The new normal

My guess is you have already adjusted to many things that are the "new normal". 

You are missing sitting at the ball field or watching your favorite teams on TV.  

You are running through the drive through with your spouse and sitting in the parking lot having your "date" instead of holding hands across the table.

You are working from your computer with virtual chats and online meetings.

You are wearing masks, gloves,  and you know what the letters PPE stand for.

You search every store for Clorox wipes and toilet paper only to find the shelves empty.

Your church  now consists of  the pastor preaching his sermon to an online following of hearts and likes.

You don't hug.

You don't hold hands.

You don't touch your face. 

Your kids are not in school.

You try to homeschool.

You give up on trying to homeschool.

Whew!  It is a lot to adjust to...this new version of "normal".

But have these things also become the "norm" now?

You are cooking healthy meals and eating them around the family table.

You have roasted hot dogs by an open fire.

You have been home long enough to clean out closets and do home improvement projects.

You have walked and petted your dog to a point they are running away from you!

You have read a book.

You have baked cookies with your kids.

You are checking on your elderly parents...daily.

As much change as this virus has ushered in, all of it is not so bad.  I for one have looked at the busyness of the family and wondered how we got there. For some time I have observed families rushing from one activity to another and I wondered if things could ever get back to something a little less complex;  Something that would require a couple of post- it note reminders instead of  a complex calendar of dates and events.  Something that would not only slow our minds down, but help us really reconnect.

Then the world put up a "Sorry, we're closed" sign and just like that, we stopped.

Interesting that something that has supposedly taken away our connection might be the very thing that helps us reconnect.

Just like you, I've wondered how we are going to get back to our "norm".  But, do we have to add back everything?  Sure I want to eat out at our favorite restaurant again, but I treasure the time spent around our kitchen table. Of course sports need to a be a part of our lives, but does it have to take center stage and will we still have time for our nightly UNO match? By all means let's go back to our churches and worship together but have we discovered that we are reaching many more people by offering it online as well?

 And when we are finally able to add back a hug? Look out...I'm going to linger and hold on way longer than the 3 second shoulder pat would dictate. Waaay longer.

We can look back on this one day and lament all that we lost. We can complain and cry and fuss over what it took.   But, if we are intentional, we can hear our children one day recall the spring that Mama and Daddy played ball with them every afternoon. If we keep our wits about us, our children can learn to bake our famous banana bread.  If we have a mind to, we can hang up a hammock and swing a little.

If we don't lose our minds, we can take back family. 

Who's with me? Let's welcome back the "new normal".

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

Superheroes often wear masks

Amber Martin, foster parent and health care worker

Superheroes almost always wear masks.  You know, Batman and his black eye covering. Superman and his head gear. All of them have some form of  a masked "disguise".

Superheroes are now wearing masks of another kind.

At Childhelp, we are not strangers to watching superheroes. We don't take for granted the opportunity to see people step up as a foster parent and walk with a child through their trauma to a  point of healing...to that hurting child, there is no greater superhero. We also are witness to the youngest of heroes as we watch children bravely overcome their trauma and abuse and embrace a life of love and joy.  Honestly, it feels like we are the privileged ones to be able to be a part of something so

Our children bravely overcome their trauma

miraculous...so heroic.
At this time in our world, though, some of our foster parents have had to wear more than one kind of superhero mask. These foster parents are not only amazing at helping kids through their trauma, but also have jobs as health care workers. Daily they are putting themselves on the frontlines of this pandemic and we are grateful for their sacrifice and for once again putting on this superhero mask.
Amber Martin is a Childhelp superhero.  She works at Children's Hospital and on top of that she is fostering three kids...who are now at home full time! Amber is having to risk exposure to Covid-19 on a daily basis.
She takes precautions.
She is careful.
But, all of that care doesn't cure the worry in her mind that she could bring this virus home to her family.  I asked Amber how she is handling all of this and taking care of her family as well.  Here are her thoughts:

Me: What are you and those around you at work feeling right now?

Amber: I feel this pressure on me. The hospital feels like a ghost town because people aren't allowed to come in. I work in the NICU and parents can only come be with their baby one at a time.  As soon as you walk in the hospital, you always wonder if there are people who will come in that day who are exposed to the virus. I cannot act like I am afraid of my patients. I have to continue to engage and make them feel comfortable.
All workers have to go through a screening process before entering. As I enter, I say a prayer each day for what might happen.  We are always ready to deploy to another area of the hospital if necessary.

Me: What routine are you going through to protect yourself and those around you?

Amber: As I said, workers have a screening and questionnaire. We go through that along with having our temperature taken before we even go inside the hospital. We wear gloves and masks at all times. If we touch something with our gloves, we change them. When I come home, I go from garage to laundry room. Chris (Amber's husband) has Lysol waiting for me and I strip down in the laundry room and spray down everything that can't go in the wash. I go straight to the shower and have to wait for hugs until I'm completely sanitized.

Me: What is the hardest part for you concerning this pandemic, both as a healthcare worker and as a foster parent?

Amber: Getting used to this new normal.  Trying to make sure the kids feel safe. Our younger one has really acted out because all of his routines have changed. I don't want them to fear what is going on in the world. They already have enough fear and worry.

Me: If you could communicate any message to us "civilians", what would it be?

Amber:  Please stay home so we can go back to seeing smiling faces, not hidden by masks. And more importantly, so that children can have both parents with them in the hospital. I can't imagine having a child in the hospital and being told I couldn't visit. But safety for the children must come first!

Amber added that we are all in this together and we  have to have faith that God will get us through this.

Angela Gribanow taking extra precautions

Another long time Childhelp foster parent, Angela Gribanow, offered similar advice. Angela and her husband John both work in medical facilities where their exposure to the virus is greater. Angela has a cousin who passed away due to this virus and knows others who were infected but gratefully have now recovered. Angela advises to keep wearing masks, wash and sanitize your hands often, and don't forget to sanitize things that you touch often like car door handles.

While neither of these two ladies think of themselves as heroes, all of us at Childhelp would beg to differ. They have loved, protected, and provided for many children and now are unselfishly loving and serving the public by using their medical skills at a time when we are most in need.

We are grateful to you and appreciate your skills and service at this time. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Calming Chaos: How the Atkinson Family does it

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson

Chaos.  It is all around us.  Every time we turn on the television or open our computer, we see it. Even sitcoms make us laugh at the craziness and drama of others.  But, what if we decide we don't want the chaos anymore? What if we commit to choosing a simpler, calmer life? Perhaps you have been thinking of adopting a lifestyle in your family that lends itself to tranquility...or at least an attempt at it!

Ryan and Cindy Atkinson  have done just that.  From the beginning they decided to make relationships the priority in their home. And, a year ago when they brought 3 more children into their home to foster, adding to their family of four, they studied the situation even more. Cindy and Ryan knew that meeting everyone's needs would quickly drain them if they didn't set some ground rules for the family.  I sat down with Cindy to find out how they do it.  What she revealed can help any family struggling to calm the chaos! Here are her tips:

1)Have a family member of the week.
If you are a parent of more than one child and they can talk, you know how many times a day/week you are asked questions and how much competition there is about literally everything: the front seat, picking the movie, the top bunk... you get the idea. Ryan and Cindy solved this by having a family member of the week. That child gets to choose many of the "special" items  when it is their week, thus eliminating much of the arguing and many of the questions. To make it even more special, they are singled out to go with the parent of their choice to the library to choose the books for the week. The child of the week gets to pick the books that everyone will enjoy, plus choose the one that is read each night to the family, all while spending a lovely time with mom or dad by themselves!  This special child also gets to choose the movie for family movie night, sit in the front seat, or any of the other coveted decisions that can easily cause an argument.  Problem solved.

2) Limit technology and sports

After dinner playtime is a must at the Atkinson home!

Ryan and Cindy have discovered that the "pay off" of technology lends to very little dividends.  Parents think the convenience of the iPhone babysitter or the marathon watching of the Disney channel is relieving them, but in reality, behavior becomes worse. Cindy says that play outside, crafts, and creativity lead to much happier, satisfied children. Of course, this puts a few more demands on their time as parents, but Cindy says it is absolutely worth it.  "Being a parent is a ministry" she says.  Cindy and Ryan view connecting with their children as the most important part of parenting. When asked "can I have a phone?" by their foster daughter, it was easy to explain to her how addictive phones can become and how much more time they will have to spend together if those are limited. This sweet child, after years of not having her needs met, was content with the idea that someone was choosing to spend time with her. She finally has attentive parents who see time spent with her as a treasure.
Sports are wonderful for kids, but when you have five, it can easily consume your life. In this family, a child can choose one sport a year.  Swimming is always available in the summer months when school isn't in the equation.  With some limits on extra-curricular activities, they are able to make the evening meal a priority.  At least six nights a week the family gathers for dinner. Oh the discussions and conversations that happen around that table! Balance is something that is difficult to maintain, but somehow, this family has found it.

3) Marriage is a priority
When you have five children, all wanting the attention of mom and dad, time together as a couple can easily slip by the wayside. Cindy says that even in the midst of many needs, time with each other is top priority. The couple make dating a priority and Cindy says they are grateful to have family members who understand the importance of what they are doing and are more than willing to offer to care for the children while Cindy and Ryan have a night out. This couple seems to understand that without the foundation of a healthy marriage, everything  else can quickly fall apart. Cindy added that Ryan is quick to protect her when he knows she is being pulled in all different directions. The couple has set rules to protect their time together.  All the children are in bed by a certain time. When younger children wanted to pop out of bed extra early in the morning, a bedside clock was the solution and a time set for getting out of bed.  This way, even when a child awakened, they would lay that extra time in bed...often falling back to sleep.  Protecting that time together is smart and allows the children to see that you value the time you spend together as a couple.

4) Be honest
This one might seem to be a no brain-er, but kids need to know that mom and dad are real people they can trust. When one child overheard the discussion with the Biblical counselor about what "thing" they were working on with each child, he asked Cindy, "Mom, do you have a 'thing'?" Cindy was able to be honest about her short comings and helped her foster son see that all of us have a "thing". None of us are perfect and being able to be honest about areas that need work or ways that we fail is something that good parents recognize as good discipleship. Children need to understand that their mess-ups are forgivable and that we are all a work in progress. When children from hard places understand that they are allowed to make mistakes, many times their very soul is calmed. The fear and uncertainty and the chaos of their own mind is calmed and they learn to relax.

Big brother, Caleb, comforting his foster brother after a tough time.

One of the greatest blessings this family has been able to enjoy is the bond that their foster children have established with their birth sons. One of their sons, Caleb, is a special need's child and frankly was the excuse this family made for not fostering sooner. Watching this special child love with such unconditional love has been healing for their foster children. No matter how the new three have behaved, "Caleb is always waiting with a hug", Cindy explained.  The foster daughters have quickly become extra hands and "mother" to Caleb which has been an added blessing to Ryan and Cindy.  Cindy is quick to give God credit for this match made in heaven. This family expressed that what they thought might be an extra burden, was transformed to a blessing for their special need's son. Both Caleb and Silas have embraced their new siblings and all are learning what it means to give a little more, make a little more room, and be a family to those who need one.
Childhelp is so grateful for the amazing work this family is doing to help children heal! Thank you Atkinson family!!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

This family knows the HEALING POWER of PLAY!!

Caleb and Silas (left) have adjusted well to having more siblings!

Ryan enjoys some one on one time with one of the newest family members!

A Simply IMPERFECT Christmas

In my heart, I want it to be simple.

In my home, I want it to be simple

In my bank account, I want it to be simple.

In my kitchen, I want it to be simple.

But I'm telling you friends, simple sometimes seems, well...complicated. 

With the Christmas holiday upon us, let's focus on how we can accomplish keeping it simple:

Let go of expectations. 
This is a change that can begin at this very moment.  While I enjoy watching a Hallmark movie as much as the rest of the world, I know that everything is not that "picture perfect". Decide now to let go of some of those unrealistic expectations. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, my husband and I have 9 children.  With that large of a family, we had to let go of some of what we expected out of them and out of ourselves. For example,  we no longer buy gifts for all of the older children.  That hurt my heart to give that up, but it absolutely overwhelmed me to figure out gifts for that many people.
So, they get cash. Not too personal, I realize. If I am able, I might add one personal gift or a handwritten letter but even if that doesn't happen, I'm okay.  Also, I realize that with children growing up and having their own families, I might not get to have them in the same room at the same time.  I refuse to put that kind of pressure on them and have let go of that perfect photo opp.  Do I still hope all of my chicks are around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning? Of course. But, as they grow older...life will change. I fully expect their own traditions to take over and some of mine to lose top priority.

What about "almost homemade".
Part of my frustrations during the busy holiday season is the amount of meals I seem to be preparing. I will still have a traditional Christmas dinner, but I might cheat a bit for the other meals surrounding the day.  If two large chicken pot pies from Costco or a couple of frozen lasagnas from Walmart can be inserted to provide a meal for my gang without having to think through and line up ingredients, then I say so be it! Simplifying means finding ways to make things run smoothly and lesson the stress.  What about a sandwich night?  Or even getting together for just cookies and hot chocolate. The point is...get together. 
If you still have littles in the home, they are equally impressed with a pizza night or hot dogs around the fire pit. In other words, together doesn't have to mean table clothes and candles, two meats, six sides, and everyone's favorite dessert. Keeping it simple might mean you will reserve enough energy to enjoy the evening too.  I can almost guarantee that your family would rather have a simple meal and a happy mama than the other way around.

Good enough is...good enough 
I don't consider myself a perfectionist but a people pleaser?  Guilty.  I would probably try to run through fire if I thought that was what someone ELSE was expecting for their entertainment. My people pleasing is and probably will always be a work in progress.  Recently, though, I told someone very close to me that I couldn't do what they were asking of me. Amazingly, we all survived. I also have missed a couple of my son's football games and by my best observation, he still played well and doesn't appear to be terribly scarred. Relationship is still in tact. Will my tribe occasionally be disappointed in me?  Probably. But my effort, my attention to them, my house keeping abilities are all good enough. Not perfect...but enough.

Your children will be okay...

If the outside lights don't get put up this year.

If they don't get to have the epic sleepover they were hoping for during their school break.

If finances called for everyone at the party to go home...wait for it...without a party favor.

If they turn on cartoons and eat Pop Tarts so that you can get an extra hour of sleep.


YOU will be okay...

If paper plates are used at the Christmas dinner instead of grandma's china.

Photo by Providence Doucet on Unsplash

If everyone eats cereal on Christmas morning instead of the big breakfast you were hoping to prepare.

If the floors didn't get mopped before everyone comes over. (Newsflash: the moment they all walk in, the floors will be dirty. Doesn't it make sense to mop after they leave?  Hmmm??? )

If your boys are still wearing shorts on Christmas day. (They won't stay cold forever and I don't think you actually get sick from being a little chilly anyway.)

So, have I convinced you to relax?  Enjoy your less than perfect life? After all, it is generally the imperfections that we all remember. Let's have more of those!

Every wound healed.  Every Child, a home.  childhelptn.org

"Room in my heart and home" How one single foster mom makes it happen!

Melissa B., in the world's eyes, had it made:

A successful business woman who had a beautiful home of her own.

Vacations every year with friends or family.

 In a way, she was living the high life.

But, Melissa says she always knew there was more to her life and that she was being called to go deeper.  God had often times reminded her of this persistent feeling that she could do more.

One day, after seeing a Public Service Announcement from Childhelp, Melissa said she knew it was time to respond. "I knew I could help", Melissa told me with a confident smile. Childhelp is so glad she took the initiative to make that first call!  Melissa  first began volunteering for Childhelp...helping with foster care events and fundraising.  Then, she became a member of Childhelp's board and used her education and business influence to help make important decisions for the organization.

But, over a year ago, her commitment level took on a whole new meaning.
Melissa, after completing training to become a foster parent, took the plunge and welcomed three little girls into her home.

Change. Wow, did it take place that day! Suddenly this single, independent business woman had three little faces staring up at her and this time her role was "foster mom.".

Another title those of us at Childhelp would give her is "Superwoman"!!

Melissa took all of her business skills and organized tutoring, music classes, dance, and more. She combined that with her nurturing side and in the midst of chaos and trauma, found family...both for herself and the precious kids before her.

Melissa and girls at one of their many fun experiences..being SLIMED!

I asked Melissa what was the best part about this experience.  She replied, "Knowing I am having a positive impact on their lives - seeing them smile and watching them accomplish things!"

Melissa has given the girls experiences that are every child's dream. She has balanced the world of extra-curricular activities like a professional and each child has had an opportunity to learn, grow, and bloom where they have been planted.

When asked what was the most difficult part of this process, Melissa responded that "dealing with outbursts when their trauma was just too much for them to bear could be hurtful". But, she added,  "I've learned  not to take it personally."



Children sometimes lash out when they are stressed from all of things they have been through. Melissa has learned to help them through those vulnerable moments and together, they became family.  Melissa has embraced the girl's birth mom as well. Whether they stay forever, or return to their birth family, Melissa feels that she will always be a part of their lives.  It is clear that a bond has been established by everyone.

I asked Melissa what advice she would give to other single adults thinking about fostering.  "Just do it!", she said. "There is nothing to be afraid of. They are just kids who need love, attention, and opportunities to grow." Melissa added that she has been surprised by the amount of community support available to fostering families.  She said that in addition to the support Childhelp offers, she has found a pool of resources that has been of assistance to her.


Melissa took a chance. She followed her big heart that told her she had more to give. At Childhelp, we know of three very special girls who are glad she did.

Childhelp is so richly blessed by Melissa and other foster parents who continually say to themselves: "we can do more."

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.

To learn how you too can become a foster parent, go to childhelptn.org

The School of PLAY

Is there anything more enjoyable than to watch a child totally engaged in playing? Losing themselves in the moment and fully embracing their inner Belle, Peter Pan, or Superman is a pure joy to watch. I confess, though, many times I embrace the watching a little more than the participating. As I get older, I find that my imagination doesn't take me to a wonderland quite as easily as it used to. But, when I do make the effort to jump into their magical world, I once again am amazed at its beauty.

Playing is just so therapeutic. All of us as adults need to go back to the school of play. We somehow allow the seriousness of this adult life to take over and we forget. We forget the excitement we felt when we hid beneath the stairs, holding in our breath as "it" passed us by in an epic game of hide and seek.  It has slipped our minds the endorphins that were released after joining in on a neighborhood game of kickball. We have pushed back the thrill of playing Cinderella to our son's version of Prince Charming. 

In raising children, we are always learning. Certainly after nine children, and with hindsight being 20/20, I have seen things I could have done differently. Here are a few insights that might help you to modify or add to what you might already be doing to connect with your child:

1) DECIDE TO SAY YES MORE OFTEN

 Looking back, I realize that NO was said many times when YES could have just as easily been my answer. "Can you play with me?" was many times met with a "not now" as I was busy making supper. But, could I have let the beans simmer for a few minutes while I threw the ball? Yes. Could I have said, "I would love to play with you right after we eat!" -still allowing me to  say yes while finishing my task? yep.  I think that the few minutes I would have given to fulfilling my child's request would not have been much of a sacrifice but would have meant the world to my child. I realize now that fulfilling their request would not necessarily have take an entire hour, but many times just a few minutes of focused attention through play would have been very satisfying to both of us. Don't get me wrong, I didn't always avoid playing.  But, if I could have "spoiled" my children a little more with a resounding "yes", I wish I would have. Spoiling our children with our undivided attention is really not spoiling at all...it is parenting.

2) KEEP THINGS ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

I would have used playfulness in my discipline. In retrospect, I realize the fallout of an evening came when my attitude and despair went toe to toe with my child's. If I could have met their snarkiness with a little playfulness then we could have gone on to have a lovely evening. A "can you say that again with respect" said with a playful tone would have gone over much better than the 15 minute lecture I delivered and probably  would have produced better results. When I asked my adult children what was a way that parenting could have gone better for them when they were little, without fail, they said they could have done without the lectures. I'm pretty sure they don't remember the eloquent speeches I delivered but rather a "wha, wha, wha ,wha" echoing in their minds. Our messages still need to be relayed but think fewer words. Oh, and if they are delivered in a rhyming rap tune, or as a famous opera singer, even better.

3) PLAYING IS THE PATH TO A CHILD'S HEART

In working in an environment where I am introduced to many children who have been through trauma, I understand more than ever how play is the medicine to help heal their very wounded souls. Not only does it help a child's mood but it also can reveal what is in their heart. A child is more open to revealing more of themselves when they are playing. How often are we successful with "let's sit on this couch and really have a one on one discussion about all that has happened to you". Not very often, I'm sure. But, a child opening up about their Mama having thrown the ball with them when they were three might be the beginning of a very meaningful discussion. Whether a child has experienced trauma or not, play is the key to understanding their heart. If you want to connect with your child's heart, then you best get down on that floor and build the best Lego building you can muster up. Or throw on that wig and get ready to be a damsel in distress. The point is, let your child lead you to their imagination. That will be an education you will not be able to find anywhere else. Lasting connections that are the foundations for a meaningful relationship or made much deeper over a game of chase or leaning over a puzzle together.

There is not enough space to list all of the benefits of play. Playing with our children, and in general still having fun as adults is so important to our happiness and well-being. If you haven't played for a while, consider beginning with a designated "Yes" day where you give yourself permission to say yes to your child's requests. They will have no idea of the deal you've made with yourself but simply believe they have the best parent ever! Or, start with 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time after dinner. Allow your child to lead and follow their example. Child led play is one of the very best ways to see what is on their mind and heart.

Remember, a child doesn't come up and ask you for a few minutes to talk over their heavy heart. They will ask you to play with them. Wise parents will be able to see that play is so much more than rolling a ball for a few minutes. PLAY means CONNECTING!

Every wound healed. Every child, a home.

Battle fatigue

Photo by Jake Lorefice on Unsplash

Fatigue is real.  That bone-tired feeling that floats over you like a dark, lead balloon; A sort of sadness that over shadows you like the sun that never seems to peep out from the gray clouds. Fatigue can make you feel like pulling the flannel blanket back over your head and the fatigue one feels from  parenting battles, even more so. On the frontlines of fostering, the battle can be grueling and lonely at times.


Yesterday was spent with a foster parent who had just completed her first "deployment" as a foster mom. As she bubbled out her experience, her emotions, and her love for the four siblings who had just left her home, my heart was touched.  This sweet mama was worn out. Her words were a mixed bag of emotion- raw emotion of having come from the battlefield.

She definitely had battle fatigue.


That look of...

"They took me for everything I had"

"I'm spent"

"I'm done"

"I got nothin' left"

Oh how I have felt those same feelings! It is a fatigue like no other.
But, the light in her eyes could not be missed.

It was a look of pure delight.

The realization that she had given something to these kids that they so desperately needed was present in her eyes. The feeling of satisfaction that she had done the right thing- given freely of her love and poured into four very empty, deprived vessels was easily observed.

I say, job well done.

This perfectly describes foster care. Freely expending yourself for the sake of another...a child who, despite your own fatigue and lack of self-care, is even more in need than you.

It is a  battle, that is for sure.

It is a juggling act of the most delicate nature- think  ceramic plates in the air, not little soft, foamy balls. This child before me, at no fault of their own, has been deprived of having someone willing to meet their needs. They have been going without for so long and sometimes the mere presence of the fountain (you) has them salivating for water.  The miracle of fostering is that the fountain keeps flowing.

Mending those little ones, wounded from fighting a different kind of battle, is exhausting. Sometimes you feel you are patching them up only to send them back to the front line...all before the wound that you painstakingly wrapped has even quit bleeding. But, we patch anyway. We continue to  mend, love, discipline, feed, and care for these beautiful children.

The truth is... parenting, whether foster or any other kind, if done well, is expending yourself willingly for someone else. It is taking on a responsibility way bigger than what a child can bear.  When I talk with prospective foster families, many times I will hear "I just don't think I can get attached and then let them go."  Usually, I respond with an understanding nod.

It IS difficult. Those who do it don't find it easy. But, for that child's sake, we do it anyway.  As adults, we decide to bear the burden of attachment and possible goodbyes.  We willingly place that weight on our own shoulders so that this little one learns how to attach. And by the way, their little shoulders can't bear that kind of weight. They are children. It is about allowing our hearts to possibly hurt so that their heart can heal.

Thank you, sweet foster parent. Thank you for bearing the scars and fatigue of battle. Thank you for taking on the burdens of others and for enduring; For shouldering a backpack of trauma and marching into battle. You are heroes, plain and simple.

Every wound healed.  Every child, a home.