feelings.  Even last night, I put the timer on my Starbucks coffee brew so that it would be ready for the taking when I got dressed.  Ahh,,,,good hot cup of java to begin my day.  It makes me HaPpy! I won't leave home without it.

So how do we get to a point of self denial.  A point where we make a decision to actually say no to self and yes to something that might not be as "comfortable" but actually might be better for us. The only way I know how to do that is to get to know the person who ultimately showed us what it meant to deny Himself...Jesus.  He is the ultimate example of leaving the comfort and safety of his surroundings and marching towards something that would bring about great suffering for him, but ultimately be the cure for the world.

I want to be like Jesus.  Sure, I'm going to have to fight my nature to please myself....but the point is....I'M GOING TO FIGHT.  I'm going to put on athletic wear, and actually run a race....the one He has set before me.  It will require intense training and long days.  It will actually require me to say a big fat NO to the extras that everyone else seems to have.  It will leave me exhausted at the end of each day and I might lose a few hours of sleep.  But, I will fight this culture of over indulgence that tells me I'm worth the extra food and pampering and turn to the one who says I'm worth it, because of who HE is...not because of my own merit.

Comfort?  Meh...it's over rated.  I'm choosing to march toward a goal that will ultimately produce more than a lean body or a pampered life style.  I want to be more like Jesus.  I want it so bad, I'm willing to chisel away all of the trappings that keep me from seeing it clearly.  I'm throwing out the clutter and I'm pressing on to the prize he has set before me.  I'm in this race...no longer a bystander, standing on the sidelines,  pretending to be an athlete.  I'm in.

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Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

I give UP!

 Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Do you ever feel that way?  I give up!!!  As mothers, we are bombarded with people needing us, asking for something from us, making us look at them (hey, watch this!), and a list a mile long of our jobs as mothers.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes, we might want to give up but we retreat back to our bedroom and rest for a while, then we pack up our weapons, pull on our camouflage  big girl pants, and we go back into battle. Not to make it all sound so grim, but, reality pushes me to be honest.  That is a real feeling we all face and sometimes we feel like saying, or maybe even shouting... "I GIVE UP!", "I SURRENDER!"


Oh how I feel your pain.  Been there all too many times.  But, might I suggest that there are a few things we CAN give up on...and if we do, we might just survive each day a little bit better. Maybe we can do more than survive...is there a chance we might THRIVE??  Read on.

• Give up on being the perfect mom.  We all want to do a good job raising our children.  We strive to give them all that they need and most of what they want.  Sometimes, however, we are going to fail at that.  We are not going to be able to meet all of their needs, wants, and desires, and we are definitely NOT going to be able to prevent them from having a hardship every now and then.  Accept that. Let that sink in for just a moment. 
  
  Grieve for a second or two that you really don't have super powers and then draw in a long deep breath. Now, help your kiddos to learn that while Mama will do her best, she is only one person and little Susie might have to go without that second sport.  Bought cookies might have to be what Tiffany takes to school instead of your "specialty" that all the kids love.  Sometimes we set our expectations of ourselves so high, we feel we are constantly failing in this limbo of life.  We feel we keep knocking that bar off and then feelings of failure kick in.  Fellow mamas, relax.  You can't do it all and by the way...stop looking at that Mama who seems to be able to.  She might have the organizational skills to handle her load but her tank will soon have a leak as well and her limbo bar might have to be lowered eventually.  
• Give up on needing your own way.  When you have multiple kids, somebody better be in charge and most of the time it falls on us.  Not to disparage the role daddy plays in this...they are awesome at so many things, but running the house?  Usually Mama.  There are a few things that I have just plain had to let go.  For example, my teenage sons now wear shorts...year round...even when temperatures have dropped the night before into the twenties.  I used to make them go back up to their room and change  with a shout of "people are going to think ...what kind of mother would let you go out like that!!".  Meh...this kind. I mean, do brief periods of being cold really cause sickness?  I think not.  So, go on...knock yourself out.  If you get cold...well then, you get cold.  I am dusting off my hands even as I write.  Done.  Not my worry.  You see, everything really doesn't have to be MY way.  Sometimes as parents, we make a compromise.  We say...in this, you can have your way.  We let them take the lead, we give up a little of our own desire and we say in words and actions...I respect you enough to let you choose this.
• Give up on doing everything for them.  When our kids are small, there is an awful lot that falls on us as moms.  We have to do so much for them and sometimes we forget to let go of the reins a little bit.  Children are much more capable than we think.  When our youngest four came into our home, their ages ranged from 10-15.  I felt absolutely over whelmed  and swallowed up with the ever increasing laundry demand.  Solution:  Everyone did their own!!  Even the ten year old

  

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  could learn to operate the washer and dryer and manage his own laundry.  No one was harmed by this added chore on them and I was relieved.  The sacrifice for me is occasionally realizing one of them smells sour or has worn the same outfit for a couple of days.  But, the advantage is kids growing up, leaving home  knowing how to manage their clothes and hopefully a little more about managing their life.  News flash: kids can also cook, vacuum, make beds, wash sheets, fold towels, and take out trash.  In this house, living here requires you to do chores.  So far, no one has keeled over from this rule.

Perhaps I'm not the only one who would actually like to be an empty nester one day.  Am I alone in my thinking that preparing kids to be independent is anything but absolutely wonderful?  I know, some of us find our self -worth in the care giving role. Not me.  Oh believe me, with nine children, I dish out the care.  But, I would very much like for ALL of them to embrace adulthood and all of the responsibility that comes with it.  As far as I'm concerned, they are adults in training.  And, in this family, we started that training with a Tide Pod and a vacuum cleaner.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.