Walk this way

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I remember as a child walking behind someone and imitating every move they made.  If they jumped three times, so did I.  If they took four leaps, I took four leaps as well.  It was so much fun trying to duplicate their every move.

Life is not so far off from this little game of "do as I do".  Whether we realize it or not, people follow us.  They look to your life and mine, and imitate the steps, jumps, and nuances of our movements.  In the position I'm in, I am asking people to follow me.  I literally am saying, "hey friends, walk this way!".

Granted, my leadership is not perfect.  I'm sure because of my humanness, I lead folks into some potholes, maybe walk directly into a brick wall every now and then, or slide down a grassy hill.  My intentions are to lead people in a positive way, even if I'm distracted or take detours!

It is not an easy thing to ask people to follow in the area of foster care.  No one knows the pitfalls, struggles, and muddiness of foster care better than someone, like me, who has been in the trenches of this ministry.  And yet, many of us in this role persist.  We continue to take children into our home and continue to insist that others do the same.  Talk to many of us and it's almost like a sickness we can't cure...this desire to rescue one more child. It eats at you to the point of madness!

For me, it's always been fairly simple.  Children deserve a safe, nurturing environment.  Period.  No further discussion needed.  If I am capable of providing that, then, in my mind, there is no choice in the matter.  The child gets a safe, happy home.  Badda bing, badda boom. Done.

Granted, that is slightly over simplified.  Or is it?  When you boil it down to those last statements, it really is that simple.  We move over, we make room and we adjust our lives in order to rescue a child.  While how that is done might be complicated and involve complex decisions, heartache, and struggles,  the decision TO do it remains fairly simple.

So friends, I'm inviting you to play "follow the leader".  I get it that, as a leader, I'm putting myself in a position to lead you into a wall, one in which might bruise you as you bang your head against it.  I understand that where I'm leading you will most definitely challenge your very being.  I am so painfully aware that to follow me, you will have to walk away from many things that make your life very comfortable, enjoyable, and, well, ...easy.  Follow me anyway.

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Follow me to the joy of watching a child blossom into who they were meant to be.  Step in my steps and get a view of a child beginning to see a future for themselves where before there was only
sadness and hopelessness.  Get front row seats to a child's heartache beginning to heal, and watch trust begin to develop in a little heart that was once so filled with fear.   Oh the privilege!  It is almost too glorious to bear!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Tips for self-care while fostering

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Foster parents are accustomed to pouring out on a daily basis.  Let's face it, our kids come to us not having had many of their needs met and we willingly take on the task of patching up, repairing, restoring, and most of all, parenting. It is probably the hardest, and if done well, the most unselfish job I know.  But, learning to take care of yourself in the midst of pouring into  another human being is vital.  There is not much that is going to be poured out of an empty vessel.  How do we give unselfishly, respond patiently, and still take care of ourselves in the process?  It is not an easy balance to strike but essential nonetheless.

Let's look at few things that are at risk when you are giving  all you got in the parenting department.

Your marriage still needs to be pampered.  While bringing kids into your home is a wonderful thing to do and sacrifices have to be made to give the love and attention needed to children of trauma, the marriage can't be on the chopping block of your time ...all the time.  Nothing can make a couple more on edge than to have every ounce of their energy, attention, and loving interactions used up.  My husband and I make it a priority to actually go on dates and we have done this since we started parenting 30 years ago.  I remember even during the early years with our first batch of kids, the whines and whimpers when we would walk out the door and leave them with a sitter.  Later, however, they confessed that although they were sad when we would leave, they truly felt happy that we wanted to be with each other.  As older teens and adults, they were able to look back on those days and be grateful for the security they felt when they saw that mom and dad were happy with each other and wanted to spend time together. They felt relief.  They might not have been able to verbalize it at those younger ages, but they felt it nevertheless.

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Our foster kids are the same way.  Even if they can't express it, a mother and father who take time to love each other makes them feel more secure.; An "all is right with the world" sort of feeling that will permeate throughout the home.
One thing we did when our youngest four entered our home was to enforce the "everyone off of this floor at 9:00 PM rule".  Our house has three levels and our bedroom is the only one on the main level.  Kids could go to their own bedroom or downstairs but we were going to spend that hour from 9:00-10:00 with each other.  We could watch a show without interruption or just talk.  We knew it was important to unwind from the day and we protected that time.  You might be thinking that seems sort of self-centered.  I would disagree. We found that if we didn't keep the communication and attention flowing with each other, ultimately everyone would suffer.  Taking care of your marriage is actually the most  unselfish thing you can do for your family.

You still need time alone.  I am the type of person that really has a hard time doing things just for myself.  As I mentioned earlier, fostering itself demands that we come with a willingness to pour out ourselves for others.  But, even those that enjoy doing for others will find themselves resentful and bitter if  they are not taking care of themselves.  Take time to have coffee with a friend.  Enjoy a pedicure or massage every now and then.  Or, do as I do and when things have become a little too stressful and my reactions are a little too sharp: put yourself in time out.  I can feel the tension in my spirit when I have had enough.  My "no's" become a little more pronounced and my obviously annoyed  responses are coming out too often.  I simply let my husband know that I am going to have to check out for a little while and I retreat back to my bedroom.  I might lounge in the bath for a while, watch a chick flick or read a book.  I do what I need to do to take care of myself so that I'm not responding out of a dried up well.   I can pour into them much more freely when I have made time to be refilled.

 Other children in the home still need your time too.  Admittedly, when kids come into our home, we don't want there to be any difference in how we treat our new kids vs those who have been with us since birth or just in the house longer.  Everyone needs us and at times you might find yourself stretched about as far as you can go. But in an attempt to make sure Sarah and Jack feel a part of the family, Franklin is feeling neglected.  It is tempting to always give the squeakiest wheel the attention.  Our instinct is to migrate to the child having the most issues.  It might even  feel as if we are always in emergency room mode....just putting out fires and responding to the greatest need.  The fall out from that is that biological kids, or foster or adopted kids who have been in the home longer might get left out.
Children all need time with their parents.  Your foster children will demand that time just because they are so in need.  But, there is nothing wrong with taking time with the kiddo who is NOT demanding your attention.  They need to understand they are valued and your time is still available to them as well.  I remember when our last four children came into our home, a few of our older kids were in college.  For our son, it absolutely overwhelmed him to come home from college  and find the dynamics of his home had undergone so much change..  He needed some time to work through the difference, express himself, and still feel he had access to his parents. We made sure that we gave him some time without the entourage behind us that normally took place.

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Self and family care are so vital to being able to go the long haul with fostering and adoption.  Don't let it be an option or even wait until you are at a desperate point.  PLAN to take care of yourself.  Everyone will be better off when you have taken some time to refill.  We just aren't made to empty out the bank account of our lives but still keep writing checks on it.  Taking time to regroup, relax, and even a little pampering is absolutely essential.  EVERYTHING and EVERYONE will be there when you return and guess what, you will be more present as well.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

So...you want to be a "fun" mom?

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When our youngest four came into our home, I was a teacher at their school.  I have always had a creative side and usually structured my classes at school to involve fun, active, creative activities.  I guess you might say I was known as the "fun" teacher.

One of our kids, Hunter, after being in our home a few months confessed, "I hear everyone at school saying you are the fun teacher, but I'm just not seeing it."  Ouch.  He was right.  I was definitely not being the "fun mom".  But, the stress of bringing four more into our home had me ready to hide under the table, not dance around it.  I was closer to tossing the little  monopoly iron across the room, rather than gently sliding it around the board.

My guess is that some of you reading this can relate.  Especially if you are parenting kids from hard places that are sucking you dry.  My nature, although normally giving, was to suck it all back in and resist.  You can't have my fun, I would think.  You have already taken me for everything I have!!  NOT the most loving, spiritual thought in the world, but how I felt, nevertheless.

One thing I have learned, though, is resisting my playful side really causes more stress than when I embrace it.  The positive feelings I feel about myself and....wait for it....about my kids, far exceed any idea of "reserve" I might be tempted to save back. When I play, the delight I see on my children's faces is proof that trust, loving feelings, admiration, and pure fun, can all come from mama attempting to do the the "floss" dance in the middle of the kitchen.  Fifteen minutes of UNO is so much better spent and produces so many more good feelings than losing myself in my phone, or insisting on quiet while I watch some mindless television program.  Really, it does.

So, let's take it slow.  What are some ways you can add fun to your day?  Here are a few:

1) Practice saying "YES".  Sometimes, when I am in the "you have drained me dry" mood, "no" slips out of my mouth so quickly.  Even if, and I'm just being real here, if "yes" would have been just as easy.  If you need a little help with this, make it a game.  Have a yes day!  Then, on that day, whatever is asked, if it is in your ability to do so, just say YES! Even "No's" can really be yeses when you say it right.  "I would love for Joey to come over!  Tonight we are busy but what about Saturday?!"  You said yes....just at a different time than was suggested.  Or..."of course you can have a cookie!  I'll put it right here by your plate so it is there for you after you eat your dinner."  See what I mean?  You are still able to say yes, even when you are having to delay the request.  And, every now and then could we just have a little cookie before dinner?  I mean, that is so much fun.  Really.

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2) Turn on the music!  Music always lightens the mood and brings out playfulness.  Nothing causes more laughter in our house than me attempting some dance move.  Just the thought of it will bring excitement!  Who cares if you can't accomplish the move?  Who cares if it is awkward?  That awkward moment can release endorphins in the brain that will last for hours.  What about singing a silly song to lighten a heavy moment?  Let's face it, when things are tense, an out of tune version of "Let it Go" will surely put a smile on even the most troubled kid. Playfulness, especially through music,  allows a child to relax and realize their outburst, sour mood, or incessant questions or talking has not turned you away.
It is you being light -hearted and playful and it will yield trust.

3) Let's have some good ol' conversation!  Kids who have come from tough beginnings might struggle with carrying their part of a conversation.  One of the things that produced loads of fun and light- heartedness at our house was conversation starters during dinner.  We had a little jar stocked full of conversation starters like..."if you had one super power, what would it be?  Or, "if you were to be granted a trip to any place in the world, where would it be?"  Simple, fun, good conversation; An exchange of ideas that taught us to laugh at ourselves, listen to others, and honestly avoid the list of things our kids did wrong that day.  Let's enjoy our dinner.  Why muddy the waters right then?  There will be plenty of time for that later.

4) Have fun with your routine!  Sometimes the routine can become mundane. Every parent knows the stress of getting dinner cooked, getting homework done and the chore of making sure everyone has a bath.  Whew!  It is a daily challenge to accomplish it all!  But, routine can be fun when just a few short, unexpected moments are added.  A hip bump in the middle of stirring the spaghetti can be just the playfulness that starts a conversation about the day's events. Does your child struggle with getting  homework done?  Playfully pelt them with a wad of paper or a Nerf gun and things will take a turn.  It will allow energy to flow again and coming back to the task might be a little easier.  I know, you will have to calm them down a bit to get them back on task but will they trust you a little more to guide them through it? Absolutely.

Oh dear mom, I'm with you.  I want to be the "fun" mom too.  Let's vow to give ourselves a redo and at least once a day break out into song like Sandy from Grease.  We still have our moves!  We can still suck our cheeks together and make the best fish face ever.  We still have a game of hide and seek inside of us.  We do...it's there.  Just for today, let it peep out from under the rock of discouragement where it's been hiding. Oh, hello there, fun mom! We've been missing you!

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.