A Home for Christmas

Christmas at the Holmes home

Most of us take for granted a home.  It is a given for many of us.  Your cozy bed that you climb into each night.  Your favorite blanket. The holiday traditions.  Your place on the couch beside your sweet dog or cat.  The smells of familiar.  All of it we enjoy each and every day and really, while it might be something that is just "there" for many of us, we need to take a few moments and relish in the blessing of it all.  It is certainly not a given for everyone.  A home should be something that is the norm, the status quo,  but sadly for all of our children, it is not.
Recently, a reporter came to do a story on our family.  She was doing  a little "feel good" segment for Christmas and wanted to know more about our family.  If you recall, my husband and I have 9 children, six of whom we fostered and adopted.  The sweet reporter took time to interview each of us.  We all tried to give the one being interviewed some space so as not to exacerbate the nerves we were all feeling, so we huddled together in the kitchen and listened
as the one on the "hot seat" was interviewed in the next room.

I heard our daughter, Hayley, be interviewed.  Hayley is a sophomore in college.  She came into our home at the age of 14 along with her siblings.  They embraced us  from day one and have honestly been "our kids" since the moment they walked into our lives  five and a half years ago.  But, the reminder of how important a home is came through Hayley that morning as she was interviewed. The reporter asked her what being adopted into our family meant to her and she confidently answered, "I have a home!" She continued,  "Friends at school wonder why I love coming home so much and it is because  I have a home!" Hayley's voice cracked as she said it and honestly, tears come to my eyes every time I think of her response...  I have a home!!

Hayley and I

This simple yet profound gift, a gift most of us unknowingly take  for granted, was paramount in this child's heart and mind.  We miss the treasure that a family and home really is.  As she poured out her excitement, I could hear the relief in her voice.  I could feel the sigh of satisfaction that having a home gives you.

She doesn't have to sit outside a Weigel's ever again and wait for the next move to who knows where.

She doesn't have to wonder where food will come from.

She doesn't have to wear the same clothes everyday.

She doesn't have to fear abuse, neglect, or strangers showing up at her door.

The police won't need to be called.

The bed has warm covers on it.

The pantry is stocked.

All of the things that she has come to know in a home are in place.  Relief.  Rest. Comfort.  Peace.  Safety.  All are there for the taking...to even learn to take for granted.

Oh friends, take a moment to appreciate the home you have before you. Look around and soak in the smells, sounds, and comfort of the familiar.  Go ahead.  Take a deep breath and soak it all in and maybe even say out loud "I have a HOME!". My prayer this season is that every child knows that blessing; the blessing of a loving, forever  home. It is a gift.  A gift one sophomore in college knows isn't a given.  Learn from her, dear friends.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Our youngest four shortly after moving into their forever home.

"Marriaging" while Parenting

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One of the hardest things we have to do as adults is balance out all of the people who need us each day.  It makes me tired just thinking about meeting the needs of the many people who want some answer, some discussion, some PART of me.  My time.  My energy.

It's not an easy balance to strike and one that will get way off kilter if not purposely put back on track.  But, the first thing we have to do is actually recognize what is the priority.  Who gets the first fruits of my time and attention?  My answer might surprise you.



Children are going to naturally control a good bit of our time.  We are their providers after all and we have to prepare meals, bathe little ones, and do all sorts of day to day tasks.  Of course, even more when they are small but having raised nine children, the demand is really not lessened as they get older.  The problems are just different and often more complicated.

Now, how in the world do we"marriage" while doing all of those many things??  We work at it...daily.  I can tell you that every one of our kids knows that we are each other's priority.  It is rare that a child sits in between us at a movie or any other event and that "spot" is a metaphor of how we present to our children our relationship.    We claim that spot...together.  You are responsible for setting the tone of your relationship with each other and with your kids.  Kids will follow your lead...and hopefully, through you, learn how to make their marriage a priority too.  Here are a few ways to keep the main thing, the main thing.

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1) Date your mate.  Even after parenting (and still parenting) nine children, we continue to date.  We MAKE time for this and covet the moments we spend alone.  We eat out, go to a movie, go to the mountains that surround us and take in it's beauty.  We occasionally plan a couple of nights away and
really focus on each other.  Every parent needs this but if you are parenting kids from hard places, then the drain on you might have quadrupled.  It might take a little finagling, but make this a priority.  Ultimately your kids will be better off if mama and daddy are happy with each other.



2) Leave some energy for the end of the day.  If kids rule the way the evening goes, then you are almost always going to be used up by the end of it.  Since bringing our last four into our home, we had an "everyone off the floor at 9:00 PM" rule.  They might not have gone to bed, but we were done answering questions and responding to needs after nine.  This was our time.  We would watch a show, talk, or just relax and settle down from the day.  Our kids respected this. Not that we never made exceptions for children who were sick or needed to talk something out... we did.  But we also didn't apologize for needing it and they had to occasionally be reminded that their time was up for the day.  They might not have liked it at the moment, but again, my husband and I would better meet their needs tomorrow if we had time to refill our needs that night.

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3)  Let the marriage bed be the marriage bed.  I know that there are times when it is easier to let a child come wrap up in between Mama and Daddy.  But, a steady diet of that and before you know it, little miss priss has made a permanent indention in her place on your bed.  Children are greedy little creatures and their needs are paramount in their minds.  Helping them see that while you are there to meet their needs, Mama and Daddy have needs of their own.  A child who plops down ready to watch the nightly news with Mama and Daddy is going to steadily take over if allowed. The marriage bed should be a place of refuge and intimacy.  If those things are lacking, I'm willing to bet the whole marriage is suffering.

Making your marriage a priority is a choice.  Vow to take small steps to adjust and alter things that might be falling by the wayside.  Ultimately a healthy marriage is best for your children as well.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Somebody do SOMETHING!

Oh how I wish I could meet "Somebody".  They must be awesome!  So generous and kind and looking out for others who might need their help. Somebody really steps up when there is a problem.  Somebody makes great sacrifices for others.  Thank you, Somebody.



We have all been guilty of this...waiting for Somebody to show up.  Hoping they will come riding in on their white horse, strong muscles, hair blowing in the wind, and ready to save the day.  That is such a nice dream, but it is just that...a dream.  Somebody is in all of us.




Somebody is a 49 year old, slightly overweight, hair graying, menopausal woman along with her even older husband.

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Somebody is a 38 year old single woman who feels they have love to give.

Somebody is a couple who are empty nesters who are slowing down and eat out every night.

Somebody is a 26 year old couple who loves their dog and is still trying to figure out life.

ALL of us are capable of being the SOMEBODY we dream about.

When it comes to providing for children, there is a "somebody" in all of us.  If not a somebody, then at least a something.  

Children are the most vulnerable population in our society.  If we as adults don't step up and provide for their needs, they go without.  Plain and simple.  I'm not talking about the "need" for a trip to Disney.  I'm talking about the basics.
Food.
Clothing.
Education.
Hugs and kisses.
Those are all things that have to be provided by the adults in our society.  We freely give them to our children.

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But, many times we wait for "Somebody" to step up and do all the giving.  After all, I have enough on my plate and don't really have the time or desire to invest in anything else.  Can I challenge that thinking for a moment?  If literally one family from every church decided to foster a child...our problems would be solved.  Then, if within that church body, a group  of individuals decide to walk beside that family and help them be successful with that child, then SOMEBODY will have finally arrived on the scene.  SOMEBODY will be there for the innocent child. SOMEBODY will be meeting the needs of the child, and SOMEBODY  will be helping the family with those needs by doing someTHINGS.

Somebody, we are looking for you.  Please, Somebody, say yes to a child.  And if you absolutely cannot say yes, Somebody, then will you at least do something.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Playing your way to better behavior - Ways to avoid the fight

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I'm confessing to you today that I'm not a big sports fan.  I align myself with a team and root for them mainly because that is what my husband does.  When I watch sports, I am often puzzled by the behavior I see. I see coaches that preach discipline and self-control be very OUT of control.  The very people that are demanding discipline from their players are the ones who seem to need the help themselves.  Forgive me.  I know many are saying to me right now..."they are just passionate!" Yeah...yeah....I get it.  Passionate.

But, before I judge too harshly, I really have to take a long look in the mirror.  Sometimes what I am expecting as a parent is something I am struggling to deliver myself.   I did always find it difficult to teach the lesson of "not hitting your sister" while I was swatting a little brother's bottom.  And, I will be hard pressed to demand that  my teenage kids "get along better" when I am battling irritability myself. Being the example is tough!  We know as parents that we are far from perfect, but setting the example is what we are called to do.  If we keep things in the area of "play" then we might find we are teaching without having to join in a battle.  Here are a few ways to teach your children through lightheartedness and play:

1) Want to try that again with respect?  I am a huge fan of Trust Based Relational Intervention and a fan of  one of the researchers, Dr. Karyn Purvis.  This is a phrase she often uses when a child comes back with a response laced with attitude.  She gives a playful smile and simply gives the child another chance. No anger.  No hair on end...just a chance to try again.  Another way Dr. Purvis responds to a child who refuses to do what they have been asked to do is to say "If you are looking for a compromise, you might want to try asking again with respect." Then, the child can calmly say, "would you please allow me to finish the last 5 minutes of this show before I clean my room?"  You are teaching the child that they can occasionally have it their way but they have to learn to vocalize their wishes in a respectful way.  Sometimes we might not be able to meet their compromise but many, many times, we can give them a voice and meet their needs...all the while getting what we want as well.  

2) Dancing around homework. I don't know about your family, but homework in ours always seemed to bring out the nasty in our personalities.  I loathed it as a parent and I'm pretty sure my kids picked up on that.  Subtlety is not my strong suit.  Had I approached it with a little more "fun" mixed in, we might have avoided the crying fest that took place 30 minutes into it. (Both from the child and from me)  Why not have sour candy ready to be snacked on while doing homework?  The sourness can spur the mind and keep the energy a little higher.  How about a dance party every 10 minutes?  If the child is able to get up and dance like there's no tomorrow  every few minutes, they will be more equipped to sit and focus again.  You will see a little energy used up and some good endorphins flowing in the brain.  The best part is mom or dad dancing with them.  Music energizes us.  I used to think that my kids surely were lying to me about being able to focus more with music playing but I've come to realize that it likely is a calming factor for them.  Parents, this seems like such a simple thing to do.  And, I'm writing this as if it is for the child's benefit.  But, we are in need of a dose of something to squelch our frustrations too.  Doing a rendition of our old friend, M.C. Hammer might be just the thing to get us back on track as well.

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3) Major on the majors.  If there is a way to literally beat a dead horse, I'm on it.  I wouldn't be a blogger if I didn't just LOVE words.  I like to use them, craft them, and bless others with my long prose.  Yeah....blessing might be stretching it. I hate throwing away my 3 point sermon on "how to clean the bathroom floor".  I love that message.  But, there is absolutely nothing wrong with picking your battles and leaving some on the cutting room floor. .  Lighthearted interaction that doesn't pull you into the grey cloud of irritability is the path around the fight. Your child comes home from school in a grumpy mood... Simply acknowledge  that the day didn't go as well as your child had hoped.  "Awe honey, I'm sorry you had a rough day.  Why don't you have a little snack and go relax on the porch swing a little." The point is, by offering sympathy for the struggle rather than not allowing the child to have the feelings in the first place allows the child to feel heard.  Ignore the slight eye roll and the less than chipper responses. We all have bad days.  My mood will not be made better simply because someone told me I shouldn't have the sour mood.  But, someone sympathizing with what lead me down this path, offering a little chocolate and a time to regroup?  Yep...I'll be well on my way to a return to sanity. 

As with most things, the behavior has to be decided on before the moment arises.  We as parents have to decide that this is the way we will react when little Tommy does this.  Many a mornings my husband and I have pinky promised on this point.  It's like a football huddle.  Ok, so when Junior does this, here is what we will do... We feel ready and able then to be more playful with our response having planned it out a little beforehand.  Probably not a good idea to solely rely on the "me" in the moment. But, thankfully. when I mess up, I am often offered forgiveness and a "redo" from my family. The old hymn was right..grace truly is amazing. 

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

My eyes, My eyes! Reasons we look away

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This has always been a phrase we use in our family when we can't "unsee" something.  MY EYES, MY EYES!!  It is said in good humor...usually after we have seen someone run through in a bath towel or walked in on someone accidentally.   There might be a variation involving "yikes" or OHHH, or some other exclamation of surprise when we are forced to get a glance of something shocking....I produce that sort of response just from my bedhead alone!

There is a great problem that I just can't "unsee".  It is shocking and ugly and I want to shout "MY EYES, MY EYES"!! I've already taken a look now, though.  I turned my head and stared. No turning back. My awareness is forever set.  I cannot look away.  I guess if you have read my blogs before or know me personally, you know this "thing" of which I speak.  Kids.  I can't turn away.  Nope.  Just keep looking.  Watching.  Crying.


I've thought of a few possible reasons we  might choose to  look the other way:


1) We look away because we don't want to know.  Ignorance is truly bliss.  If we don't know that there are thousands of children who enter the foster  system who are victims of horrendous crimes against them, then, well, we don't feel the need to help.  If as pastors and community leaders, we don't mention the problem, then maybe it will go away, or maybe there will be no expectation on us to make a difference.  Let's not mention it.  It makes people feel uncomfortable.  People are over burdened as it is, so let's not make it worse.

2) We look away because we feel helpless.  The problem is so insurmountable, we can't possibly make a difference.  It certainly feels that way sometime.  I guarantee those who work in the foster care field most definitely will feel that way on a daily basis.  It is a helpless feeling to see such great need and to know your time, resources, people, energy, and power to help are all limited.  Why is the turn over so great among case workers who work within the system to help children?  This.  They start out with a desire to help children and after a while, the daily grind of NOT being able to meet their needs wears on their very being and they decide they too have to look away.  Or at least pretend they didn't see.

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3) We look away because we are broken ourselves.  Hurting people, hurt people.  Heard that before?  It's true.   All of us have baggage;  things that we need to work through, forgive...heal.  Those  who have been hurt by others might have a hard time helping someone else heal. We have to work on healing and patching our own wounds so that we will be able to bandage up the wounds of others.  Hard to pour anything out from a vessel full of holes.

4) We look away because we are too busy looking at ourselves.  Oh how I would love to "nice" this up a bit.  I hate pointing out the negatives of our culture and would so prefer to relish in what we are doing RIGHT.  But, for the sake of kids, I'm going to put this out there.  We are a selfie generation.  It is hard to point the camera lens at other things when it is always zoomed at ourselves.  Hard to broaden the scope of what we see as our own family's needs to include others.

Looking into the lens of the camera and choosing to turn it towards those in need takes courage.  Really seeing the real picture and choosing to not look away takes strength.  I am surrounded by
people who have chosen to look.
To stare into the face of children and NOT turn their backs.
To glare back at the insurmountable problem and while, still feeling incredibly overwhelmed, trust that there has to be a way to make a difference.
To look and to care.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Re-writing your story

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I am old enough to remember typing on a typewriter.  Back then, we used whiteout and had to erase or cover up our mistakes and then retype. I can still hear the sound it would make as I would pull the paper up enough to correct the typo, and then the clicking sound as I would wind it back around to begin typing again. Technology has made this process so easy.  Not sure any of our younger people can fully appreciate how easy it is to just make corrections!

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Wouldn't it be nice if we could do life "redo's" just as easily?  Wow...make a horrible choice, hit back arrow, and BAM!  It's gone.  That would be amazing!  But, as we all know, it is not that easy.  My pastor says often that "everybody has a story."  And, we do. We all have a story to tell and our lives are all pages in a book featuring each of us as the main character.  Parts of our "books" are boring, some pages suspenseful, throw in some drama, a love story....we all have the makings of a wonderful story! 

While we all have our own story, much of it has yet to be written.  There is still a lot to be determined about how the rest of the story will go. Many of the children we serve have had an opportunity to rewrite their stories.  I absolutely love hearing my children, who have come from hard places, talk about the possibilities for their future.  There was a time when they didn't see much for their futures.  Bringing them out of an abusive, neglectful home has given them hope!  They now get to see a future that is bright, full of happiness, and possibilities!!

Your story is not fully written either.  Many reading this have probably thought about fostering or adoption at one time or another.  You have dreamed of making a difference in the life of a child. Good news: It's not too late! Fulfilling that dream, re-writing how your story goes as well as how a child's story turns out can still happen.  In fact, it has to happen.

So much depends on our response to this.  It is easy to never look back on the "what could have been" scenarios.  You don't respond, you really don't know what you miss.  But, I see it now from both sides.  I see all of the HUGE blessings I would have missed out on if my husband and I had ignored this call.  I see all of the personal growth and tremendous faith I would not have obtained.  I see all of the giving and unselfish living that my biological kids might not have learned.
I see
hope,
dreams, 
integrity, 
educations,
healthy relationships,
careers,
LIVING,
all happening in the lives of the kids we adopted through foster care and I just shake my head.  How could I have not been witness to this?  How could I not give thanks everyday for the Lord allowing us to be a part of something so much greater than ourselves?

Your story is yours. You can decide what goes on each page. So far your book has pages filled with raising biological kids, taking vacations, watching a new Netflix series, and eating out (oh the eating out!!). This story can absolutely continue with the plot that you have set in place.  Or,  enjoy all of that while changing someone's life.  How will you end your book?  What changes need to be made to the script?

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Oh friends, I implore you, write a new chapter!  

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Walk this way

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I remember as a child walking behind someone and imitating every move they made.  If they jumped three times, so did I.  If they took four leaps, I took four leaps as well.  It was so much fun trying to duplicate their every move.

Life is not so far off from this little game of "do as I do".  Whether we realize it or not, people follow us.  They look to your life and mine, and imitate the steps, jumps, and nuances of our movements.  In the position I'm in, I am asking people to follow me.  I literally am saying, "hey friends, walk this way!".

Granted, my leadership is not perfect.  I'm sure because of my humanness, I lead folks into some potholes, maybe walk directly into a brick wall every now and then, or slide down a grassy hill.  My intentions are to lead people in a positive way, even if I'm distracted or take detours!

It is not an easy thing to ask people to follow in the area of foster care.  No one knows the pitfalls, struggles, and muddiness of foster care better than someone, like me, who has been in the trenches of this ministry.  And yet, many of us in this role persist.  We continue to take children into our home and continue to insist that others do the same.  Talk to many of us and it's almost like a sickness we can't cure...this desire to rescue one more child. It eats at you to the point of madness!

For me, it's always been fairly simple.  Children deserve a safe, nurturing environment.  Period.  No further discussion needed.  If I am capable of providing that, then, in my mind, there is no choice in the matter.  The child gets a safe, happy home.  Badda bing, badda boom. Done.

Granted, that is slightly over simplified.  Or is it?  When you boil it down to those last statements, it really is that simple.  We move over, we make room and we adjust our lives in order to rescue a child.  While how that is done might be complicated and involve complex decisions, heartache, and struggles,  the decision TO do it remains fairly simple.

So friends, I'm inviting you to play "follow the leader".  I get it that, as a leader, I'm putting myself in a position to lead you into a wall, one in which might bruise you as you bang your head against it.  I understand that where I'm leading you will most definitely challenge your very being.  I am so painfully aware that to follow me, you will have to walk away from many things that make your life very comfortable, enjoyable, and, well, ...easy.  Follow me anyway.

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Follow me to the joy of watching a child blossom into who they were meant to be.  Step in my steps and get a view of a child beginning to see a future for themselves where before there was only
sadness and hopelessness.  Get front row seats to a child's heartache beginning to heal, and watch trust begin to develop in a little heart that was once so filled with fear.   Oh the privilege!  It is almost too glorious to bear!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.