"Marriaging" while Parenting

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One of the hardest things we have to do as adults is balance out all of the people who need us each day.  It makes me tired just thinking about meeting the needs of the many people who want some answer, some discussion, some PART of me.  My time.  My energy.

It's not an easy balance to strike and one that will get way off kilter if not purposely put back on track.  But, the first thing we have to do is actually recognize what is the priority.  Who gets the first fruits of my time and attention?  My answer might surprise you.



Children are going to naturally control a good bit of our time.  We are their providers after all and we have to prepare meals, bathe little ones, and do all sorts of day to day tasks.  Of course, even more when they are small but having raised nine children, the demand is really not lessened as they get older.  The problems are just different and often more complicated.

Now, how in the world do we"marriage" while doing all of those many things??  We work at it...daily.  I can tell you that every one of our kids knows that we are each other's priority.  It is rare that a child sits in between us at a movie or any other event and that "spot" is a metaphor of how we present to our children our relationship.    We claim that spot...together.  You are responsible for setting the tone of your relationship with each other and with your kids.  Kids will follow your lead...and hopefully, through you, learn how to make their marriage a priority too.  Here are a few ways to keep the main thing, the main thing.

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1) Date your mate.  Even after parenting (and still parenting) nine children, we continue to date.  We MAKE time for this and covet the moments we spend alone.  We eat out, go to a movie, go to the mountains that surround us and take in it's beauty.  We occasionally plan a couple of nights away and
really focus on each other.  Every parent needs this but if you are parenting kids from hard places, then the drain on you might have quadrupled.  It might take a little finagling, but make this a priority.  Ultimately your kids will be better off if mama and daddy are happy with each other.



2) Leave some energy for the end of the day.  If kids rule the way the evening goes, then you are almost always going to be used up by the end of it.  Since bringing our last four into our home, we had an "everyone off the floor at 9:00 PM" rule.  They might not have gone to bed, but we were done answering questions and responding to needs after nine.  This was our time.  We would watch a show, talk, or just relax and settle down from the day.  Our kids respected this. Not that we never made exceptions for children who were sick or needed to talk something out... we did.  But we also didn't apologize for needing it and they had to occasionally be reminded that their time was up for the day.  They might not have liked it at the moment, but again, my husband and I would better meet their needs tomorrow if we had time to refill our needs that night.

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3)  Let the marriage bed be the marriage bed.  I know that there are times when it is easier to let a child come wrap up in between Mama and Daddy.  But, a steady diet of that and before you know it, little miss priss has made a permanent indention in her place on your bed.  Children are greedy little creatures and their needs are paramount in their minds.  Helping them see that while you are there to meet their needs, Mama and Daddy have needs of their own.  A child who plops down ready to watch the nightly news with Mama and Daddy is going to steadily take over if allowed. The marriage bed should be a place of refuge and intimacy.  If those things are lacking, I'm willing to bet the whole marriage is suffering.

Making your marriage a priority is a choice.  Vow to take small steps to adjust and alter things that might be falling by the wayside.  Ultimately a healthy marriage is best for your children as well.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Somebody do SOMETHING!

Oh how I wish I could meet "Somebody".  They must be awesome!  So generous and kind and looking out for others who might need their help. Somebody really steps up when there is a problem.  Somebody makes great sacrifices for others.  Thank you, Somebody.



We have all been guilty of this...waiting for Somebody to show up.  Hoping they will come riding in on their white horse, strong muscles, hair blowing in the wind, and ready to save the day.  That is such a nice dream, but it is just that...a dream.  Somebody is in all of us.




Somebody is a 49 year old, slightly overweight, hair graying, menopausal woman along with her even older husband.

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Somebody is a 38 year old single woman who feels they have love to give.

Somebody is a couple who are empty nesters who are slowing down and eat out every night.

Somebody is a 26 year old couple who loves their dog and is still trying to figure out life.

ALL of us are capable of being the SOMEBODY we dream about.

When it comes to providing for children, there is a "somebody" in all of us.  If not a somebody, then at least a something.  

Children are the most vulnerable population in our society.  If we as adults don't step up and provide for their needs, they go without.  Plain and simple.  I'm not talking about the "need" for a trip to Disney.  I'm talking about the basics.
Food.
Clothing.
Education.
Hugs and kisses.
Those are all things that have to be provided by the adults in our society.  We freely give them to our children.

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But, many times we wait for "Somebody" to step up and do all the giving.  After all, I have enough on my plate and don't really have the time or desire to invest in anything else.  Can I challenge that thinking for a moment?  If literally one family from every church decided to foster a child...our problems would be solved.  Then, if within that church body, a group  of individuals decide to walk beside that family and help them be successful with that child, then SOMEBODY will have finally arrived on the scene.  SOMEBODY will be there for the innocent child. SOMEBODY will be meeting the needs of the child, and SOMEBODY  will be helping the family with those needs by doing someTHINGS.

Somebody, we are looking for you.  Please, Somebody, say yes to a child.  And if you absolutely cannot say yes, Somebody, then will you at least do something.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Playing your way to better behavior - Ways to avoid the fight

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I'm confessing to you today that I'm not a big sports fan.  I align myself with a team and root for them mainly because that is what my husband does.  When I watch sports, I am often puzzled by the behavior I see. I see coaches that preach discipline and self-control be very OUT of control.  The very people that are demanding discipline from their players are the ones who seem to need the help themselves.  Forgive me.  I know many are saying to me right now..."they are just passionate!" Yeah...yeah....I get it.  Passionate.

But, before I judge too harshly, I really have to take a long look in the mirror.  Sometimes what I am expecting as a parent is something I am struggling to deliver myself.   I did always find it difficult to teach the lesson of "not hitting your sister" while I was swatting a little brother's bottom.  And, I will be hard pressed to demand that  my teenage kids "get along better" when I am battling irritability myself. Being the example is tough!  We know as parents that we are far from perfect, but setting the example is what we are called to do.  If we keep things in the area of "play" then we might find we are teaching without having to join in a battle.  Here are a few ways to teach your children through lightheartedness and play:

1) Want to try that again with respect?  I am a huge fan of Trust Based Relational Intervention and a fan of  one of the researchers, Dr. Karyn Purvis.  This is a phrase she often uses when a child comes back with a response laced with attitude.  She gives a playful smile and simply gives the child another chance. No anger.  No hair on end...just a chance to try again.  Another way Dr. Purvis responds to a child who refuses to do what they have been asked to do is to say "If you are looking for a compromise, you might want to try asking again with respect." Then, the child can calmly say, "would you please allow me to finish the last 5 minutes of this show before I clean my room?"  You are teaching the child that they can occasionally have it their way but they have to learn to vocalize their wishes in a respectful way.  Sometimes we might not be able to meet their compromise but many, many times, we can give them a voice and meet their needs...all the while getting what we want as well.  

2) Dancing around homework. I don't know about your family, but homework in ours always seemed to bring out the nasty in our personalities.  I loathed it as a parent and I'm pretty sure my kids picked up on that.  Subtlety is not my strong suit.  Had I approached it with a little more "fun" mixed in, we might have avoided the crying fest that took place 30 minutes into it. (Both from the child and from me)  Why not have sour candy ready to be snacked on while doing homework?  The sourness can spur the mind and keep the energy a little higher.  How about a dance party every 10 minutes?  If the child is able to get up and dance like there's no tomorrow  every few minutes, they will be more equipped to sit and focus again.  You will see a little energy used up and some good endorphins flowing in the brain.  The best part is mom or dad dancing with them.  Music energizes us.  I used to think that my kids surely were lying to me about being able to focus more with music playing but I've come to realize that it likely is a calming factor for them.  Parents, this seems like such a simple thing to do.  And, I'm writing this as if it is for the child's benefit.  But, we are in need of a dose of something to squelch our frustrations too.  Doing a rendition of our old friend, M.C. Hammer might be just the thing to get us back on track as well.

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3) Major on the majors.  If there is a way to literally beat a dead horse, I'm on it.  I wouldn't be a blogger if I didn't just LOVE words.  I like to use them, craft them, and bless others with my long prose.  Yeah....blessing might be stretching it. I hate throwing away my 3 point sermon on "how to clean the bathroom floor".  I love that message.  But, there is absolutely nothing wrong with picking your battles and leaving some on the cutting room floor. .  Lighthearted interaction that doesn't pull you into the grey cloud of irritability is the path around the fight. Your child comes home from school in a grumpy mood... Simply acknowledge  that the day didn't go as well as your child had hoped.  "Awe honey, I'm sorry you had a rough day.  Why don't you have a little snack and go relax on the porch swing a little." The point is, by offering sympathy for the struggle rather than not allowing the child to have the feelings in the first place allows the child to feel heard.  Ignore the slight eye roll and the less than chipper responses. We all have bad days.  My mood will not be made better simply because someone told me I shouldn't have the sour mood.  But, someone sympathizing with what lead me down this path, offering a little chocolate and a time to regroup?  Yep...I'll be well on my way to a return to sanity. 

As with most things, the behavior has to be decided on before the moment arises.  We as parents have to decide that this is the way we will react when little Tommy does this.  Many a mornings my husband and I have pinky promised on this point.  It's like a football huddle.  Ok, so when Junior does this, here is what we will do... We feel ready and able then to be more playful with our response having planned it out a little beforehand.  Probably not a good idea to solely rely on the "me" in the moment. But, thankfully. when I mess up, I am often offered forgiveness and a "redo" from my family. The old hymn was right..grace truly is amazing. 

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.