Play - Medicine for a child's wounded soul

Toys are "helpers" to a therapist

Children who have experienced trauma often have a hard time processing what happened to them. A child doesn't have the capacity to verbally express the pain, hurt, and fear they have been through as a result of abuse or neglect. As adults, we can sit down with a therapist and while we might struggle to find the words, they eventually come and we feel better for having dealt with our problem. With children, their verbal capacity has not quite reached the level of being able to express such complex thoughts and feelings.  I wanted to know more about play therapy for children and how exactly it is done. I met with Childhelp therapist, Shannon Follett, to find out.

Me: What exactly is play therapy?

Shannon: Play therapy is a type of therapy that utilizes a child's natural inclination to play to help them express their thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way. Play therapy is a medium to engage the part of a child that has not been nurtured.

Me: How specifically is it used to reach a child who has experienced trauma?

Shannon: Children who have experienced trauma can be triggered by every day experiences in their world. It could be a sight, sound, smell, or an experience. Discussing a traumatic event can be especially triggering to them if only talk therapy is utilized by a therapist. When a child is triggered, we see behaviors that are outside the norm for this child. For example dissociation, aggression, and hyperactivity might be behaviors presenting in a child who has been through trauma. Play therapy allows children to approach and process their trauma from a 3rd person perspective. This means a toy or character can go through a play narrative of the trauma instead of  the child having to say, "I went through this traumatic event." Children usually dip into and out of their trauma memories and using a toy or character makes the moments when they do less threatening.

Me: What tools do you use and what is your favorite tool or game to play during therapy?

Shannon: Play therapists use tools like board games, baby dolls, doll houses, art materials, and other objects of play. My favorite item to use is the sand tray and sand tray figures. I enjoy using the sand tray

Art therapy at it's best!

because the possibilities are limitless. The figures, which children call toys and the therapist calls helpers, can be used to set up entire worlds. This method uses the 3rd person perspective that I mentioned above. Often the child thinks they are playing, but they are actually revealing a whole world to the therapist. The therapist can then begin to be curious about what the scenes set up in the sand tray mean and can ask the child to explain further to ensure the child is being correctly understood. The sand tray and figures are a wonderful way for the child to discuss their trauma narrative without being triggered because of this 3rd person approach to the story.

Me: What story can you share where you have seen play bring about a breakthrough for a child?

Shannon: One of the most beautiful experiences I have had with a child using play therapy came early in my career. It was a growth moment for the child, but it was also a growth moment for me. The child was working through sexual abuse by an uncle who had sexually abused 5 of the children in the family. The child I was working with was the oldest of the children, though less than 10 years old herself. 

Shannon with her client

In her sand tray, she had set up a group of  people in one corner of the tray and put a fence around them. This represented the foster/adoptive family she lived with along with two of her younger siblings. It also represented the safety she felt being in their care. In the opposite corner, she placed an empty chair. In front of the chair she positioned a female character that had praying hands. When I asked her to tell me about this section of the tray, she explained, "If I could see my uncle again, I would tell him that I pray for him. I would tell him that I hope that he gets all the help that he needs to be a better person and never hurt anymore children ever again". That child was one of my first therapy clients and I will never forget the lesson of forgiveness that she taught me that day.

At Childhelp, we are so grateful to have therapists like Shannon who are willing to patiently help a child deal with all that has happened to them. With the right kind of help, children can often heal from their tremendous hurt and go on to live happy, productive lives. We are so grateful for Shannon and others like her who have the skill and willingness to lead a child in this process of healing.

Play is the medicine for a child's wounded soul.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Trapped at home!

I've been trapped.
I have been held against my will.
I'm a prisoner in my own home.
It feels as if I have been given "house arrest".

Oh alright, it isn't quite that dramatic but it is difficult, nevertheless.

You see, after having been exposed to COVID-19, I have been quarantined for 14 days.

I have worked from home, paced my house and my yard, stared at and counted the tomatoes growing on the vine...twice, cleaned out a closet, made many messes, and blown my diet.

The truth is, I am created to be with others. I realize many can handle the isolation of a shut down and being quarantined like a pro. Unfortunately, that would not be me.

If anything it has reminded me of how much I NEED others.
How much I yearn for a variety of things to do.
How much I gain from interaction with others.
How irritable I can become when I have so little outside stimulation.

I feel lazy.

Unproductive.

And maybe a little depressed.

The one thing I have thought about, however, during the many hours of solitude, is how difficult it must be when a child is trapped in their own home. For me, isolation will eventually come to an end and once again I'll have the stimulation I need for my healthy survival. But for children who come from hard places, the isolation and lack of stimulation is never ending. When children come to us lethargic, unmotivated, and irritable, it should not be any great surprise as to why.

Our brains are made for stimulation. From the moment we are born, we are designed to be engaged. Our mamas and daddies oooh and ahhh and coo as they make eye contact and we coo right back at them.  As we grow, we giggle at their many faces, imitate their sounds, and begin to freely explore under their watchful eye. This is such a natural progression that we hardly take notice.

But it isn't hard to see when a child hasn't received this very early intervention and has been a prisoner trapped in their own tiny jail cell. Children who have been neglected have long-term effects that are noticed, not only in the very images of their brain, but also in nearly every area of their life.

They are the ones who are dysregulated.
They are the ones who can't seem to process clearly your instructions.
They are often unable to pay attention.
They possibly could be overly hyper and attention seeking.
Or barely able to keep their eyes open.
They might be the ones causing conflict in the home or classroom.
They are troubled.

And no wonder. Those fragile little brains have been starved of the very things that could help them grow: good nutrition, healthy, loving interaction, and educational stimulation. Over time, those tiny little branch- like brain stems, having been cut off from a productive world, wither from neglect and the connections seem lost forever.

But then comes the miracle...
The rays of sunlight actually come breaking through the the prison bars of darkness that overshadowed a child's life and those

withered branches have the opportunity to be nourished. Good, healthy rain falls down on those dry, thirsty
roots, and little flowers of knowledge, personality, and intelligence break free. At first, they might drain dry the one offering nourishment, but eventually they flourish and are satisfied.
They fully bloom. They are set free from their isolation and are introduced to a life where they will be released to finally grow.

Our children's brains can be repaired. Loving parents can actually change the makeup of a neglected child's brain and connections can take place where there was barren emptiness and isolation before.

Using models like Trust Based Relational Intervention, skilled case managers and foster parents with Childhelp can use the language of play to open up a world of communication and to build trust. Feelings and thoughts that have largely been held captive as well are set free when connection is our goal.  Using figurines, dolls, puppets, sand and art therapy, children learn, maybe for the first time, to trust. Play is the language of a hurting child and the key to unlock a child's very soul. At Childhelp, we understand that connection is the root that leads to healing.

We are gardeners with a whole shed full of tools.

We are the pardoners of an unfair prison sentence and the guide to the path of freedom.

We are nourishers of little brains.

Friends, see the power you have to end the isolation.



Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Valuing the Vulnerable

This world offers a lot of opportunities to test our very nature. The entire globe has gone through a major exam by asking us to lay down our rights, to value the vulnerable among us by staying at home and taking precautions. The government has said, and we have agreed, that those who are most at risk for Covid-19 have to be protected and we have sheltered in place. We wear masks. We wash our hands. We stay at home. We order our groceries and pick them up. We change our habits for those who are vulnerable. It just makes sense, doesn't it?

We protect those who are weaker among us.

This idea of "valuing the vulnerable" is not strange to one group of people. Foster Parents have been crying out for the most helpless among us for many years. They advocate for those that can't advocate for themselves...children.  They have taken on the challenge of walking beside a fearful child, of swimming in the deep waters of trauma, of providing a safe shelter for those who are at risk.
They have bought bunkbeds and minivans to keep siblings together.
They have attended court hearings and parent-teacher conferences to help a child succeed.
They have scaled down their active social life while a child regulates to safety.
They have asked other children and family members to move over and make room.
They have learned new songs and made new foods.
They have sat at the ball field on hard benches and cheered loudly for their new little slugger.
They have advocated for the rights of this helpless, vulnerable child while at the same time supporting the efforts of the birth family.

They have sacrificed.

Some might find it difficult to share the most intimate of spaces belonging to them. Namely, their home.

It might be too much to have to set another plate at the table, add another load of laundry, make room for another toothbrush at the bathroom sink.

Or if the physical adjustments don't offer a challenge, what about the emotional upheaval or the demand on your energy?  Would it pass our own level of benevolence to give from the well that sometimes already feels deplete and dry? To have to extend that dipper way down deep and keep dipping day after day might be too much of a challenge for many of us. And yet foster parents dig deeper into this well and somehow draw out refreshing, life-giving water.

To somehow offer words of appreciation is hard to do. How do we express the depth of gratitude for what foster parents willingly take on? How do we say thank you enough to those who have gone against the grain of this selfie-filled world and said no to an easier,  more comfort-filled life and a resounding yes to possible tears and meltdowns and deep rooted hurts? When fully understanding the depth of what they are offering- what they willingly lay down for another, words fall terribly short and we struggle to adequately say thank you with the sincerity it deserves.

Childhelp is blessed to serve these saints of our time. We are so grateful to walk beside them and at times hold their hands while they are grasping the fingers of a little one.
Foster parents, we are indebted to you and offer our most heart-felt thanks during this month of appreciation.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

The new normal

My guess is you have already adjusted to many things that are the "new normal". 

You are missing sitting at the ball field or watching your favorite teams on TV.  

You are running through the drive through with your spouse and sitting in the parking lot having your "date" instead of holding hands across the table.

You are working from your computer with virtual chats and online meetings.

You are wearing masks, gloves,  and you know what the letters PPE stand for.

You search every store for Clorox wipes and toilet paper only to find the shelves empty.

Your church  now consists of  the pastor preaching his sermon to an online following of hearts and likes.

You don't hug.

You don't hold hands.

You don't touch your face. 

Your kids are not in school.

You try to homeschool.

You give up on trying to homeschool.

Whew!  It is a lot to adjust to...this new version of "normal".

But have these things also become the "norm" now?

You are cooking healthy meals and eating them around the family table.

You have roasted hot dogs by an open fire.

You have been home long enough to clean out closets and do home improvement projects.

You have walked and petted your dog to a point they are running away from you!

You have read a book.

You have baked cookies with your kids.

You are checking on your elderly parents...daily.

As much change as this virus has ushered in, all of it is not so bad.  I for one have looked at the busyness of the family and wondered how we got there. For some time I have observed families rushing from one activity to another and I wondered if things could ever get back to something a little less complex;  Something that would require a couple of post- it note reminders instead of  a complex calendar of dates and events.  Something that would not only slow our minds down, but help us really reconnect.

Then the world put up a "Sorry, we're closed" sign and just like that, we stopped.

Interesting that something that has supposedly taken away our connection might be the very thing that helps us reconnect.

Just like you, I've wondered how we are going to get back to our "norm".  But, do we have to add back everything?  Sure I want to eat out at our favorite restaurant again, but I treasure the time spent around our kitchen table. Of course sports need to a be a part of our lives, but does it have to take center stage and will we still have time for our nightly UNO match? By all means let's go back to our churches and worship together but have we discovered that we are reaching many more people by offering it online as well?

 And when we are finally able to add back a hug? Look out...I'm going to linger and hold on way longer than the 3 second shoulder pat would dictate. Waaay longer.

We can look back on this one day and lament all that we lost. We can complain and cry and fuss over what it took.   But, if we are intentional, we can hear our children one day recall the spring that Mama and Daddy played ball with them every afternoon. If we keep our wits about us, our children can learn to bake our famous banana bread.  If we have a mind to, we can hang up a hammock and swing a little.

If we don't lose our minds, we can take back family. 

Who's with me? Let's welcome back the "new normal".

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Superheroes often wear masks

Amber Martin, foster parent and health care worker

Superheroes almost always wear masks.  You know, Batman and his black eye covering. Superman and his head gear. All of them have some form of  a masked "disguise".

Superheroes are now wearing masks of another kind.

At Childhelp, we are not strangers to watching superheroes. We don't take for granted the opportunity to see people step up as a foster parent and walk with a child through their trauma to a  point of healing...to that hurting child, there is no greater superhero. We also are witness to the youngest of heroes as we watch children bravely overcome their trauma and abuse and embrace a life of love and joy.  Honestly, it feels like we are the privileged ones to be able to be a part of something so

Our children bravely overcome their trauma

miraculous...so heroic.
At this time in our world, though, some of our foster parents have had to wear more than one kind of superhero mask. These foster parents are not only amazing at helping kids through their trauma, but also have jobs as health care workers. Daily they are putting themselves on the frontlines of this pandemic and we are grateful for their sacrifice and for once again putting on this superhero mask.
Amber Martin is a Childhelp superhero.  She works at Children's Hospital and on top of that she is fostering three kids...who are now at home full time! Amber is having to risk exposure to Covid-19 on a daily basis.
She takes precautions.
She is careful.
But, all of that care doesn't cure the worry in her mind that she could bring this virus home to her family.  I asked Amber how she is handling all of this and taking care of her family as well.  Here are her thoughts:

Me: What are you and those around you at work feeling right now?

Amber: I feel this pressure on me. The hospital feels like a ghost town because people aren't allowed to come in. I work in the NICU and parents can only come be with their baby one at a time.  As soon as you walk in the hospital, you always wonder if there are people who will come in that day who are exposed to the virus. I cannot act like I am afraid of my patients. I have to continue to engage and make them feel comfortable.
All workers have to go through a screening process before entering. As I enter, I say a prayer each day for what might happen.  We are always ready to deploy to another area of the hospital if necessary.

Me: What routine are you going through to protect yourself and those around you?

Amber: As I said, workers have a screening and questionnaire. We go through that along with having our temperature taken before we even go inside the hospital. We wear gloves and masks at all times. If we touch something with our gloves, we change them. When I come home, I go from garage to laundry room. Chris (Amber's husband) has Lysol waiting for me and I strip down in the laundry room and spray down everything that can't go in the wash. I go straight to the shower and have to wait for hugs until I'm completely sanitized.

Me: What is the hardest part for you concerning this pandemic, both as a healthcare worker and as a foster parent?

Amber: Getting used to this new normal.  Trying to make sure the kids feel safe. Our younger one has really acted out because all of his routines have changed. I don't want them to fear what is going on in the world. They already have enough fear and worry.

Me: If you could communicate any message to us "civilians", what would it be?

Amber:  Please stay home so we can go back to seeing smiling faces, not hidden by masks. And more importantly, so that children can have both parents with them in the hospital. I can't imagine having a child in the hospital and being told I couldn't visit. But safety for the children must come first!

Amber added that we are all in this together and we  have to have faith that God will get us through this.

Angela Gribanow taking extra precautions

Another long time Childhelp foster parent, Angela Gribanow, offered similar advice. Angela and her husband John both work in medical facilities where their exposure to the virus is greater. Angela has a cousin who passed away due to this virus and knows others who were infected but gratefully have now recovered. Angela advises to keep wearing masks, wash and sanitize your hands often, and don't forget to sanitize things that you touch often like car door handles.

While neither of these two ladies think of themselves as heroes, all of us at Childhelp would beg to differ. They have loved, protected, and provided for many children and now are unselfishly loving and serving the public by using their medical skills at a time when we are most in need.

We are grateful to you and appreciate your skills and service at this time. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Calming Chaos: How the Atkinson Family does it

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson

Chaos.  It is all around us.  Every time we turn on the television or open our computer, we see it. Even sitcoms make us laugh at the craziness and drama of others.  But, what if we decide we don't want the chaos anymore? What if we commit to choosing a simpler, calmer life? Perhaps you have been thinking of adopting a lifestyle in your family that lends itself to tranquility...or at least an attempt at it!

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson  have done just that.  From the beginning they decided to make relationships the priority in their home. And, a year ago when they brought 3 more children into their home to foster, adding to their family of four, they studied the situation even more. Cindy and Ryan knew that meeting everyone's needs would quickly drain them if they didn't set some ground rules for the family.  I sat down with Cindy to find out how they do it.  What she revealed can help any family struggling to calm the chaos! Here are her tips:

1)Have a family member of the week.
If you are a parent of more than one child and they can talk, you know how many times a day/week you are asked questions and how much competition there is about literally everything: the front seat, picking the movie, the top bunk... you get the idea. Ryan and Cindy solved this by having a family member of the week. That child gets to choose many of the "special" items  when it is their week, thus eliminating much of the arguing and many of the questions. To make it even more special, they are singled out to go with the parent of their choice to the library to choose the books for the week. The child of the week gets to pick the books that everyone will enjoy, plus choose the one that is read each night to the family, all while spending a lovely time with mom or dad by themselves!  This special child also gets to choose the movie for family movie night, sit in the front seat, or any of the other coveted decisions that can easily cause an argument.  Problem solved.

2) Limit technology and sports

After dinner playtime is a must at the Atkinson home!

Ryan and Cindy have discovered that the "pay off" of technology lends to very little dividends.  Parents think the convenience of the iPhone babysitter or the marathon watching of the Disney channel is relieving them, but in reality, behavior becomes worse. Cindy says that play outside, crafts, and creativity lead to much happier, satisfied children. Of course, this puts a few more demands on their time as parents, but Cindy says it is absolutely worth it.  "Being a parent is a ministry" she says.  Cindy and Ryan view connecting with their children as the most important part of parenting. When asked "can I have a phone?" by their foster daughter, it was easy to explain to her how addictive phones can become and how much more time they will have to spend together if those are limited. This sweet child, after years of not having her needs met, was content with the idea that someone was choosing to spend time with her. She finally has attentive parents who see time spent with her as a treasure.
Sports are wonderful for kids, but when you have five, it can easily consume your life. In this family, a child can choose one sport a year.  Swimming is always available in the summer months when school isn't in the equation.  With some limits on extra-curricular activities, they are able to make the evening meal a priority.  At least six nights a week the family gathers for dinner. Oh the discussions and conversations that happen around that table! Balance is something that is difficult to maintain, but somehow, this family has found it.

3) Marriage is a priority
When you have five children, all wanting the attention of mom and dad, time together as a couple can easily slip by the wayside. Cindy says that even in the midst of many needs, time with each other is top priority. The couple make dating a priority and Cindy says they are grateful to have family members who understand the importance of what they are doing and are more than willing to offer to care for the children while Cindy and Ryan have a night out. This couple seems to understand that without the foundation of a healthy marriage, everything  else can quickly fall apart. Cindy added that Ryan is quick to protect her when he knows she is being pulled in all different directions. The couple has set rules to protect their time together.  All the children are in bed by a certain time. When younger children wanted to pop out of bed extra early in the morning, a bedside clock was the solution and a time set for getting out of bed.  This way, even when a child awakened, they would lay that extra time in bed...often falling back to sleep.  Protecting that time together is smart and allows the children to see that you value the time you spend together as a couple.

4) Be honest
This one might seem to be a no brain-er, but kids need to know that mom and dad are real people they can trust. When one child overheard the discussion with the Biblical counselor about what "thing" they were working on with each child, he asked Cindy, "Mom, do you have a 'thing'?" Cindy was able to be honest about her short comings and helped her foster son see that all of us have a "thing". None of us are perfect and being able to be honest about areas that need work or ways that we fail is something that good parents recognize as good discipleship. Children need to understand that their mess-ups are forgivable and that we are all a work in progress. When children from hard places understand that they are allowed to make mistakes, many times their very soul is calmed. The fear and uncertainty and the chaos of their own mind is calmed and they learn to relax.

Big brother, Caleb, comforting his foster brother after a tough time.

One of the greatest blessings this family has been able to enjoy is the bond that their foster children have established with their birth sons. One of their sons, Caleb, is a special need's child and frankly was the excuse this family made for not fostering sooner. Watching this special child love with such unconditional love has been healing for their foster children. No matter how the new three have behaved, "Caleb is always waiting with a hug", Cindy explained.  The foster daughters have quickly become extra hands and "mother" to Caleb which has been an added blessing to Ryan and Cindy.  Cindy is quick to give God credit for this match made in heaven. This family expressed that what they thought might be an extra burden, was transformed to a blessing for their special need's son. Both Caleb and Silas have embraced their new siblings and all are learning what it means to give a little more, make a little more room, and be a family to those who need one.
Childhelp is so grateful for the amazing work this family is doing to help children heal! Thank you Atkinson family!!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

This family knows the HEALING POWER of PLAY!!

Caleb and Silas (left) have adjusted well to having more siblings!

Ryan enjoys some one on one time with one of the newest family members!

A Simply IMPERFECT Christmas

In my heart, I want it to be simple.

In my home, I want it to be simple

In my bank account, I want it to be simple.

In my kitchen, I want it to be simple.

But I'm telling you friends, simple sometimes seems, well...complicated. 

With the Christmas holiday upon us, let's focus on how we can accomplish keeping it simple:

Let go of expectations. 
This is a change that can begin at this very moment.  While I enjoy watching a Hallmark movie as much as the rest of the world, I know that everything is not that "picture perfect". Decide now to let go of some of those unrealistic expectations. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, my husband and I have 9 children.  With that large of a family, we had to let go of some of what we expected out of them and out of ourselves. For example,  we no longer buy gifts for all of the older children.  That hurt my heart to give that up, but it absolutely overwhelmed me to figure out gifts for that many people.
So, they get cash. Not too personal, I realize. If I am able, I might add one personal gift or a handwritten letter but even if that doesn't happen, I'm okay.  Also, I realize that with children growing up and having their own families, I might not get to have them in the same room at the same time.  I refuse to put that kind of pressure on them and have let go of that perfect photo opp.  Do I still hope all of my chicks are around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning? Of course. But, as they grow older...life will change. I fully expect their own traditions to take over and some of mine to lose top priority.

What about "almost homemade".
Part of my frustrations during the busy holiday season is the amount of meals I seem to be preparing. I will still have a traditional Christmas dinner, but I might cheat a bit for the other meals surrounding the day.  If two large chicken pot pies from Costco or a couple of frozen lasagnas from Walmart can be inserted to provide a meal for my gang without having to think through and line up ingredients, then I say so be it! Simplifying means finding ways to make things run smoothly and lesson the stress.  What about a sandwich night?  Or even getting together for just cookies and hot chocolate. The point is...get together. 
If you still have littles in the home, they are equally impressed with a pizza night or hot dogs around the fire pit. In other words, together doesn't have to mean table clothes and candles, two meats, six sides, and everyone's favorite dessert. Keeping it simple might mean you will reserve enough energy to enjoy the evening too.  I can almost guarantee that your family would rather have a simple meal and a happy mama than the other way around.

Good enough is...good enough 
I don't consider myself a perfectionist but a people pleaser?  Guilty.  I would probably try to run through fire if I thought that was what someone ELSE was expecting for their entertainment. My people pleasing is and probably will always be a work in progress.  Recently, though, I told someone very close to me that I couldn't do what they were asking of me. Amazingly, we all survived. I also have missed a couple of my son's football games and by my best observation, he still played well and doesn't appear to be terribly scarred. Relationship is still in tact. Will my tribe occasionally be disappointed in me?  Probably. But my effort, my attention to them, my house keeping abilities are all good enough. Not perfect...but enough.

Your children will be okay...

If the outside lights don't get put up this year.

If they don't get to have the epic sleepover they were hoping for during their school break.

If finances called for everyone at the party to go home...wait for it...without a party favor.

If they turn on cartoons and eat Pop Tarts so that you can get an extra hour of sleep.


YOU will be okay...

If paper plates are used at the Christmas dinner instead of grandma's china.

Photo by Providence Doucet on Unsplash

If everyone eats cereal on Christmas morning instead of the big breakfast you were hoping to prepare.

If the floors didn't get mopped before everyone comes over. (Newsflash: the moment they all walk in, the floors will be dirty. Doesn't it make sense to mop after they leave?  Hmmm??? )

If your boys are still wearing shorts on Christmas day. (They won't stay cold forever and I don't think you actually get sick from being a little chilly anyway.)

So, have I convinced you to relax?  Enjoy your less than perfect life? After all, it is generally the imperfections that we all remember. Let's have more of those!

Every wound healed.  Every Child, a home.  childhelptn.org