You're doing WHAT??? How to help relatives and friends accept the idea of fostering

You are so excited!  You have just gotten the call and a sibling group of three is coming to your home this evening!  Wow...life is about to change and you are suddenly realizing that you can not do this alone.  This will require an army of people who will be there to help you at the drop of a hat. You envision meals being brought, children developing new aunts and uncles, ice cream trips, and family barbeques. It can happen. It shouldn't be that far fetched. But, the reality is, many, including some of your family and friends, might not understand what you are about to take on. They might not feel the excitement as the new bunch bounces their way on to the seen like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. Perhaps they want to help. Maybe they want to understand. And yet as you sit alone and the phone remains silent, you realize the possibility that others just don't get this.

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In this world, most find it difficult to understand this new role. We love to embrace the American Dream  but let's face it, the dream is many times for ourselves. It normally doesn't include opening our home to wounded children and many of those surrounding you won't be able to fathom making that kind of a sacrifice. Most dream about making life easier for themselves...not more difficult.

But, you know your life was meant to be used for a greater purpose so you press on with confidence. Our job is to assist those curiously standing on the sidelines and show them how they can help. Here are a few suggestions to help bring people you care about into this new world.

1) Inform your friends and family. During the couple of months prior to a placement, let your friends, family, and church know of your desire. Talk about some of the feelings and thoughts that led up to this decision to foster and set out some expectation of the support you are hoping to receive. This is the time to find out who will stand beside you and walk with you through the good and the bad. Also, finding support groups or organizations that can offer resources and experience is helpful as well. In the Knoxville area KAFCAM (Knoxville Area Foster Care &Adoption Ministries  http://kafcam.org/) is a wonderful resource for information. There are many online groups that can offer suggestions and resources and who also can relate to what you are going through. Connect. It might be your lifeline on a hard day.

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2) Educate yourself and others. Children who have come from a trauma -filled life are going to have some learned behaviors. The more you can educate yourself and help others to understand, certainly the better off you all will be. Childhelp offers training to help in understanding the brain and development of children from hard places. There is much to offer just by searching the Internet. As a way of introduction to children who have come from hard places, check out this video from Dr.
Karyn Purvis of Texas Christian University. Dr. Purvis does an amazing job of helping us see how the brain and development changes when a child comes from trauma.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vjVpRffgHQ&t=2012s

3) Ask for patience. You are essentially bringing strangers into your home. The bonding and attachment process takes time. Set realistic expectations for yourself, your kids, and even your family and friends. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids will not happen over night. All of the altruistic, benevolent thoughts we have about what we are doing can diminish in the midst of hard, real-life drama. Perhaps we have to take a moment to imagine ourselves in our children's shoes and understand all that transpired to bring them to this point. Empathy, kindness, and unconditional love can all work together to help a child heal. Those qualities need to come from you as the foster parent but they are so appreciated when they also come from those around you. Take each day as a new beginning...and take as many new beginnings as you need.

At Childhelp, we are happy to help those around you understand this pool in which you are about to dive. It won't be easy and probably will require more of yourself than you ever thought possible. But, with a great support team, patience, and a determined spirit, lives will be changed.

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Serenity NOW! Tips for keeping your sanity while fostering

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There have been many times over the last 13 years of fostering and adoption that I felt my sanity slipping. While trying to give kids a sense of normalcy and safety, my world would in turn become disregulated and I would be the one in need of some coping skills. Last I checked, the mama in the corner sucking her thumb wasn't what was listed as "awesome qualities of a foster parent" when we were going through the classes for licensure. When you enter the world of hurting children, it is easy to allow the chaos and trauma to become part of your life as well. Here are some tips to keep your sanity in tact:

1) Keep a sense of humor.
The most successful foster parents I know always find something to laugh about. There is plenty to drag you into the dark pit of despair but a lighter side can be the rope to help you climb out. When you can laugh at your own mistakes, forgive quickly the mistakes of others, and allow the stress to roll off your back, you might be on the road to keeping your sanity in check. In this world of heavy

issues, laughter truly is the best medicine. Find the funny movies, tell the light-hearted stories, and play the silly games. There is probably no better way for a child to heal than to play their way to good mental health. A good foster parent joins in on that play and keeps things on the lighter side. Even when instructing or disciplining, less is more. Less talk, less drama, less anger. Believe me, with my love for words, I've had to learn this the hard way. Surely talking something to death will help them understand!!!  Uh, I'm afraid not. Keep it simple, to the point, and on the playful side and life will go well with you.

2) Brace yourself for uncertainty.
The whole idea of fostering is a temporary fix. Sure, many children may end up being adopted from foster care but, the uncertainty of that and all that it entails needs to be understood and embraced from the beginning. I see many heartaches that could have been avoided if the idea of "shared parenting" was embraced from the beginning. Oh I understand it gets confusing. We are begging you to connect and attach to hurting children and then the system feels like it yanks the rug right out from under you. This piece of a very messy puzzle can sometimes be the straw that pushes us right up to the edge of crazy. We understand. But, realize that there are multiple people and entities making decisions for this child or children and those decisions might stand in contrast to your own opinion. It is OK to advocate for your foster child. But, know from the start that your voice and opinion, while valued, will not be the only one heard.

3) Take care of yourself
If there is one thing I can say for certain, trying to eek out a few drops  from an empty vase will almost always result in a cracked pot! Learning what your own needs are and how to go about meeting them is the only way to have peace, harmony, and longevity in this ministry to hurting children.

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Go ahead...

Go out on that date with your spouse.

Schedule a massage.

Meet up with a friend for coffee

Take the time to read your new book.

Continue your gym membership.

If you are not taking care of your own needs, then be prepared for a break down. Our bodies and minds are not equipped to continually pour out without at some point a refilling. Learning how to recognize when your tank is low and what steps you can take to refuel will help you see this through to the end. Go without and burnout will soon follow.

Fostering is not for the faint at heart. But, few things in life are as important as meeting the needs of children. Arm yourself with a great support team and take the leap to make a life-long difference to a child.

Will it be hard?
Yep.

Will it be worth it?
Absolutely.

But here is the good news...Childhelp is here to help.


Every wound healed. Every child, a home.